I Tried, But the Devil Took Hold
Sabbath, April 3rd. I was on the schedule to do the Scripture Reading at church, so I stood alone and practiced, only interacting when a person walked in the front door. I was the Door Greeting that day, as well, so it was my duty to speak kindly with them. At this point, my temper was under control and I was able to force a smile so as to satisfy the church family I loved so very much.
It was when I saw that green car pull into the parking lot and park in the far corner, the place it normally went to, that a prick of the anger escaped and twisted my face to one of no expression. Though I would have rather smiled gleefully, whether fake or honest, I could deal with no emotion. It was better than showing what my heart truly wanted to show.
"Happy Sabbath, Lindsay!" Rhonda dared to speak with a warm tone of friendship. She then took it a step further and grabbed me into an embrace. By instinct, I embraced her back, but quickly pulled away and stared coolly. Thick headed as she is, she didn't notice my glare and walked down the stairs to set up her food before service.
This act surprised me, for that left Danny and I alone. But then I realized she must have seen my mother and Velyo entering the foyer, and felt content that we wouldn't dare speak with them two around. What she doesn't know, however, is that my ma is fully aware of the situation, and backs me up all the way.
Still, I was angry not only at Rhonda, but Danny too. I didn't desire to interact with either Poff, unless it was to attack, which is against my Christian morals. God's will before own desire...
Sensing my obvious fury, Danny grabbed my attention and hugged me, thinking that would comfort me like it normally did. He knew my mother was aware of the full situation and would not tell Rhonda of our hug...However, what he didn't expect, was for me to push him away with an animalistic growl. The pile of bulletins in my hands were rolled and bent subconsciously, my anger causing my hands to bunch into fists.
"What's wrong, babe?" He voice was one of pure concern and love, and I almost fell for it as I normally do. But my fury was stronger today, and I seemed to be losing control of my actions.
"Oh, same as always." I answered in a low whisper, not desiring to drag Velyo down into the Hellfire of my life. Danny was taken aback by the ferocity in my voice.
"You're mad at me?" He seemed utterly shocked. "I am on your side, you know that! Come on, let's talk." He began to lead me to his pastoral study. I was tempted, but I fought away such feelings. Instead I began to walk in a circle, focused on not making eye contact with my bewildered friend. "You circling to me, or away from me?" He finally questioned.
"Away." I was curt and honest, refusing to look at him. I didn't need to feel the pain that came over him.
"Just know that you aren't circling away because I want you too. If it were up to me, I pick you and right now and the world would be right again." His voice wavered and I knew he fought back tears. I had hurt him, and for once, I was glad. This was the first step to allowing the Devil to overcome me.
Later that Sabbath, at the fellowship meal, Rhonda dared sit in front of me. I held my tongue, not needing drama. But as the discussions progressed, she began to speak of "not judging" and stuff along those lines. My face turned red hot and my nails dug into my palms, drawing blood, as I clenched them into fists.
My vision was beginning to turn red with fury so I lept to my feet and grabbed the keys and ran to the car. For an hour I sat there with my Bible, reading away the emotions. It was a success, for the most part, but a few traces of the anger still lingered.
I returned to the fellowship meal and sat besides my mother, Danny now across from us. My face was twisted with anger and sorrow. They didn't question, for they both knew. However, oblivious Cathy came over and questioned my face. Tears came and I refused to speak a word. I couldn't tell her the truth.
Truth was I was no longer sad or angry. I was scared. I was terrified. If I hadn't run to the car and read my Bible, I would have lunged across the table and attacked Rhonda without being conscious of it. The Devil had taken hold, which meant I had had a weak moment against God...Lord, save me. I need You.
It was when I saw that green car pull into the parking lot and park in the far corner, the place it normally went to, that a prick of the anger escaped and twisted my face to one of no expression. Though I would have rather smiled gleefully, whether fake or honest, I could deal with no emotion. It was better than showing what my heart truly wanted to show.
"Happy Sabbath, Lindsay!" Rhonda dared to speak with a warm tone of friendship. She then took it a step further and grabbed me into an embrace. By instinct, I embraced her back, but quickly pulled away and stared coolly. Thick headed as she is, she didn't notice my glare and walked down the stairs to set up her food before service.
This act surprised me, for that left Danny and I alone. But then I realized she must have seen my mother and Velyo entering the foyer, and felt content that we wouldn't dare speak with them two around. What she doesn't know, however, is that my ma is fully aware of the situation, and backs me up all the way.
Still, I was angry not only at Rhonda, but Danny too. I didn't desire to interact with either Poff, unless it was to attack, which is against my Christian morals. God's will before own desire...
Sensing my obvious fury, Danny grabbed my attention and hugged me, thinking that would comfort me like it normally did. He knew my mother was aware of the full situation and would not tell Rhonda of our hug...However, what he didn't expect, was for me to push him away with an animalistic growl. The pile of bulletins in my hands were rolled and bent subconsciously, my anger causing my hands to bunch into fists.
"What's wrong, babe?" He voice was one of pure concern and love, and I almost fell for it as I normally do. But my fury was stronger today, and I seemed to be losing control of my actions.
"Oh, same as always." I answered in a low whisper, not desiring to drag Velyo down into the Hellfire of my life. Danny was taken aback by the ferocity in my voice.
"You're mad at me?" He seemed utterly shocked. "I am on your side, you know that! Come on, let's talk." He began to lead me to his pastoral study. I was tempted, but I fought away such feelings. Instead I began to walk in a circle, focused on not making eye contact with my bewildered friend. "You circling to me, or away from me?" He finally questioned.
"Away." I was curt and honest, refusing to look at him. I didn't need to feel the pain that came over him.
"Just know that you aren't circling away because I want you too. If it were up to me, I pick you and right now and the world would be right again." His voice wavered and I knew he fought back tears. I had hurt him, and for once, I was glad. This was the first step to allowing the Devil to overcome me.
Later that Sabbath, at the fellowship meal, Rhonda dared sit in front of me. I held my tongue, not needing drama. But as the discussions progressed, she began to speak of "not judging" and stuff along those lines. My face turned red hot and my nails dug into my palms, drawing blood, as I clenched them into fists.
My vision was beginning to turn red with fury so I lept to my feet and grabbed the keys and ran to the car. For an hour I sat there with my Bible, reading away the emotions. It was a success, for the most part, but a few traces of the anger still lingered.
I returned to the fellowship meal and sat besides my mother, Danny now across from us. My face was twisted with anger and sorrow. They didn't question, for they both knew. However, oblivious Cathy came over and questioned my face. Tears came and I refused to speak a word. I couldn't tell her the truth.
Truth was I was no longer sad or angry. I was scared. I was terrified. If I hadn't run to the car and read my Bible, I would have lunged across the table and attacked Rhonda without being conscious of it. The Devil had taken hold, which meant I had had a weak moment against God...Lord, save me. I need You.