What is?
The question that is pushing me. (As I wrote that, I realized that it might be a greeting these days.) I am noticing that I am fighting being here with what is. I know that I know what is, but the ego structure that I identify as me wants something else to be.
This circle of confusion
Pulls me round - round me.
Caught in the whirl I forget.
Hanging on for dear life
Watching for sharp objects
This tornado of fear lifts
I loose my contact with ground
This morning I want my relationship with my wife to be different. We had one of those ridiculous arguments where each is sure the other is full of it. Except that what is pissing me off is that she is escalating the stakes needlessly. It seems that she is so unable to be wrong that each disagreement needs to go into retribution. I wonder if I want to keep living this way. I wonder if I can keep living this way. I don’t believe that she gets it that it is the meta dialog that pisses me off. That if I say or do X that she does not want that she creates a punishment, Y, to make me not do it. I don’t want to be a with a mother. I don’t think I ever wanted to be with a mother; I just have not given myself a chance to be with a woman that doesn’t think she is a mother to her man. I seriously doubt that many people have grown up; I suspect that in many ways I still need to grow up myself. I no longer want to be father or child.
This is life and death
Don’t you dare get in my way.
Crashing again and again
As the whirl carries me
From one collision to the next.
Believing that this is life
I struggle to stay aloft
Ride the reel and dodge
The sharp and large objects.
It is ground I fear more than those.
It seems that neither staying nor running is the answer. What does it take to accept myself as full human being? How do I give up these half measures I take? I need to finish growing up. [This creates a large emotional response in me.] I realize that growing up means that if she says X means you pay with Y, I need to say fine but that is unacceptable that you have raised the stakes rather than dealing with X directly. The point is that I am not saying X is right or wrong but that what is unacceptable is the need to raise the stakes, as if this is some game to win rather than a life to live.
Bam
Some boulder falls on me
Right out of the tornado
I fall
Unconscious to the ground
When I wake,
I see it in the distance
Angry and dark, but
Here the birds sing the
Sun shines on my face
A life to live that is what is calling me. I want to stay here on the ground, living this life and watching where it takes me. The idea that there is choice about it I know is not the truth. Right now this life, this moment, is the only reality. Waking up to right now includes being clear about what is unacceptable to me right now.
A woman walks up
“Welcome”
she says, as I dodge.
Tornado moves don’t help on the ground
She walks right up.
No collision!
“You are safe here.”
“If you want to be.”
A little breeze picks up.
Right there is where the question is, as the breeze picks up. I am safe right here on the ground. But, I can recreate the tornado at any moment. I fear the loneliness. So few are awake, who will I dance with, there are no tornado moves to show off. I dance with life, as it is right here on the ground -- with what is.
“Here on the ground”
“We can touch” as she
reaches to me.
It is so sweet
I cannot bare it, and
I cannot be without it.
Lover why did I abandon you
For the wind?
We sit and enjoy the stillness
r.slime - the primordial ooze
This circle of confusion
Pulls me round - round me.
Caught in the whirl I forget.
Hanging on for dear life
Watching for sharp objects
This tornado of fear lifts
I loose my contact with ground
This morning I want my relationship with my wife to be different. We had one of those ridiculous arguments where each is sure the other is full of it. Except that what is pissing me off is that she is escalating the stakes needlessly. It seems that she is so unable to be wrong that each disagreement needs to go into retribution. I wonder if I want to keep living this way. I wonder if I can keep living this way. I don’t believe that she gets it that it is the meta dialog that pisses me off. That if I say or do X that she does not want that she creates a punishment, Y, to make me not do it. I don’t want to be a with a mother. I don’t think I ever wanted to be with a mother; I just have not given myself a chance to be with a woman that doesn’t think she is a mother to her man. I seriously doubt that many people have grown up; I suspect that in many ways I still need to grow up myself. I no longer want to be father or child.
This is life and death
Don’t you dare get in my way.
Crashing again and again
As the whirl carries me
From one collision to the next.
Believing that this is life
I struggle to stay aloft
Ride the reel and dodge
The sharp and large objects.
It is ground I fear more than those.
It seems that neither staying nor running is the answer. What does it take to accept myself as full human being? How do I give up these half measures I take? I need to finish growing up. [This creates a large emotional response in me.] I realize that growing up means that if she says X means you pay with Y, I need to say fine but that is unacceptable that you have raised the stakes rather than dealing with X directly. The point is that I am not saying X is right or wrong but that what is unacceptable is the need to raise the stakes, as if this is some game to win rather than a life to live.
Bam
Some boulder falls on me
Right out of the tornado
I fall
Unconscious to the ground
When I wake,
I see it in the distance
Angry and dark, but
Here the birds sing the
Sun shines on my face
A life to live that is what is calling me. I want to stay here on the ground, living this life and watching where it takes me. The idea that there is choice about it I know is not the truth. Right now this life, this moment, is the only reality. Waking up to right now includes being clear about what is unacceptable to me right now.
A woman walks up
“Welcome”
she says, as I dodge.
Tornado moves don’t help on the ground
She walks right up.
No collision!
“You are safe here.”
“If you want to be.”
A little breeze picks up.
Right there is where the question is, as the breeze picks up. I am safe right here on the ground. But, I can recreate the tornado at any moment. I fear the loneliness. So few are awake, who will I dance with, there are no tornado moves to show off. I dance with life, as it is right here on the ground -- with what is.
“Here on the ground”
“We can touch” as she
reaches to me.
It is so sweet
I cannot bare it, and
I cannot be without it.
Lover why did I abandon you
For the wind?
We sit and enjoy the stillness
r.slime - the primordial ooze