3 Words can change everything - "Learn 2 breathe"...
Only 2 weeks have passed since my last post, this time.
It's amazing how it always feels so much longer though.
The days seem to fly by, looking at the dates, but living them they feel endless...
So what have I been up to?
Basically it may seem like the regular stuff, but I have recognized some really important things, I guess.
I have received the results of all of my subjects at school, after pushing myself really hard to do well and sleep way too less:
I scored the highest grades in all of my subjects in class.
Furthermore we had a testworker at mocca last week, which made me be even more stressed due to having to explain a lot about my work - I had to finish some reports, presentations were expected in English class and also at school. Excel is getting tougher and I really have to struggle to understand.
Also I was really feeling burdened with the bakery job. It seemed like something I HAD to do - no matter if I wanted or not.
Seeing my boss and dear friend struggle so hard to prepare things for christmas and do the best she can to keep the store running, I'd jump if she asked me for anything.
Then, there is the fade work. Which I highly appreciate, but I felt unable to concentrate. I was burned out and tired and the e-mails I received regarding a lot of projects and other things didn't motivate me, but rather made me angry.
"More extra work, as if I wasn't busy enough already..."
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Thursday evening I was out with my workmates, to celebrate the birthday of one of them with a gokart race.
It was a whole lot of fun and we finished at 8PM, so not much too late, regarding that I had to get up at 5AM for school the next day
- But they had other plans with me.
"Just one beer" they said, and I'd agree not knowing I wouldn't come home before around 1AM, having a note on the table listing all the housework I had to do the next morning.
Also a presentation for office class was still waiting.
Everyone at school recognized how tired I was, that I barely talked.
Back at work I had to change from my normal office, to the one of Peugeot, because the testworker occupied my place...
I heard them laughing with each other and talking and couldn't join, what made me become not only tired, but frustrated
- And 10 minutes before I finished working, my bakery boss called me asking to get some medicine in the city for her, since she didn't feel well.
So I took the bus, hurried as hell to get her medicine and bring it to the bakery without even getting a thanks nor anything... and then back home.
Where finally I couldn't resist but be just at the end with my energy and my nerves and everything.
I wrote an SMS to Kala, reaching out to that one person who always had been there to send me some cheerful words when I felt down - and got no reply...
So I decided to reach out to Jon would be the only way to feel better.
It was planned as simply a relieve tweet to feel better about my situation, I didn't expect him to read it in the flood of tweets he receives nor did I expect anything to happen.
But as usual he figured out the moment to reach out to me and advice, what everyone had been telling me since months:
"Learn to breathe..."
I don't know why I only listen to those 2 people, no matter what everyone else says.
But I told my bakery boss that I need a week off in March - and got it granted.
I also told her I will quit after easter - and it's okay.
Next saturday is off, so I have a full weekend.
Tuesday I am going to travel to Mainz for some little mission I have.
In december are many meetings with mocca and also the bakery around the corner, to eat and talk together.
I'm planning to allow myself little breaks from now on. Regularly instead of just "every now and then".
My body is warning me. Constantly. With many problems I never had before August.
I should listen to those signals.
And stop and stare, every now and then instead of constantly running, believing I will reach my goal faster that way...
I want to feel alive again.
I want to listen to my calm breath and to my own heartbeat and fully understand what it means to be alive.
Not only enchained to duties.
Everyone deserves time. Everyone needs it.
It's time to stop.
I'm almost out of the testwork part.
After December the first mocca can't fire me anymore without a REALLY good reason.
And I'm doing well.
I do deserve a reward.
