I Don't Even Know What This Is, Hon
Hello, friend! Remember me? I remember you, dear heart, and I miss you. I miss what we used to have, God help me.
A lot has happened since my last post, adult things, sad things, stupid things that everyone has seen through. I miss my time here a decade ago, when I was happily writing CFMWH and World of Tomorrow and my worries were somehow so much more manageable. I mean, I hated my 20s; they were awful, full of trauma and mental illness, but right now I would definitely hesitate and second-guess myself if thrown the option to go back in time. Right now, summer 2018, is simply that terrible, no lie. Jesus.
My closest friend died a month ago. I'm working two part-time jobs and racking up about 60 hours a week, and both places make me feel like a useless fucking fraud. My sister and I just moved into a pretty nice 2-bedroom, so I feel like I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm definitely not happy. I'm sad and hurt and angry and ashamed, and I feel like shit.
Most of the time, I'm hanging on by a song, a fic, a movie I'm holding out to see, and that's a scary place to be--again. I hope this stupid post finds you, lovely, well. I sincerely hope you are happy and healthy and that yours are similarly doing well. Depression and grief: I don't wish that on anyone, even Roseanne.
Right now is tough for me, but I'll get through. Don't worry, ok? Maybe reply if you can, but I'm not in the Danger Zone or anything, just feeling real low at the moment, real stupid and sad, writing stupid sad poems and crying a lot and having panic attacks at my stupid retail job. I have an appointment on Friday to get my hair cut, though, first time in over a year. I'm looking forward to that. And I've applied for a better job and am waiting to hear back. It's coordinating first-gen college students. I have an in with the current supervisor. She told me in-person to apply. Things aren't hopeless, much as my head wants me to believe they are.
Things will get better, brighter, happier. They have in the past, and I know, somewhere deep down inside, that they'll take a turn for the better again, probably soon. Be well. Enjoy the summer. Reply if you can, but take a moment, ok, and hug the closest person you love. Write something, even a little something. Read a story and maybe leave some feedback. Remember me here, us 10 fucking years ago, and that stupid, lovely little show, Smallville, Supernatural, and the fact that I used to write a ton, that I totally lived for posting updates. I wish you the best, dear heart; don't ever doubt it.
A lot has happened since my last post, adult things, sad things, stupid things that everyone has seen through. I miss my time here a decade ago, when I was happily writing CFMWH and World of Tomorrow and my worries were somehow so much more manageable. I mean, I hated my 20s; they were awful, full of trauma and mental illness, but right now I would definitely hesitate and second-guess myself if thrown the option to go back in time. Right now, summer 2018, is simply that terrible, no lie. Jesus.
My closest friend died a month ago. I'm working two part-time jobs and racking up about 60 hours a week, and both places make me feel like a useless fucking fraud. My sister and I just moved into a pretty nice 2-bedroom, so I feel like I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm definitely not happy. I'm sad and hurt and angry and ashamed, and I feel like shit.
Most of the time, I'm hanging on by a song, a fic, a movie I'm holding out to see, and that's a scary place to be--again. I hope this stupid post finds you, lovely, well. I sincerely hope you are happy and healthy and that yours are similarly doing well. Depression and grief: I don't wish that on anyone, even Roseanne.
Right now is tough for me, but I'll get through. Don't worry, ok? Maybe reply if you can, but I'm not in the Danger Zone or anything, just feeling real low at the moment, real stupid and sad, writing stupid sad poems and crying a lot and having panic attacks at my stupid retail job. I have an appointment on Friday to get my hair cut, though, first time in over a year. I'm looking forward to that. And I've applied for a better job and am waiting to hear back. It's coordinating first-gen college students. I have an in with the current supervisor. She told me in-person to apply. Things aren't hopeless, much as my head wants me to believe they are.
Things will get better, brighter, happier. They have in the past, and I know, somewhere deep down inside, that they'll take a turn for the better again, probably soon. Be well. Enjoy the summer. Reply if you can, but take a moment, ok, and hug the closest person you love. Write something, even a little something. Read a story and maybe leave some feedback. Remember me here, us 10 fucking years ago, and that stupid, lovely little show, Smallville, Supernatural, and the fact that I used to write a ton, that I totally lived for posting updates. I wish you the best, dear heart; don't ever doubt it.