Aug 24, 2006 22:23
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ENTRY IS ME VENTING.
im so angry with myself its not funny. and this could be completely stupid but the truth is, i hate the fact that i don't have confidence. now, i realize sometimes it can come off that i do, but those are only certain situations. the times when i actually need confidence its like, my confidence tank runs on empty. i try and try, but it just never seems to come. for example: singing in front of people. im really good, but for some reason, my voice tightens up when i have to do it for something important. and let me tell you, that sucks. sometimes i nail it, lots of times i dont. and i realize im new to this performing solo game, but really, its something im so passionate about, why can't it just come out the way i want it to?
example two: BOYS. i suck at the whole game. and what stinks even more i have so little confidence in myself, that at the end of the day, i just end up feeling like its always me, as if its always my fault guys don't see me as dating potential. oh geez, im probably right. AND to top it off, many of my friends tell me to just be open minded about people and that if i just do that, someone might possibly come along. but thats just it. i don't want just anyone. i don't want to settle. i don't think i should be forced to either. i have a really strong moral background, and i want someone who respects that. and that likes every quirky think about me. im awkward, i know it, i accept it. haha. for once, i just want someone who sees that, and loves that about me. its really hard when you're in a sorority, with dozens of completely beautiful girls, and all your friends have guys flocking to them at every waking minute. and me? im just the side thought. to top it off, i don't even think i would know how to act if i guy did want to be in a relationship with me. i think i would be so scared that i would run away from it. and then i'd be back to square one.
*sigh* i think too much.
in other news: im going to be working on my production portfolio for NYU grad school this year. im REALLY excited. yay for studio time! and we had an AWESOME margarita fiesta night at my house tonight. it was so much fun hanging out with just the girls. (ok, maybe a couple guys) :)