[relax, relapse]
My efforts to completely ignore all things Panic at the Disco somehow led to me being earwormed by "Camisado" for three days straight, which I'm mostly taking as my subconscious telling me "Nice try, but you will never be free." Good to know, I guess.
So then I did break down and listen to the new song clip - mostly it made me sad for obvious reasons, but also, I really, really liked it. That's nice and I'm glad, but I'm not sure that it's really all that relevant since I'm not really here for the music. I *like* the music, don't get me wrong. When there is a new CD I will probably buy it. Hopefully I'll like whatever Jon and Ryan come up with too. But there are a lot of artists whose music I like who I have no desire to read fic about. My favorite *musically* of the bandom bands is MCR pretty much hands down, and they're one of the ones I've probably engaged with the least *fannishly.* I'm here for the narrative, and right now I just don't have that much interest in the narrative. I'm keeping up kind of vaguely with what's going on, but I'm not that interested in speculation and I have no desire to read fic and I don't see that changing any time soon.
I have read the Ryan interview. It's really not that bad. It could have been worse. I was at a point where I was expecting worse. But I still don't feel great in general. There are two separate issues impacting the way I'm handling - or not handling, as the case may be - this situation. The first is my embarrassingly deep concern over the state of friendships between people I have never met and will never meet. That's just going to continue to be a problem for me in this fandom, but leaving that aside for a second, my other issue is largely a narrative one. Put most bluntly, this narrative development really just doesn't work for me given the narrative that exists in my head.
Here is how I engage with FICTIONAL source texts: I want narrative unity; I want it all to fit together and make sense. Obviously we all want that, but in a fictional source text, it's not unprecedented for one thing that doesn't fit to ruin everything for me. If something really doesn't work for me in a way that I feel fundamentally hurts/is in opposition to the overall narrative arc/themes, it can retroactively taint everything that came before it since now I know the thing that doesn't work is coming and therefore the arc/themes are, in a way, negated. Not always, it depends on context, of course, but it *can.* Look, I never claimed I wasn't neurotic.
One problem with RPF, as inlovewithnight and I were discussing the other day, is that it doesn't have to make sense. In real life, you are not guaranteed narrative unity or closure. (Not that you are guaranteed these things with fictional source texts either, unfortunately, but at least there it isn't an unreasonable expectation). Also, though, if it doesn't make sense, that just means you don't have all the information. I mean, whatever actually happened clearly makes sense to the people involved, right? There aren't writers to blame. We're just observers who never had access to the whole story anyway. While with a fictional source text we have all the information (or we *should*), with RPF we only ever have incomplete pieces so we're always using fanon to fill in the blanks - and in RPF fanon is never *just* fanon since the characters are fannishly constructed in a way that fictional fandom characters are not. We're constantly extrapolating narrative coherence from something that already doesn't guarantee us narrative. All we've really guaranteed ourselves is a head fuck, you know? (Not to say it isn't worth it - I love RPF. I may try to avoid having an RPF fandom as a primary fandom in the future, but it's not like I really get a choice. I don't pick my fandoms. They pick me. Bandom kidnapped me and chained me to the bed and distracted me with pretty boys in eyeliner until I was stockholmed into submission. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying I really don't feel like I chose this. You never know what's going to grab you).
In RPF, the only narrative arc/themes are the ones we construct, both by ourselves and communally. So the deal is that while I continue to have affection for the actual real people who are/were Panic, and I hope that they're happy and making music they love and that everything works out for them, recent developments do not match the narrative in my head for the fannishly constructed characters as I have read them to this point, and I can't make it match; I don't know that I *want* it too and I don't think I want to watch this show anymore. (I have given up on television shows for far less). That's mostly what it comes down to and that's why I'm feeling like I want to be done. However, I can't make any definitive pronouncements because on the other hand, obviously I'm still paying attention and I'm still excessively overinvested so I don't totally know what happens going forward - except that I'm doing a bad job of disengaging and/or taking a break and I needed to talk that out a bit.
I am feeling better now that I have shoved "irrationally concerned about Ryan Ross's life choices" and "distraught over what I, personally, perceive as a lack of narrative unity" into two separate boxes because they really are two very different things. With a fictional source text you only have to deal with one of those things, so I wasn't drawing enough of a distinction between them at first which was disorienting since they are frequently contradictory.
This probably will be the last thing I'll say here on the subject for awhile, but it's possible I could maybe even discuss this with something resembling rationality now, which is a nice step in the right direction. At least I am feeling relatively chill compared to last week at this time when there was shrieking and throwing things and slopping gin all over my apartment. Admittedly, it's not like the bar for "rationality" or "perspective" is all that high at the moment.
I *will* say that however I'm feeling about the source text I am really, really glad for all of the friends I've made in bandom; it's a great fandom and it's changed my fannish experience so much. I'm about a month shy of my two year bandom anniversary - and if you'd told me two years ago today that bandom would be my primary fandom for this long - or at all, maybe - I don't really think I'd have believed you.
♥♥, flist. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as super neurotic. But I AM super neurotic about this! So.
Now I am going to go watch the season premier of Entourage. I love that show. My favorite part is that it's probably too ridic to ever actually hurt me. My second favorite part is how almost unbearably attractive Adrian Grenier is. I've been sitting on an Entourage fic for a year. Maybe I'll actually finish that; it would be fun and without negative associations.
Something fannishly shiny needs to happen. The new Harry Potter movie is out tomorrow! That should make large segments of fandom-at-large happy. That would be good.
So then I did break down and listen to the new song clip - mostly it made me sad for obvious reasons, but also, I really, really liked it. That's nice and I'm glad, but I'm not sure that it's really all that relevant since I'm not really here for the music. I *like* the music, don't get me wrong. When there is a new CD I will probably buy it. Hopefully I'll like whatever Jon and Ryan come up with too. But there are a lot of artists whose music I like who I have no desire to read fic about. My favorite *musically* of the bandom bands is MCR pretty much hands down, and they're one of the ones I've probably engaged with the least *fannishly.* I'm here for the narrative, and right now I just don't have that much interest in the narrative. I'm keeping up kind of vaguely with what's going on, but I'm not that interested in speculation and I have no desire to read fic and I don't see that changing any time soon.
I have read the Ryan interview. It's really not that bad. It could have been worse. I was at a point where I was expecting worse. But I still don't feel great in general. There are two separate issues impacting the way I'm handling - or not handling, as the case may be - this situation. The first is my embarrassingly deep concern over the state of friendships between people I have never met and will never meet. That's just going to continue to be a problem for me in this fandom, but leaving that aside for a second, my other issue is largely a narrative one. Put most bluntly, this narrative development really just doesn't work for me given the narrative that exists in my head.
Here is how I engage with FICTIONAL source texts: I want narrative unity; I want it all to fit together and make sense. Obviously we all want that, but in a fictional source text, it's not unprecedented for one thing that doesn't fit to ruin everything for me. If something really doesn't work for me in a way that I feel fundamentally hurts/is in opposition to the overall narrative arc/themes, it can retroactively taint everything that came before it since now I know the thing that doesn't work is coming and therefore the arc/themes are, in a way, negated. Not always, it depends on context, of course, but it *can.* Look, I never claimed I wasn't neurotic.
One problem with RPF, as inlovewithnight and I were discussing the other day, is that it doesn't have to make sense. In real life, you are not guaranteed narrative unity or closure. (Not that you are guaranteed these things with fictional source texts either, unfortunately, but at least there it isn't an unreasonable expectation). Also, though, if it doesn't make sense, that just means you don't have all the information. I mean, whatever actually happened clearly makes sense to the people involved, right? There aren't writers to blame. We're just observers who never had access to the whole story anyway. While with a fictional source text we have all the information (or we *should*), with RPF we only ever have incomplete pieces so we're always using fanon to fill in the blanks - and in RPF fanon is never *just* fanon since the characters are fannishly constructed in a way that fictional fandom characters are not. We're constantly extrapolating narrative coherence from something that already doesn't guarantee us narrative. All we've really guaranteed ourselves is a head fuck, you know? (Not to say it isn't worth it - I love RPF. I may try to avoid having an RPF fandom as a primary fandom in the future, but it's not like I really get a choice. I don't pick my fandoms. They pick me. Bandom kidnapped me and chained me to the bed and distracted me with pretty boys in eyeliner until I was stockholmed into submission. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying I really don't feel like I chose this. You never know what's going to grab you).
In RPF, the only narrative arc/themes are the ones we construct, both by ourselves and communally. So the deal is that while I continue to have affection for the actual real people who are/were Panic, and I hope that they're happy and making music they love and that everything works out for them, recent developments do not match the narrative in my head for the fannishly constructed characters as I have read them to this point, and I can't make it match; I don't know that I *want* it too and I don't think I want to watch this show anymore. (I have given up on television shows for far less). That's mostly what it comes down to and that's why I'm feeling like I want to be done. However, I can't make any definitive pronouncements because on the other hand, obviously I'm still paying attention and I'm still excessively overinvested so I don't totally know what happens going forward - except that I'm doing a bad job of disengaging and/or taking a break and I needed to talk that out a bit.
I am feeling better now that I have shoved "irrationally concerned about Ryan Ross's life choices" and "distraught over what I, personally, perceive as a lack of narrative unity" into two separate boxes because they really are two very different things. With a fictional source text you only have to deal with one of those things, so I wasn't drawing enough of a distinction between them at first which was disorienting since they are frequently contradictory.
This probably will be the last thing I'll say here on the subject for awhile, but it's possible I could maybe even discuss this with something resembling rationality now, which is a nice step in the right direction. At least I am feeling relatively chill compared to last week at this time when there was shrieking and throwing things and slopping gin all over my apartment. Admittedly, it's not like the bar for "rationality" or "perspective" is all that high at the moment.
I *will* say that however I'm feeling about the source text I am really, really glad for all of the friends I've made in bandom; it's a great fandom and it's changed my fannish experience so much. I'm about a month shy of my two year bandom anniversary - and if you'd told me two years ago today that bandom would be my primary fandom for this long - or at all, maybe - I don't really think I'd have believed you.
♥♥, flist. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as super neurotic. But I AM super neurotic about this! So.
Now I am going to go watch the season premier of Entourage. I love that show. My favorite part is that it's probably too ridic to ever actually hurt me. My second favorite part is how almost unbearably attractive Adrian Grenier is. I've been sitting on an Entourage fic for a year. Maybe I'll actually finish that; it would be fun and without negative associations.
Something fannishly shiny needs to happen. The new Harry Potter movie is out tomorrow! That should make large segments of fandom-at-large happy. That would be good.