(no subject)
i never really REALLY realized how often allie mentions having children. so it's constantly on my mind that i have to tell her that i am gonna have to wait and see how i feel with a third person before i decide whether or not i want to have kids.
and it's...really upsetting, lmao. like, not to be a drama queen, but she kind of DOES make me feel like a walking womb. what's the point of our relationship as it is once she gets a boyfriend?
it's so hard for me to remember that i do get a say in this whole thing.
and then also allie is so...she'll talk about how she's nowhere near ready to start dating, and that dating while married is going to be so complicated, this and that and then she'll be like UGH i just know my homework soon is going to be to start dating!
is it very rude to ask her not to talk about dating with me? or kids? or like... anything at all maybe? lmao!
i know this is not fair and maybe truly it could all work out, but what allie pictures in her head........that's not what my ideal future looks like. but where does that leave us? how much compromise is unreasonable?
allie said something about dating with ptsd and i was like i thought you were technically going to be cured? and she was like well i'll probably have to start dating WITH it to really challenge my stuck points....
me: 1) if i hear another fucking thing about your fucking stuck points i'm going to leave and never come home! thanks!
2) (sort of joking) i mean, can't you just
ALSO. here's another thing, i got distracted, and maybe i'll come back to that part but like, romantic relationships and platonic relationships are not mutually exclusive, of course not, but what you want me for, what you WANT ME FOR, is as a best friend. you want me as a best friend. you don't want me as a wife! you want a a boyfriend and a best friend! you don't really want a boyfriend and a wife! that's not what you want! you want me in your life because i've been here and because i said i would bear your fucking children, but you don't want me, you just don't want to not have me.
that is not the same fucking thing.
and also like, allie will be like i need to deal with my stuck points blah blah blah because i think i'm incapable of being loved or in a romantic relationship even if i wanted to be blah blah blah well join the fucking club asshole!
i want to be married to allie because i want to BE with allie. i don't want to be married to her if she sees me someone she just doesn't want to not have me. that's not enough! and i just feel like, there is not a better way on this planet fucking earth to make ME feel shitty than to realize that i am not enough. i mean, i kind of knew that but it's one thing to kind of know it and to hear it constantly! i'm not sure where to go from here for this because i don't want a third person. i don't want another person! i don't want another person. could it work? maybe. MAYBE. not guaranteed, but maybe. but why should it be my problem to the extent that it becomes my problem? this is such a fucking scam.
i just feel so...hurt. i knew she wanted this but i guess i just hoped that she would??? stop??? that was naive and unfair of me. i just didn't know it would be such an issue for me. i didn't know it would be such an issue for me. but it's an issue JUST IMAGINING IT. i did have some concerns at times when she mentioned some things but i just assumed i would...get over it? like i get over everything? i don't know. i'm so conflicted. i don't know what to do. kristen says i don't need to do anything except be authentic and share my feelings about kids with allie and really just come from a place of "i don't know how I will feel, i've never been in this type of relationship before, i'm sorry, i know this isn't what we agreed on, but us having kids together will depend on how i feel once there is another person that you're seeing, and i just won't know how i feel until that happens, but i need to be honest with you that us talking about kids all the time and plans and things like that, like, it's very hard for me because i just don't know how i will feel, and we'll have to see how it all happens"
but having those kinds of conversations makes me want to burn everything to the ground and just deal with the aftermath of the burnt out husk of a life! that would be preferable frankly!
and it fucking sucks because kristen is the only one i have to talk about it with because i hate relying on other people and i hate the idea that i was wrong to get married to allie. i hate that idea! being wrong about something that allie's parents told us we should wait about and we did SECRETLY ANYWAY blows!
and i just want someone to say they understand and that it's okay that things changed and that it's not unreasonable to feel the way i do and that i'm not a bad person for not knowing that i wouldn't be able to do what i said i would be okay with doing.
and i just...am hurt. it's tough to know i can't ever be enough for someone who i thought I would be.