(no subject)
i told allie i was more ambivalent about having kids and she took it very without a conversation which i was very surprised by but i did what i needed to!
also i've stopped wearing my rings
it just feels like something i need to do
oh wait let me try to remember the whole convo about kids
she mentioned something about how her cousin's wife was like, well with everything going on, maybe it's a good thing we can only have the one child!
and i was like yeah, actually, speaking of, the political and environmental situation makes me really hesitate to have kids
and she was like yeah true
me:
me: and also, being in therapy, i'm realizing that when we talked about having kids, saying we could do it together made me like, oh, well that makes sense because i wouldn't be alone! but i didn't look at the emotional side of things, and i'm realizing that in general, i'm really pretty ambivalent to having kids actually
and then somehow i said the word unsure and she asked me unsure leaning in a direction of positive or negative? and i was like no, pretty neutrally ambivalent, really
and she was like well you do get to make more of the decision because it's your body
and then that was the end of the conversation, she changed the subject very quickly
and for her therapy today her homework was to write about what a healthy relationship looks like to her and what she thinks love is like
and now she's on bumble and tweeting about people she was immediately turned off by
i just feel like i constantly get whiplash from her like one day she's like one day.....i will want to date....but i am nowhere near that point.....and then the next day, she's on bumble and like, doing that
i don't think i'm like mad about it or upset about it, but i just also feel like i've already lost, a little? like i don't really feel much of anything right now but i did feel the urge to come here and write this so clearly i'm like sort of getting close to a feeling for sure ? i'm not sure
and i just... i don't know
i don't know what to think or feel
i feel like what i want out of a relationship with my own issues is to be Number One but you can't be number one when there's two people competing for the spot
well, in theory you could, but i've met me, and i don't think it's very promising lmao
and am i gonna have to hear about this? is it rude to say i don't want to hear about it?
i don't know
anyway
just about time to go home
i don't know! i don't know
i've tried to get really busy lately lmao also like i was telling her a story about her at lush and i didn't mean to tell her that i call her my roommate there and she scoffed at that and i'm just like
yeah, how's it feel lmao!
and also i'm just like
our friends don't think it's unreasonable that allie date people, and it's not unreasonable, but i hate that i feel like the only person i can talk to about this is my therapist!
but i just feel so overwhelmingly like we're going to end poorly or that i'm going to just be like, do whatever you want lol! and alienate her because that's what i'm good at!!!!
the urge to be like we should get annulled just so we don't have to deal with your parents being right in the future is SO STRONG because that's ... what we should do lmao
but it's just shitty
i feel like i'm not even a primary member of our relationship idk