self destruction
Trying to describe the thoughts in my head, what I am feeling and what I am going through is like trying to describe the moment right before you die, when your life flashes before your eyes. I can feel myself becoming self-destructive. On the drive home tonight I so desperately wanted to just throw the car into a tree so that I wouldn’t have to face the oncoming sunrise. The self-destructive tendencies are due to the fact that I don’t know how to deal with ANY of my emotions. I don’t know what to say to Shauna, she’s in a hard place being good friends with both of us. I don’t envy her position. I would NOT want to be her (though.. it would be better than being me.) I am not very sure about how I feel about him. I mean I know that I love him to death. But I don’t know what i’m doing and I don’t know how he could do that I just don’t know... how did I not matter enough,..... How is it that while her tongue was in his mouth he didn’t once think of me????? I don’t know how I feel about this "mish" yes okay fine I am fuckin furious,..... And would LOVE to sit and watch her suffer. But I don’t know how to deal with her rationally or cope with her actions. I hate mike that hasn’t changed and probably won’t. I feel really nauseous. I'm not sure I can cope with this. With any of this. I just want to scream or cry or punch a wall just self-destruct