Very old snippet- 2002 or so....
I just stumbled on this while cleaning my computer, and it's nice to know that I was happy with violet at some point, even if it's in a twisted, weird way. i dunno. i like how this sounds. More how i wish this would sound now.
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in my older entries i used to play around with making the gender of all the characters ambiguous. Gender still isn't particularly important. The Spark.com's Gender Test tells me Im a man, and the Bem Sex Roles Inventory tells me I'm sexless. so why bother trying to obscure things purely for my amusement? but this isn't about me, this is about violet. a stupid entry mooning over the significant other- probably just the kind of entry i was trying to avoid when starting afresh. oh well. im just going to pretend honesty will lead to better things later on.
violet. i can't tell at this very moment in time, if i'm happy or just pissed off. i'm reaching that sticky point, i've been infected, and we all know from there on things end badly. irrational thoughts. you're so f**king beautiful. fucking, because I'm irritated about it. your face, your backlit hair, shoulders. the way you smell drives me up the wall. even your stupid, stupid smell is beautiful. i'm probably well on the way to rhapsodizing about your fingernails. and i know it's all in my head which makes me even more pissed off. you're no more attractive then anyone else, your smell is probably of the no shower kind, and still im being beaten, dragged and screaming, and i'm bitter. i really do hate liking people. i wasn't kidding when i said that. sure, you know i like you, but the worst it gets the more i'm losing control of the situation and i hate that even more. if i go all soft then i lose any power in this situation and i'm not as awful as I sound.
i still smell like you so why do i smell good?
i barely saw you this weekend, we barely spoke and sure you annoyed me at some point, but there it was anyway- beautiful, funny, intelligent- effusive stupid adjectives coming from my brain. maybe i should be meaner to you. maybe that would help.
i see you often enough now that i don't get that much of a hangover anymore.
where does this sudden outburst come from? it sneaks up on you and clubs you in your head while your sleeping, i bet. and blood everywhere. stupid, stupid. it's really irrational. 2 months ago i hadn't heard from you in so long that i had pretty much decided i was through, backed by encouragement and offers of freshmeat from friends and the housemates.
and finally last month i admitted to myself that low, err, sexual satisfaction was a reason to be annoyed. but here i am all squishy. im sure there are things about you that i hate with fiery burning (yes, fiery and burning) passion.
so what's my problem anyway? hysterical! irrational! im sure. let's see- you finally admit to yourself that you really like someone, get all comfortable with it, then they dump you and you feel stupid.
your shoulders were rough, probably a bit scabby, now there's just soft and sleek and come on, I have to be imagining that.
*********
in my older entries i used to play around with making the gender of all the characters ambiguous. Gender still isn't particularly important. The Spark.com's Gender Test tells me Im a man, and the Bem Sex Roles Inventory tells me I'm sexless. so why bother trying to obscure things purely for my amusement? but this isn't about me, this is about violet. a stupid entry mooning over the significant other- probably just the kind of entry i was trying to avoid when starting afresh. oh well. im just going to pretend honesty will lead to better things later on.
violet. i can't tell at this very moment in time, if i'm happy or just pissed off. i'm reaching that sticky point, i've been infected, and we all know from there on things end badly. irrational thoughts. you're so f**king beautiful. fucking, because I'm irritated about it. your face, your backlit hair, shoulders. the way you smell drives me up the wall. even your stupid, stupid smell is beautiful. i'm probably well on the way to rhapsodizing about your fingernails. and i know it's all in my head which makes me even more pissed off. you're no more attractive then anyone else, your smell is probably of the no shower kind, and still im being beaten, dragged and screaming, and i'm bitter. i really do hate liking people. i wasn't kidding when i said that. sure, you know i like you, but the worst it gets the more i'm losing control of the situation and i hate that even more. if i go all soft then i lose any power in this situation and i'm not as awful as I sound.
i still smell like you so why do i smell good?
i barely saw you this weekend, we barely spoke and sure you annoyed me at some point, but there it was anyway- beautiful, funny, intelligent- effusive stupid adjectives coming from my brain. maybe i should be meaner to you. maybe that would help.
i see you often enough now that i don't get that much of a hangover anymore.
where does this sudden outburst come from? it sneaks up on you and clubs you in your head while your sleeping, i bet. and blood everywhere. stupid, stupid. it's really irrational. 2 months ago i hadn't heard from you in so long that i had pretty much decided i was through, backed by encouragement and offers of freshmeat from friends and the housemates.
and finally last month i admitted to myself that low, err, sexual satisfaction was a reason to be annoyed. but here i am all squishy. im sure there are things about you that i hate with fiery burning (yes, fiery and burning) passion.
so what's my problem anyway? hysterical! irrational! im sure. let's see- you finally admit to yourself that you really like someone, get all comfortable with it, then they dump you and you feel stupid.
your shoulders were rough, probably a bit scabby, now there's just soft and sleek and come on, I have to be imagining that.