Another rant, another rage.
He is very, very, very hard to get over.
It's lead to some interesting conversations,though, and to my getting closer to some pretty awesome people. I finally filled Olivia in two days ago, and while we were talking, Derek came over to contribute. "I know, right? Who would leave Morgan??" "Ummm.... you?" "Oh yeah..." It was kinda great. It was like, the first time we'd ever talked about why he'd broken up with me, and we were laughing the whole time. Apparently he said it was getting too awkward. XD Whatever. Like Cathy said: It's Derek, he doesn't count.
But I went home and called Olivia, and we were on the phone from like... 3:45 until 7. Minus like... an hour where I was talking to Nelli, my uncle, and Josh. It was pretty great. We went from talking about drugs to the Civil War to the Revolutionary War to the elections to anarchy and back to drugs. It was pretty great. XD
But the thing is, as soon as I get off the phone, I get really depressed again. For no tangible reason, when I hang up and know that I won't be talking to anyone else, or when I glance up from my computer and notice that it's gotten dark, it's like someone's squeezing my lungs, and it's hard to breathe. Especially around the time I know he's getting off work. It's like I have some weird reflex... around 9:45 I check the clock, then check my phone, then I remember. I've been getting panic attacks... I generally have a problem with getting them when I'm stressed or scared, maybe twice a year, but I've been having them practically non-stop since last wednesday. It was really bad yesterday- I woke up from a nap gasping for air, and I thought I was having a heart attack.
And everything I told him to help him get over his last girlfriend- which led to all this- suddenly can't work for me. Listen to music... I made him a mix cd like, once every two weeks. If it was good, I used it. Now half my library I either gave to him, listened to and thought about him, or he gave to me. As pathetic as that is. Watch a bunch of movies? I figured out that nearly every dvd I own either involves love, or sucks. Spending time with friends... I do that as much as I can, but there are times, especially at night, when I get so depressed so suddenly, and I don't want to rub it off or take it out on them. I'm sure the ones I talk to often are sick of it.
Everyone tells me that it fades with time, it'll get better... But I just can't get out of the routine. I'd call him in the morning, go to school, wait for him in the hallway, get a hug or a sneaky kiss, go to class, wait for him afterwords or he'd be waiting at the door... The classes we shared, we'd shoot looks from across the room, hold hands, nestle our heads together during prayer (gotta love a christian school). Sit as close as humanly possible at lunch. Steal a kiss in the back hallway after school. He'd walk me to get my sister, she'd tackle him. Her friends would watch, green with envy... of Bri getting the hug or the fact that he was mine, I was never sure. He'd go straight to work, or we'd go to each other's houses after school. He'd call during break. His coworkers would tease him in the background, I could almost hear him blush. He'd call after work. We'd hang up at ten... And get right on aim until 11, or much, much later. I'd fall asleep cuddling one of the stuffed animals he gave me.
Now we don't really talk unless we have to. He avoids me, he even sits with a completely different table at lunch. He's always with Katie or Adrienne or both. He's texting a girl who asked for his number at the YMCA constantly. When I tease him, he tells me that this time he's going to get to be really good friends with a girl before he dates her. (ouch.) I keep slipping further and further down his top 20... All this in spite of him swearing he wanted to stay friends.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
It's lead to some interesting conversations,though, and to my getting closer to some pretty awesome people. I finally filled Olivia in two days ago, and while we were talking, Derek came over to contribute. "I know, right? Who would leave Morgan??" "Ummm.... you?" "Oh yeah..." It was kinda great. It was like, the first time we'd ever talked about why he'd broken up with me, and we were laughing the whole time. Apparently he said it was getting too awkward. XD Whatever. Like Cathy said: It's Derek, he doesn't count.
But I went home and called Olivia, and we were on the phone from like... 3:45 until 7. Minus like... an hour where I was talking to Nelli, my uncle, and Josh. It was pretty great. We went from talking about drugs to the Civil War to the Revolutionary War to the elections to anarchy and back to drugs. It was pretty great. XD
But the thing is, as soon as I get off the phone, I get really depressed again. For no tangible reason, when I hang up and know that I won't be talking to anyone else, or when I glance up from my computer and notice that it's gotten dark, it's like someone's squeezing my lungs, and it's hard to breathe. Especially around the time I know he's getting off work. It's like I have some weird reflex... around 9:45 I check the clock, then check my phone, then I remember. I've been getting panic attacks... I generally have a problem with getting them when I'm stressed or scared, maybe twice a year, but I've been having them practically non-stop since last wednesday. It was really bad yesterday- I woke up from a nap gasping for air, and I thought I was having a heart attack.
And everything I told him to help him get over his last girlfriend- which led to all this- suddenly can't work for me. Listen to music... I made him a mix cd like, once every two weeks. If it was good, I used it. Now half my library I either gave to him, listened to and thought about him, or he gave to me. As pathetic as that is. Watch a bunch of movies? I figured out that nearly every dvd I own either involves love, or sucks. Spending time with friends... I do that as much as I can, but there are times, especially at night, when I get so depressed so suddenly, and I don't want to rub it off or take it out on them. I'm sure the ones I talk to often are sick of it.
Everyone tells me that it fades with time, it'll get better... But I just can't get out of the routine. I'd call him in the morning, go to school, wait for him in the hallway, get a hug or a sneaky kiss, go to class, wait for him afterwords or he'd be waiting at the door... The classes we shared, we'd shoot looks from across the room, hold hands, nestle our heads together during prayer (gotta love a christian school). Sit as close as humanly possible at lunch. Steal a kiss in the back hallway after school. He'd walk me to get my sister, she'd tackle him. Her friends would watch, green with envy... of Bri getting the hug or the fact that he was mine, I was never sure. He'd go straight to work, or we'd go to each other's houses after school. He'd call during break. His coworkers would tease him in the background, I could almost hear him blush. He'd call after work. We'd hang up at ten... And get right on aim until 11, or much, much later. I'd fall asleep cuddling one of the stuffed animals he gave me.
Now we don't really talk unless we have to. He avoids me, he even sits with a completely different table at lunch. He's always with Katie or Adrienne or both. He's texting a girl who asked for his number at the YMCA constantly. When I tease him, he tells me that this time he's going to get to be really good friends with a girl before he dates her. (ouch.) I keep slipping further and further down his top 20... All this in spite of him swearing he wanted to stay friends.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.