What I Don't Need
More drama, ridiculously less horrendous than that of last time. This is just your everyday "romantic" melo, not--Elise.
So, my best friend, I call her my sister because she is for all intents and purposes my sister. Her kids are my niece and nephew, etc. Well, my sis feels it's her duty, her calling in life to play matchmaker with me and--single guys her husband works with. These are usually nice enough guys, but they're all significantly older than I am, and, frankly, I don't want to be set up. I don't want to date anyone, especially not a guy. I have a shitty track record with guys, and, yeah, this is a small American town in the middle of the country, and so I'm well aware there's no lady-lovin' within safe distance, and I'm good with that. Fact is, I don't want a relationship at all with anyone right now. I'm a mess. Sue me, I want to be selfish at the moment.
Also, and this plays a big part in fuckin' everything, much to my frustration, I don't want to have sex for the foreseeable future, and that's what a serious romantic relationship in this neck o' the woods--entails. I personally don't like sex. I'd even go so far as to say I hate it. TMI, but I "started" when I was 8, and since then few (if any?) people seem to want any kind of "serious" interaction, past the point of being friends, that isn't just purely fucking. I've never had a boyfriend, and the only girlfriend I had turned out to be cheating on me for several months with her male ex. Also, TMI, I've never had good sex. I've never orgasmed during, and I always, always hate myself after the deed's done. I don't enjoy it. It's hurtful to me, and it makes me sick. I say I'm bisexual because that's easiest, but I identify as asexual because--I don't feel it. I don't get turned on or aroused, and I've fucking tried--a lot.
So, the newest potential suitor is another friend of my friend, and he's nice and a comics nerd, but I can't do it. He brings flowers over to my house on my day off, and I thank him while trying to be, for lack of a better word, distant. My sis, bless her meddling heart, gave this guy, this nice guy both my address and my phone number. Thanks, hon. Then, today, he sent another bouquet to me at work. Now, I've already told him once we're not going to be dating. I let him down a week ago or more. Then, two bunches of flowers in as many days, so I bite the bullet and text him and try to definitively tell him that there is no "thing" happening here. Now I feel like a bitch, some horrible woman who's ground this man's dreams into dust, all so she can stay home and not socialize.
I didn't used to think I was a bad person or mean, but I really feel like that tonight. I told this guy on Valentine's Day that I'm not interested in any kind of romantic relationship, and he sent back the nicest, most understanding text ever. I still don't want to date him, but I feel awful, like a total heel for putting a halt to it before it even started. And you know what's really getting me? The money he must've spent on those flower arrangements. They weren't cheap. I could tell. And now I'm indebted to this guy. I owe him--for fucking flowers. Well, I'm sorry if I'm a bitch, but I'm not doing something I don't want to that I don't have to. That's allowed, right?
I just feel so awful. :( Happy fucking birthday to me. Whoop-dee-fucking-do.
So, my best friend, I call her my sister because she is for all intents and purposes my sister. Her kids are my niece and nephew, etc. Well, my sis feels it's her duty, her calling in life to play matchmaker with me and--single guys her husband works with. These are usually nice enough guys, but they're all significantly older than I am, and, frankly, I don't want to be set up. I don't want to date anyone, especially not a guy. I have a shitty track record with guys, and, yeah, this is a small American town in the middle of the country, and so I'm well aware there's no lady-lovin' within safe distance, and I'm good with that. Fact is, I don't want a relationship at all with anyone right now. I'm a mess. Sue me, I want to be selfish at the moment.
Also, and this plays a big part in fuckin' everything, much to my frustration, I don't want to have sex for the foreseeable future, and that's what a serious romantic relationship in this neck o' the woods--entails. I personally don't like sex. I'd even go so far as to say I hate it. TMI, but I "started" when I was 8, and since then few (if any?) people seem to want any kind of "serious" interaction, past the point of being friends, that isn't just purely fucking. I've never had a boyfriend, and the only girlfriend I had turned out to be cheating on me for several months with her male ex. Also, TMI, I've never had good sex. I've never orgasmed during, and I always, always hate myself after the deed's done. I don't enjoy it. It's hurtful to me, and it makes me sick. I say I'm bisexual because that's easiest, but I identify as asexual because--I don't feel it. I don't get turned on or aroused, and I've fucking tried--a lot.
So, the newest potential suitor is another friend of my friend, and he's nice and a comics nerd, but I can't do it. He brings flowers over to my house on my day off, and I thank him while trying to be, for lack of a better word, distant. My sis, bless her meddling heart, gave this guy, this nice guy both my address and my phone number. Thanks, hon. Then, today, he sent another bouquet to me at work. Now, I've already told him once we're not going to be dating. I let him down a week ago or more. Then, two bunches of flowers in as many days, so I bite the bullet and text him and try to definitively tell him that there is no "thing" happening here. Now I feel like a bitch, some horrible woman who's ground this man's dreams into dust, all so she can stay home and not socialize.
I didn't used to think I was a bad person or mean, but I really feel like that tonight. I told this guy on Valentine's Day that I'm not interested in any kind of romantic relationship, and he sent back the nicest, most understanding text ever. I still don't want to date him, but I feel awful, like a total heel for putting a halt to it before it even started. And you know what's really getting me? The money he must've spent on those flower arrangements. They weren't cheap. I could tell. And now I'm indebted to this guy. I owe him--for fucking flowers. Well, I'm sorry if I'm a bitch, but I'm not doing something I don't want to that I don't have to. That's allowed, right?
I just feel so awful. :( Happy fucking birthday to me. Whoop-dee-fucking-do.