DB4
Wow. It's almost as if I've skipped a day, but since I haven't slept I still am on schedule. :: Chuckles :: I am, however, very sleepy and should have been in bed a while ago. I blame TV Tropes, which I can't stop reading and I have NO IDEA WHY NOT. It is really baffling to the mind.
Anyway. I'm happy to report that something clicked inside my mind. I'm no longer so concerned with what others are thinking, I'm no longer second guessing myself and other such nonsense. It's an amazing feeling and probably makes me a much nicer guy to get along with, and certainly has reduced my stress by a whole lot. I suppose this makes for a good segue into one of my topics as well.
I think I'll talk about why I'd get so jealous, and about what would go on in my mind and such. I'm hoping that my new change in thoughts will do away with it, though. But it's still nice to get it out there to everyone, and to fully explain myself to those who haven't had to directly deal with it. I also would like to sincerely apologise to everyone who -has- had to deal with it, and thank those of you who have stuck by my regardless.
Now. The first part to understanding my jealousy is to understand jealousy in the first place. It only exists when there's a lot of self doubt. Those who are truly confident with themselves are never jealous. If there's no fear of being replaced there's no feeling of anger that one is about to be replaced, and as a result there's no reaction to the fear and anger.
Needless to say I'm not a very confident person. I think I'm improving on that. There's no magical over-night switch, of course, but I feel a lot better than I ever have before. But before. . . Any new friend of a friend of mine would be a potential replacement. Any time spent with anyone else was time not wanted to be spent with me. Any conversation with anyone else wasn't reassuring me I was wanted. This sounds REALLY pathetic to me. I suppose it always has, I've always known I shouldn't worry so much about things like that. It helps to put it all into print, though. It'll serve as a reminder of how silly it is if I ever slip.
For the longest time I'd tell everyone that it was easy to deal with my jealousy. “Just be sure to reassure me from time to time I'm wanted,” I'd say. This wasn't true. Sure the reassurance would make me feel good for a while, but it was only fleeting. Just a temporary fix to a deeper problem -I- needed to fix, rather than ask my friends to duct-tape for me. In feeling all wrapped up in what people thought of me I'd always pick out the worst threads I could. I don't know why. I'm not sure if it was the cause or the result of that, but my own thoughts of uselessness were tied tightly to it. It lead me to thinking some things that would be very, very hurtful if I ever voiced them. I'm not sure how my own negative thoughts of myself could make me think so badly of my friends. I'm certainly glad I'm over it.
The way I dealt with being jealous was bad, too. Not that there's a good way to deal with being jealous, when it comes down to it, but my way kinda ended up being a self fulfilling prophecy sometimes. Intentionally so, too. I'd think “Well. If I'm being replaced I might as well distance myself and make it easier on them.” Not a healthy way to think at all. I'd go all moody and completely ignore my friend, especially while he was talking to someone else. Would pull away from any reassurance I was still wanted, I mean, they've got someone else, right? What need would they for a loser like me.
So we've got the chicken and the egg. My low self esteem and my worrying about what others think of me. Which came first? No one really knows for sure. Perhaps my low self esteem just evolved on it's own and begot the fear which grew to more feelings of uselessness, and so on. In a way I've removed the egg from this cycle. I try to no longer worry about what people think about me. If I'm liked then I am liked, if I am disliked I'm sure that would be made clear without me worrying about it, and without me preemptively acting on it. This is already doing a lot for my self esteem. :)
And now I have been up for way too long and really, really need to sleep. Thank you for reading, as always. :) And. . . I think today's comment assignment shall be to peer inside yourself and take the things you like and make a list of those things. Try to be honest. Try to not think about what others would think about it. Don't be humble, don't be shy. If it's something you like list it. An accomplishment, enjoying one of your physical features, liking how you always think the best of someone. . . anything, no matter how big or small or seemingly silly.