Commitment
I have asked my wife again to recommit to our relationship, or that I would prefer to end it. What does that mean? For me, it means being committed to working out our conflicts in something close to real time. I don’t really understand the ground of our conflicts, except that it is like the conflicts of so many couples, resentment and disappointment and hurts have built up the years that make us reactive to each other. Recently it has moved to a place where I don’t feel I can continue to participate if we cannot renew ourselves within this container. I am open to either path, but I no longer want this road to nowhere. I need to open to her and I need her open to me if we are to live together. I could go and continue to surrender to the unknown of our interaction, riding out the storms, but my desire for the useless conflict feels gone. We came into this with a great deal of anger, but I do not sense she wants to own her own - perhaps she would say the same of me. I look into myself and I don’t see it. Maybe, as she sometimes says, it is just how we are together. There are things about her that irritate who I am in my low energy states. She would like me to step up better to the things that need to be done around the house and all, this is a legitimate gripe, but I am no longer willing to be punished for being my lazy self. I sometimes shirk things that need to be done when it is convenient. I have a limited energy, and I do not value the house and possessions and even a good meal at the same level she does. I am sure that this has been hard on her as she would like to hold the same values as her partner - or so it seems. I have reached the end of my movement in the direction that can support her in these things, I feel my life swinging wildly toward something new, with or without her, even if I have no idea what that might be. I cannot stop feeling that I love and care about her as deeply as I have any person and its hard to let that go, even though the last years have been painful, but it just becomes increasingly clear that the anger between us has not gone away. I am sure that without a re-commitment and end to the disregard that we are better parting ways and taking care that our daughter is well cared for.
I am away for the weekend with my men’s group and I do not know what I will come home to in this regard. There is sadness in me for this. It is this point in our weekend after we have done some processing and we begin the settle down to just finishing the weekend together, that I begin to miss my lovely partner and wish I could run home. I am feeling that know, and feeling dissidence of not knowing where it will go.
The ego that is me, this personality called red slime, is truly sad about the failure to love, about the inability to stay in love such that the partner always feels it. It, I, have always wanted to be a great and passionate lover for my woman, to make her life a heaven of loving bliss. I wanted to meet all her needs in me, not all her needs but those that she places in me, and I am not able to; I am all so human. I don’t want to mislead, this is not something that I would have voiced, but the truth none the less. This has always been the picture of the lover for me, to be what she wants in me and to support her in being everything she wants to be. For me, I have mostly wanted companionship, to be there when I needed someone to talk to, but that need would not be oppressive. Please understand, I am not saying that I come close to meeting this, but that the desire is always there. I also have the need to be and explore myself, this is where conflict comes. My self needs always win out in the end. I needed to be right so many times, I needed to let her know how she might be better, how she might better be what I needed. I have grown up now, and I no longer need any of that from her, but I need passion and loving respect.
Whatever the path, I am ready to move forward. I will always love her.
r.slime
I am away for the weekend with my men’s group and I do not know what I will come home to in this regard. There is sadness in me for this. It is this point in our weekend after we have done some processing and we begin the settle down to just finishing the weekend together, that I begin to miss my lovely partner and wish I could run home. I am feeling that know, and feeling dissidence of not knowing where it will go.
The ego that is me, this personality called red slime, is truly sad about the failure to love, about the inability to stay in love such that the partner always feels it. It, I, have always wanted to be a great and passionate lover for my woman, to make her life a heaven of loving bliss. I wanted to meet all her needs in me, not all her needs but those that she places in me, and I am not able to; I am all so human. I don’t want to mislead, this is not something that I would have voiced, but the truth none the less. This has always been the picture of the lover for me, to be what she wants in me and to support her in being everything she wants to be. For me, I have mostly wanted companionship, to be there when I needed someone to talk to, but that need would not be oppressive. Please understand, I am not saying that I come close to meeting this, but that the desire is always there. I also have the need to be and explore myself, this is where conflict comes. My self needs always win out in the end. I needed to be right so many times, I needed to let her know how she might be better, how she might better be what I needed. I have grown up now, and I no longer need any of that from her, but I need passion and loving respect.
Whatever the path, I am ready to move forward. I will always love her.
r.slime