Son
[This post was originally written in October]
Jess got the genetic testing back. The lil' nugget is a boy.
More than anything else, this is what made things real to me. The waveform has collapsed.
Up to this point, I have been holding back my feelings. The genetic testing was a bulwark of sorts, holding the line. I would not get attached to any concepts until the hurdle had been cleared and we "knew" everything was going well. There's actually another more general test at the beginning of November, and the results there could be bad too.
But knowing that I have a son? This is no longer "a pregnancy" anymore. It's my son. That is what I would be losing, and all the emotional devastation that follows.
Have I always been this nervous about things? I don't feel like I have always been this way. In fact, I think I only started getting this way after I met Jess. And I think it started once I realized that I had found something precious. Something I love more than I love myself. Something I am deathly afraid of losing. Something I feel is better than I deserve.
And now there are two things.
I know, I know. It is irrational to think I do not "deserve" happiness, etc. Life is unfair, I have benefited from privilege and circumstances and lucky breaks. And I have also endeavored to pay those good fortunes back. It is not an accident that people like me at the Job - it is a summation of nearly a decade of maintaining relationships and assisting whenever I can. I should own the personal agency I have demonstrated over these years. Good things don't always happen to good people, but good people should be able to enjoy them when it does.
Ah... I see. So this is what it is to be emotionally vulnerable.
Jess got the genetic testing back. The lil' nugget is a boy.
More than anything else, this is what made things real to me. The waveform has collapsed.
Up to this point, I have been holding back my feelings. The genetic testing was a bulwark of sorts, holding the line. I would not get attached to any concepts until the hurdle had been cleared and we "knew" everything was going well. There's actually another more general test at the beginning of November, and the results there could be bad too.
But knowing that I have a son? This is no longer "a pregnancy" anymore. It's my son. That is what I would be losing, and all the emotional devastation that follows.
Have I always been this nervous about things? I don't feel like I have always been this way. In fact, I think I only started getting this way after I met Jess. And I think it started once I realized that I had found something precious. Something I love more than I love myself. Something I am deathly afraid of losing. Something I feel is better than I deserve.
And now there are two things.
I know, I know. It is irrational to think I do not "deserve" happiness, etc. Life is unfair, I have benefited from privilege and circumstances and lucky breaks. And I have also endeavored to pay those good fortunes back. It is not an accident that people like me at the Job - it is a summation of nearly a decade of maintaining relationships and assisting whenever I can. I should own the personal agency I have demonstrated over these years. Good things don't always happen to good people, but good people should be able to enjoy them when it does.
Ah... I see. So this is what it is to be emotionally vulnerable.