whoosh
Is there something particular about the beginning of the semester that makes people anxious? Something they spray down Obieland with? Because I'm not particularly nervous about the start of classes (at least I don't think so) but I feel like smashing my head in. Or maybe someone else's. I'm not really sure. It might be because I forgot to take pills a lot of the time when L1 was here (what a pair we're going to make living together...) so the chemicals in my brain are probably going "whoosh!", because I don't really have anything to be upset about, but I have the familiar feeling hovering around- what is it? "glittering expanse of panic"... I just want to claw at my arms. Either dissolve into myself or explode, stay away from crowds, pick fights with people for no reason, mostly pick fights with myself. Because I'm the only one allowed to insult myself, no one can possibly do it better. So I might as well tell them to fuck off. Even if they haven't said anything yet. Perhaps this is my cue to hide in my room until I'm not quite so....something. It's most disconcerting to think that these feelings come and go with a tiny swish of hormones or nuerotransmitters- it's like my emotions aren't real. Which is sometimes comforting, but makes the lack of control more frustrating. Explode, dissolve, explode, dissolve.