The fallacy of measurement
This morning, the day after Father’s Day, I feel anxiety. I have not been writing for more than a week so if feels hard to start again because there is so much I want to catch my mythical reader up on. So, what has been happening? Only a list will do.
I no longer have my full-time job
I am working on a contract
I may be going to Florida tomorrow and staying there until I finish the contract
My wife just flew back in from a week long business trip from Germany yesterday
P, my eldest son, spent the day with my daughter and I yesterday. I had a great day with him, and her.
We went to Great America. I went on the Drop Zone and Top Gun, they were both great. If you were stoned you could ride Top Gun all day long.
The four of us had dinner together
P continues to find himself in the world, and I am glad for that
L, my other son was ill. P rags on me for not spending more time with him.
My belief is that L needs to decide to be proactive about his own life before it is worthwhile for me to give him more support.
My wife and daughter got me a book for Father’s Day. The Road to Reality, by Roger Penrose. It looks like a lot of work, but I am looking forward to it.
I went on an interview last Thursday that I believe went well. I should hear tomorrow.
Much of the anxiety is about job and money, with the implicit “will we be able to keep the house.”
With the keep the house question there is the “will we stay married question.”
With the will we stay married question there is the “do I want to stay married question.”
With questions, there is the fear that I just can’t hold it together. That I can’t do this and take care of myself.
There is that caring for that sweet loving ten-year-old girl. I don’t want to break her heart.
My wife’s feet are swollen from five of standing at the show in Germany. She was beat last night. All three of us fell asleep on the couch.
Yesterday, I identified a fear of being vulnerable with my wife. I don’t feel that my weakness is OK with her. The fact that I am tired and beat, and don’t want to hammer at this any longer is not OK. “This” means a life where I am just making ends meet.
With this anxiety is it very hard for me to work. I have a hard time sustaining the drive to work these days.
Losing my job does not help.
At 52 I don’t have the drive to bounce back from failure and just go into something else.
P was going on about embracing failure yesterday. 24 is the right age for failure. I am sure he will be a success.
Last night at dinner my wife said to P, “we always thought you would be a success or kill yourself.” I corrected her that I thought “he would be a success or get killed.”
P could heartily endorse the later version. The first version I think seemed as off to him as it did me.
It has been a lonely month on the relationship front.
Part of me just wants to disintegrate. I just want to drop all of the barriers in me. I want to just expose myself to the world.
I keep trying to measure me. Was this all worth it?
I did not anticipate having to live with this kind of tiredness. With pain in the joints. With pain in the heart.
I don’t know why I have not be able to be the whole man I want to be, but I have not.
I guess the question is: are you going to change that Mr. Slime?
P was wondering yesterday if some of the things he is able to do has anything to do with the all of the acid he took, meaning did the experiences on acid give his brain the flexibility to just do things without the fear that other might approach it. He added that he had no control for the experiment and therefore could not know. I added that there is no control this is it. We gloried together in that; that here we are in this magnificence. Could there be a more perfect world? No. I know the answer is no as sure as I exist. Even with the pain and doubt, or maybe because of the pain and doubt this is the glory.
I don’t know if this is awakening or not. It does not matter because this is truth-if-there-is-truth: that this thing that is me is experiencing this drama is more than could be hoped.
So, I will struggle on, or not, and fully enjoy this whether I remember that I am or not. Wanting to make things better or not. Wanting to measure my life against an imagined other or not. ‘cause that is what this fool does.
redslime, primordial ooze.
I no longer have my full-time job
I am working on a contract
I may be going to Florida tomorrow and staying there until I finish the contract
My wife just flew back in from a week long business trip from Germany yesterday
P, my eldest son, spent the day with my daughter and I yesterday. I had a great day with him, and her.
We went to Great America. I went on the Drop Zone and Top Gun, they were both great. If you were stoned you could ride Top Gun all day long.
The four of us had dinner together
P continues to find himself in the world, and I am glad for that
L, my other son was ill. P rags on me for not spending more time with him.
My belief is that L needs to decide to be proactive about his own life before it is worthwhile for me to give him more support.
My wife and daughter got me a book for Father’s Day. The Road to Reality, by Roger Penrose. It looks like a lot of work, but I am looking forward to it.
I went on an interview last Thursday that I believe went well. I should hear tomorrow.
Much of the anxiety is about job and money, with the implicit “will we be able to keep the house.”
With the keep the house question there is the “will we stay married question.”
With the will we stay married question there is the “do I want to stay married question.”
With questions, there is the fear that I just can’t hold it together. That I can’t do this and take care of myself.
There is that caring for that sweet loving ten-year-old girl. I don’t want to break her heart.
My wife’s feet are swollen from five of standing at the show in Germany. She was beat last night. All three of us fell asleep on the couch.
Yesterday, I identified a fear of being vulnerable with my wife. I don’t feel that my weakness is OK with her. The fact that I am tired and beat, and don’t want to hammer at this any longer is not OK. “This” means a life where I am just making ends meet.
With this anxiety is it very hard for me to work. I have a hard time sustaining the drive to work these days.
Losing my job does not help.
At 52 I don’t have the drive to bounce back from failure and just go into something else.
P was going on about embracing failure yesterday. 24 is the right age for failure. I am sure he will be a success.
Last night at dinner my wife said to P, “we always thought you would be a success or kill yourself.” I corrected her that I thought “he would be a success or get killed.”
P could heartily endorse the later version. The first version I think seemed as off to him as it did me.
It has been a lonely month on the relationship front.
Part of me just wants to disintegrate. I just want to drop all of the barriers in me. I want to just expose myself to the world.
I keep trying to measure me. Was this all worth it?
I did not anticipate having to live with this kind of tiredness. With pain in the joints. With pain in the heart.
I don’t know why I have not be able to be the whole man I want to be, but I have not.
I guess the question is: are you going to change that Mr. Slime?
P was wondering yesterday if some of the things he is able to do has anything to do with the all of the acid he took, meaning did the experiences on acid give his brain the flexibility to just do things without the fear that other might approach it. He added that he had no control for the experiment and therefore could not know. I added that there is no control this is it. We gloried together in that; that here we are in this magnificence. Could there be a more perfect world? No. I know the answer is no as sure as I exist. Even with the pain and doubt, or maybe because of the pain and doubt this is the glory.
I don’t know if this is awakening or not. It does not matter because this is truth-if-there-is-truth: that this thing that is me is experiencing this drama is more than could be hoped.
So, I will struggle on, or not, and fully enjoy this whether I remember that I am or not. Wanting to make things better or not. Wanting to measure my life against an imagined other or not. ‘cause that is what this fool does.
redslime, primordial ooze.