The fun of job hunting
It's way too late for me to be up, but then again at this point it's shifted back from late to early. Which I was trying to avoid. Because somehow there's not enough hours in the day for all of my doing nothing. It's an odd balance, because I don't know what I want. It's weird trying to get used to living with someone different. With Holly, I could spend as much time in my room as I wanted without feeling guilty. This feeling of having to share myself, after 3 years of Holly, is really grating. I miss my peaceful, empty Obieland bubble. I hate having to answer my door, answer the phone, having to interrupt whatever I'm doing everytime L1 wants something. Supposedly when two people are too similar they can't get along, but I think my problem is being similiar but not similar enough. I'm a lack and she's push, and tiny things get on my nerves like her touching and moving things, or interrupting while I'm reading. I wish there was a better way to get across just how much time I need alone. Except that I'm not even sure of how much that is. I want desperately to be left alone, but there's only vague possible endings to that in sight. Too much of a good thing makes it not enough. I can't engage in my nothingness efficiently because I have too much time that I get tangled in. And the more I get tangled the more dejected I get, and the more dejected I get the more time slips away. I know I really need to finish pushing through with the job search. If only looking for a job wouldn't be easier if I already had commitment to ground me. Instead I try to stick in dreams and lose the hours. I want a job so that my free time will work better. But I want to be left alone with my nothing at the same time. I need to catch onto something and it's hard. I know I need to divide up the factors and figure out what's going on. Is is not taking meds on time? (Is it the level of craziness you've achieved when you start calling your pills meds?) Is it the weird sleeping and eating schedule? Is the internet rotting my brain? Because I know most of my friends would think of my internet activities, if not just stupid, unhealthy and unproductive. Making icons and obsessively plowing through fanfic? For losers. Which I don't agree with. But that's another topic I want to get into later. But I guess what I was aiming for is whether it's a good thing to constantly be interrupted by L1 and now the kitten. If I need to get away from my obsessions, even if I enjoy them. Structure, structure. As if somehow graduating would make all my organizational problems go away. I want to do everything at once, I want a fulfilling environmental job because I'm scared of the planet blowing up, but what really turns me on is music and scrutinizing characters that don't exist. Should I try to get a colorful, fluffy job and feel guilty, or try to do some good? I'm going for the second one. I keep on trying to hold everything up to Vi's standards, even though I (voluntarily) haven't spoken to him in months. How he manages to become the imaginary gatekeeper for my impossible standards annoys me. I write these things to straighten things out in my head, but somehow nothing seems clearer.