tonight was far worse.
i was expecting a recreation of last night. but it didnt happen. although, a miracle did happened tonight. you see i was bowling with friends and i suck at bowling. period. but i went about my sucking and did a little good. at one point i go for a fairly blatant gutter roll and the ball is totally IN the gutter, but manages to get OUT of the gutter and YES it ends up knocking down every pin! no kidding.
tonight just sort of hurt. it feels like my motivation is a plastic walmart bag. it settles in the street and on occasion, when a car zooms past, it flutters up into the spacious surrounding air only to fall back down and wait. other times it dances like the leaves in American Beauty. i think when it dances is when i'm manic.
i am going to ruin everyones trip because no one can put up with my mood swings and i cant control them and no one understands that sometimes my quiet isnt anger and when my quiet is anger its only for the better of everyone else. quiet is the alternative to frustration (or the expression of frustration.) i'm really stressed about canada because of this. its really hard for me to deal with sasha. and he really doesnt take my sarcasm well. i think i'll be silent for the trip. maybe this is all a bad idea.
suicide is coming into my head a lot again. i usually disrergard this around menstration, but it's not that time of month. i mean, in the car i was thinking out my will. my head is a sloshy, gooey soup with an alphabet consisting of "i dont know who i am," "i'm fat and gross, even though i'd be pretty if i wasnt fat," "i wish i could explain myself so i dont hurt _______(insert whoever; yourself)," and "why am i so angry?"
so goodnight guys,
cynthia
tonight just sort of hurt. it feels like my motivation is a plastic walmart bag. it settles in the street and on occasion, when a car zooms past, it flutters up into the spacious surrounding air only to fall back down and wait. other times it dances like the leaves in American Beauty. i think when it dances is when i'm manic.
i am going to ruin everyones trip because no one can put up with my mood swings and i cant control them and no one understands that sometimes my quiet isnt anger and when my quiet is anger its only for the better of everyone else. quiet is the alternative to frustration (or the expression of frustration.) i'm really stressed about canada because of this. its really hard for me to deal with sasha. and he really doesnt take my sarcasm well. i think i'll be silent for the trip. maybe this is all a bad idea.
suicide is coming into my head a lot again. i usually disrergard this around menstration, but it's not that time of month. i mean, in the car i was thinking out my will. my head is a sloshy, gooey soup with an alphabet consisting of "i dont know who i am," "i'm fat and gross, even though i'd be pretty if i wasnt fat," "i wish i could explain myself so i dont hurt _______(insert whoever; yourself)," and "why am i so angry?"
so goodnight guys,
cynthia