I'M JUST VENTING, I GUESS.
I feel like I couldn't write a fucking grocery list anymore.
The Therapist says to just put down words on paper ( or screen, whatever ). Yeah, I'm back in therapy, three months or so now. I started up again because I always promised myself that I would go back to therapy if I ever began thinking about hurting myself. The Therapist says that I should feel accomplished that I kept a promise to myself like that.
What's wrong with me that I *don't*?
Some sessions are more productive than others. Mostly, of late, I feel hopeless and helpless and bitter and hateful.
I don't want this life I have anymore. Can I exchange it for a new one?
( I always did have too much of a fondness for escapist literature. )
Last night's session consisted mostly of me sitting in her office and bawling my freaking eyes out. I'm not given to waterworks as a general rule, and crying in front of people makes my skin crawl. But I have no control over it when it does happen.
As an aside, it always annoys me in movies, how so many people just have these lovely little trails of tears tracking down each cheek. I don't know where they're coming from: my face turns red and blotchy, my eyes swell up, my nose runs and there's snot and tears all over the place. But anyway.
My relationship with my parents seems to be the main thing that's bothering me. My mom has decided that I'm going to be moving back to her house in April, when my lease is up. She's already informed me that I'll be handing over my paycheck to her and she'll distribute what she thinks I'll need. Treating me like an kid getting an allowance really doesn't do anything but inspire me to behave like a rebellious sixteen-year-old. This, I think, is not really what's good for me right now, when so much of what bothers me is this feeling of being caught between the competing demands and expectations of both parents.
I still haven't developed the knack that all elementary-school-aged kids of divorced parents have of manipulating their folks. Instead, my parents seem to manipulate *me*.
I wish I could just stand up and shrug and do my own thing and not let it bother me, but I can't seem to manage it. I was always the "good" kid, the one who didn't let people down, who strove even harder at even the slightest sign of disappointment from one of them. Now I can't shake it, even as an adult. Sounds stupid when I write it out and look at it: Oh, I'm so depressed, I've actually been thinking about hurting myself because my parents get on my nerves!
I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to be lonely.
It's just that a lot of the time anymore, I don't really want to be.
The Therapist says to just put down words on paper ( or screen, whatever ). Yeah, I'm back in therapy, three months or so now. I started up again because I always promised myself that I would go back to therapy if I ever began thinking about hurting myself. The Therapist says that I should feel accomplished that I kept a promise to myself like that.
What's wrong with me that I *don't*?
Some sessions are more productive than others. Mostly, of late, I feel hopeless and helpless and bitter and hateful.
I don't want this life I have anymore. Can I exchange it for a new one?
( I always did have too much of a fondness for escapist literature. )
Last night's session consisted mostly of me sitting in her office and bawling my freaking eyes out. I'm not given to waterworks as a general rule, and crying in front of people makes my skin crawl. But I have no control over it when it does happen.
As an aside, it always annoys me in movies, how so many people just have these lovely little trails of tears tracking down each cheek. I don't know where they're coming from: my face turns red and blotchy, my eyes swell up, my nose runs and there's snot and tears all over the place. But anyway.
My relationship with my parents seems to be the main thing that's bothering me. My mom has decided that I'm going to be moving back to her house in April, when my lease is up. She's already informed me that I'll be handing over my paycheck to her and she'll distribute what she thinks I'll need. Treating me like an kid getting an allowance really doesn't do anything but inspire me to behave like a rebellious sixteen-year-old. This, I think, is not really what's good for me right now, when so much of what bothers me is this feeling of being caught between the competing demands and expectations of both parents.
I still haven't developed the knack that all elementary-school-aged kids of divorced parents have of manipulating their folks. Instead, my parents seem to manipulate *me*.
I wish I could just stand up and shrug and do my own thing and not let it bother me, but I can't seem to manage it. I was always the "good" kid, the one who didn't let people down, who strove even harder at even the slightest sign of disappointment from one of them. Now I can't shake it, even as an adult. Sounds stupid when I write it out and look at it: Oh, I'm so depressed, I've actually been thinking about hurting myself because my parents get on my nerves!
I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to be lonely.
It's just that a lot of the time anymore, I don't really want to be.