The Tennant days of Christmas
While perusing the seasonal TV listings, I've noticed that this year's Yule viewing has a flavour that can only be described as Tennanty and just a little bit Davidish. As well as the two-part finale to his Whovian career, a certain wiry Scottish actor will be popping up as Hamlet, hosting Never Mind the Buzzcocks, appearing on QI and the Catherine Tate Christmas special, reading bedtime stories on CBeebies, AND appearing in the BBC's Christmas idents.
Yes, I know what you're thinking. Is that it? Couldn't his agent have tried a teensy bit harder to find him some work?
Surely, with just a little lateral thinking, EVERY show over the festive period could have featured David Tennant in some shape or form? And oddly enough, when I sent out my tinsel-fuelled nanorobots to raid the dustbins of Television Centre, I retrieved the following classified data that reveals exactly what we COULD have watched, if only the BBC schedulers were even less imaginative than they clearly are.
All Tennant, all the time: here's that DT-TV secret schedule in full....
Christmas Day
(note to Director General: can we rename it Christmas Dave?)
9:00 a.m. Tennantubbies
Davey-Wavey, Deetee, Ten-Ten and Oooh spend all day watching themselves on the televisions on each other's tummies, mainly because there's nothing else on. A fun-filled way to introduce younger viewers to the concept of metafictional mise-en-abyme.
9:30 a.m. Ben 10-Ant
A boy discovers an amazing plot device that enables him to lark about in space for as long as he likes, powered only by an enormous Welshman and your TV licence fee.
10:00 a.m. Tennant's Super Christmas
Some lucky viewers get a big surprise when David Tennant turns up on their doorsteps with a bulging package.
11:00 a.m. David the Pert-Bottomed Reindeer
Recession-conscious cartoon in which Santa sacks all his reindeer and hires David Tennant to pull the sleigh instead. The presents are slightly delayed, but Santa's view from the driver's seat is greatly improved.
11.45 pm FILM: Tennant Mutant Ninja Turtles
Allons-y-abunga!
1.30 pm Top of the Scots
A countdown of the greatest David Tennant moments of all time, followed by another countdown of the greatest David Tennant moments of the last 24 hours, followed by a speculative countdown of the greatest David Tennant moments that haven't actually happened yet, but are theoretically possible in a different quantum universe.
2.30 pm: EastEnders
Guest-starring David Tennant as the Queen Vic, a roast turkey, an overcooked Brussels sprout, a string of fairy lights and an axe-murderer who kills everyone in Albert Square, leaving only himself.
3.00 pm: The Queen's Speech
Live from David Tennant's lap. May include some wriggling.
3.15 pm: FILM: Daveheart
The epic story of a Scottish rebel. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our hair gel.
5.30 pm: Wildlife on One
Far from rare footage of the Greater Crested Scottish Actor in the wild. Narrated by David Attennantborough.
6.30 pm: The Impressions Show
The many faces of David Tennant. Includes uncanny imitations of Richard Hammond on stilts, a startled weasel, a Twiglet with freckles, and many, many more.
7:00 pm: Doctor Who: The End of Tennant, Part 1
An all-star cast assemble to admire the leading man's tightly clad rear before it bounces out of view forever.
8:00 pm: Strictly DT Dancing
Nobody puts David in the corner.
9:00 pm: Doctor Who: The End of Tennant, Part 2
The same as Part 1, but without the trousers. Watch out for the surprise entrance of John Barrowman.
10:00 pm: News at Tennant
10:30 pm: Have I Got Tight-Fitting Trews For You
A close-up look at some very prominent items that don't get a lot of coverage.
11:00 pm: FILM: Tennant a Half Weeks
Extremely adult drama. Also includes a few imaginative serving suggestions for any leftovers you've got in the fridge.
1:00 am: Closedown
David Tennant makes a cup of cocoa, helps you into your pyjamas and makes sure everything's unplugged before bedtime. He then explodes over the scenic London skyline in a shower of pretty coloured lights that spell out the words "BEAT THAT, MATT SMITH".
Hmm. Perhaps, as with many tasty Christmas treats, there is a risk of overload. Consume with caution, viewers.
Yes, I know what you're thinking. Is that it? Couldn't his agent have tried a teensy bit harder to find him some work?
Surely, with just a little lateral thinking, EVERY show over the festive period could have featured David Tennant in some shape or form? And oddly enough, when I sent out my tinsel-fuelled nanorobots to raid the dustbins of Television Centre, I retrieved the following classified data that reveals exactly what we COULD have watched, if only the BBC schedulers were even less imaginative than they clearly are.
All Tennant, all the time: here's that DT-TV secret schedule in full....
Christmas Day
(note to Director General: can we rename it Christmas Dave?)
9:00 a.m. Tennantubbies
Davey-Wavey, Deetee, Ten-Ten and Oooh spend all day watching themselves on the televisions on each other's tummies, mainly because there's nothing else on. A fun-filled way to introduce younger viewers to the concept of metafictional mise-en-abyme.
9:30 a.m. Ben 10-Ant
A boy discovers an amazing plot device that enables him to lark about in space for as long as he likes, powered only by an enormous Welshman and your TV licence fee.
10:00 a.m. Tennant's Super Christmas
Some lucky viewers get a big surprise when David Tennant turns up on their doorsteps with a bulging package.
11:00 a.m. David the Pert-Bottomed Reindeer
Recession-conscious cartoon in which Santa sacks all his reindeer and hires David Tennant to pull the sleigh instead. The presents are slightly delayed, but Santa's view from the driver's seat is greatly improved.
11.45 pm FILM: Tennant Mutant Ninja Turtles
Allons-y-abunga!
1.30 pm Top of the Scots
A countdown of the greatest David Tennant moments of all time, followed by another countdown of the greatest David Tennant moments of the last 24 hours, followed by a speculative countdown of the greatest David Tennant moments that haven't actually happened yet, but are theoretically possible in a different quantum universe.
2.30 pm: EastEnders
Guest-starring David Tennant as the Queen Vic, a roast turkey, an overcooked Brussels sprout, a string of fairy lights and an axe-murderer who kills everyone in Albert Square, leaving only himself.
3.00 pm: The Queen's Speech
Live from David Tennant's lap. May include some wriggling.
3.15 pm: FILM: Daveheart
The epic story of a Scottish rebel. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our hair gel.
5.30 pm: Wildlife on One
Far from rare footage of the Greater Crested Scottish Actor in the wild. Narrated by David Attennantborough.
6.30 pm: The Impressions Show
The many faces of David Tennant. Includes uncanny imitations of Richard Hammond on stilts, a startled weasel, a Twiglet with freckles, and many, many more.
7:00 pm: Doctor Who: The End of Tennant, Part 1
An all-star cast assemble to admire the leading man's tightly clad rear before it bounces out of view forever.
8:00 pm: Strictly DT Dancing
Nobody puts David in the corner.
9:00 pm: Doctor Who: The End of Tennant, Part 2
The same as Part 1, but without the trousers. Watch out for the surprise entrance of John Barrowman.
10:00 pm: News at Tennant
10:30 pm: Have I Got Tight-Fitting Trews For You
A close-up look at some very prominent items that don't get a lot of coverage.
11:00 pm: FILM: Tennant a Half Weeks
Extremely adult drama. Also includes a few imaginative serving suggestions for any leftovers you've got in the fridge.
1:00 am: Closedown
David Tennant makes a cup of cocoa, helps you into your pyjamas and makes sure everything's unplugged before bedtime. He then explodes over the scenic London skyline in a shower of pretty coloured lights that spell out the words "BEAT THAT, MATT SMITH".
Hmm. Perhaps, as with many tasty Christmas treats, there is a risk of overload. Consume with caution, viewers.