They know not if it's dark outside or light.
I am a female.
I am eighteen years old.
I have 1,200 slowly dwindlng dollars in the bank.
I attend the University of North Carolina at Wilmington.
I still basically rely on my parents.
None of this matters.
Because in less than a century.
Nobody will know my name. Nobody will quote me. Nobody will remember my face.
And nobody will care that I am gone.
I hate revelations that occur unexpectedly. The ones that say. "You thought you knew? Ha. You had no clue. You were wrong in every aspect of your life. Stupid."
I guess when you get older everything gets clearer. Because it was this weekend I realized that this is it. I never get to be eighteen again. Or be a freshman in college ever again. And soon... I won't even be in college. I'll be on my own. Or married. Or with kids. Every single decision you make affects the outcome of your future. And I'm even talking about the small semi automatic ones we make everyday. What you eat. What time you go to bed. Because you are prioritizing things. You are deciding whats important to you. If you would rather talk to people than sleep, if you would rather eat a hamburger at McDonalds than take the time to cook for yourself, if you would rather sleep than study, if you would rather watch a movie than go out... you are deciding for yourself what really matters to you.
And you can really do anything.
There is always a way. Just sometimes it takes effort. And we as a race tend to avoid those options. Ergo "Lose weight without exercise" "Instant Oatmeal" etc etc.
But as I was making the two hour trek home from Apex I was running all my past decision in my head (good and awful) and realized how even the slightest ones have affected me to this point. And then I started thinking about other choices I could've made and how they would've affected my life. It was scary. Like.
What If I hadn't broken up with Keenan? Would I have cheated on him with Stephen? or would I have just passed up my feelings for Stephen? Where would I be now?
What If I hadn't broken away from my old group of friends? Would I have become one of those girls that drive me insane? Always searching for a party?
What If I hadn't gone to college? What if I just got a job? Would I have an apartment? Would I be poor and living with my family?
What If I looked different? Would I be treated different? Would I be more pleased with myself or life?
And I guess the big one.
If it all ended tomorrow... would I be happy up to now?
And if the answer to that question is no... I need to make changes.
So that is what I'm going to do.
I'm making changes. And if it means I'm alone. Then I'm alone.
Lonliness has never killed me before. And I will make it through.
Alone or not.
*sigh*
PS.
I am eighteen years old.
I have 1,200 slowly dwindlng dollars in the bank.
I attend the University of North Carolina at Wilmington.
I still basically rely on my parents.
None of this matters.
Because in less than a century.
Nobody will know my name. Nobody will quote me. Nobody will remember my face.
And nobody will care that I am gone.
I hate revelations that occur unexpectedly. The ones that say. "You thought you knew? Ha. You had no clue. You were wrong in every aspect of your life. Stupid."
I guess when you get older everything gets clearer. Because it was this weekend I realized that this is it. I never get to be eighteen again. Or be a freshman in college ever again. And soon... I won't even be in college. I'll be on my own. Or married. Or with kids. Every single decision you make affects the outcome of your future. And I'm even talking about the small semi automatic ones we make everyday. What you eat. What time you go to bed. Because you are prioritizing things. You are deciding whats important to you. If you would rather talk to people than sleep, if you would rather eat a hamburger at McDonalds than take the time to cook for yourself, if you would rather sleep than study, if you would rather watch a movie than go out... you are deciding for yourself what really matters to you.
And you can really do anything.
There is always a way. Just sometimes it takes effort. And we as a race tend to avoid those options. Ergo "Lose weight without exercise" "Instant Oatmeal" etc etc.
But as I was making the two hour trek home from Apex I was running all my past decision in my head (good and awful) and realized how even the slightest ones have affected me to this point. And then I started thinking about other choices I could've made and how they would've affected my life. It was scary. Like.
What If I hadn't broken up with Keenan? Would I have cheated on him with Stephen? or would I have just passed up my feelings for Stephen? Where would I be now?
What If I hadn't broken away from my old group of friends? Would I have become one of those girls that drive me insane? Always searching for a party?
What If I hadn't gone to college? What if I just got a job? Would I have an apartment? Would I be poor and living with my family?
What If I looked different? Would I be treated different? Would I be more pleased with myself or life?
And I guess the big one.
If it all ended tomorrow... would I be happy up to now?
And if the answer to that question is no... I need to make changes.
So that is what I'm going to do.
I'm making changes. And if it means I'm alone. Then I'm alone.
Lonliness has never killed me before. And I will make it through.
Alone or not.
*sigh*
PS.