Someday I'll learn not to open my big fat mouth. 'Scuse me, now I have to go open it wide enough to admit a foot. There's a reason why my nickname is OMIF. Does anyone else want to join the Open Mouth, Instert Foot club?

I need a fortune cookie right now. It would say: Forcast of sparkly snow in your near future.
How irritating.
Gaaaaaaahhhh.

I dropped a jar of applesauce while I was helping my mother unload groceries from the car and it went KERSPLOOEY!!!! And as I was kneeling there on my driveway scooping up applesauce and glass shards into a plastic bag with the nearest handy tool (an ice scraper), I wondered to myself: does this ever happen to anyone else? Am I a stupid magnet? Is ( Read more... )

Guess who just got pulled over?

I may never get over the shame. Boy scouts were having a pancake fundraiser lunch at my church, $3.50 per person. So I walked up to the kid at the cashbox and gave him a 5 and he gave me $1.50 back. And I said, "I need another dollar." And he said, "No, I gave you the right change." And I said, "But..." and he said, "You gave me a five and it cost ( Read more... )

I just lost three games of checkers in a row to a six-year-old.