Frustration
I am baffled as to why I feel the way I do right now. I was fine two weeks ago, and there haven't been any precipitating events, but it all follows its stupid little schedule like clockwork- first loss of appetite and problems sleeping, then the charming mix of colorful suicidal thoughts and apathy, then the fear of groups of people and the self destructive behavior. So far, thankfully no crying. And there better not be, or I will be removing my tear ducts with some scissors and rubbing alcohol. I cried quite enough last semester. If I can see this coming like a cold, I should be able to do something about it, or control it, or something other than participate in it. Where's the difficulty in just controlling yourself? I'm disappointed in myself. It shouldn't be hard to not act like a freak. I missed a friend's performance because I didn't want to leave my house and be around lots of people. But I think part of it was also the whole "Your friends should hate you, you deserve it" aspect of it. I'm only taking one class for credit. I did all of the readings and looked over the (simple) problems that were due today last night. And then I stayed up all night doing nothing and tried to finish the work in the morning and missed the class. And I seriously think I did this just to punish myself and fuck myself over. Why? Who knows. I was able to do the work (albeit slowly), and I had the time, and I prepared beforehand. So why? Why do I need to punish myself? I seem to have equally desperate needs to prove to myself that I am and that I am not worthless. And those two colliding don't seem to be doing very much for me. I can't miss any more classes or assignments, that's for sure, but I don't know how to stop the other stuff. I know it sounds like I'm being flippant- I'm not. I've only got the energy for destructive or apathetic. And I figure apathetic is a little better. There has to be some science behind this that I'm missing. Nothing has happened! I guess it could be that I'm worried about my family, or sitting on my hands waiting for the ENVS committee to get back to me about their mistake, or that I don't have a solid schedule yet (I really hate that) or I guess it could still be echoes from the little while ago where I forgot to take my pills for a while. But none of those are particularly sudden or traumatic. There must be something to prompt this. So frustrated. I want to spend this week in bed.