2018 - The Year that Was...
So. 2018.
I don’t usually do year-end wrap-ups - but this is not the end of a normal year. To be honest, details of this year are eluding me since I really haven’t been writing or posting about anything of importance. Looking at Facebook or Twitter would have you believing that my life revolves around being annoyed or upset by what others are saying about the state of the world - I “like” and “retweet” a lot of things that I agree with but didn’t express myself. I believe this has to do with what made this NOT a “normal” year.
You see - this was the year I began to… well, for lack of a better or less-dramatic-sounding term - I began to FEEL again.
I really stopped FEELING in the back half of 2015, and those who know me, and most who are reading this, know why. No use dwelling on it, and I was certainly not the only one affected. We all deal with unexpected tragedy in different ways, and mine was to SHUT IT ALL DOWN. That’s not to say I didn’t cry, especially in the days immediately following… one usually doesn’t just SHUT DOWN overnight. It took a couple months, and it wasn’t even conscious. I didn’t even really notice it was happening. I just started to notice that things that would normally make me cry, my eyes would manage to fill but no actual tears would fall. Things that would normally make me happy, or laugh, I could manage a laugh, but they became increasingly hollow.
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t isolate myself. I hung out with friends more and more, did more things. I saw SO MANY MOVIES. Some made me laugh - but no genuine belly-laughs. Some made me misty - but no tears-streaming-down-the-face.
I didn’t consciously register that ANY of this was happening - and I doubt anyone else noticed either. I didn’t notice the lack of feeling… until I started feeling again.
It actually started in late October of last year. My friend Christy scored me tickets to see Depeche Mode with them at “Whatever It’s Called This Week” Arena in Chula Vista. Now, I’ve loved DM for many many years, but hadn’t actually seen them since their Exciter Tour in 2001. Christy mentioned they had won tickets, I believe, and I had a stirring of interest to see them again, so she helped me find lawn tickets. As the day approached, I started FEELING something akin to excitement.
But that show CHANGED ME. That show MADE ME FEEL JOY AGAIN.
So much so, that I saw them live TWO MORE TIMES, flying to Boston to do so (as well as see Steve and family again of course) and again in Anaheim, plus COUNTLESS times online due to the generosity (and probably mutual obsession) of other DM fans around the country and the world. Then U2 started their Joshua Tree 30th Anniversary Tour, and I saw them TWICE - first in Pasadena at the Rose Bowl, and then again in San Diego. Seeing DM live again stirred my heart… seeing U2 live stirred my soul.
I started to notice a change… but so very, very minor it didn’t completely register. Not until what I thought was going to be a normal Sunday morning at Comic-Con.
This year was also my full return to Comic-Con since 2014. I was planning to go in 2015 but we know what happened there, and in 2016 and 2017 I managed to get in for a day here or there (not discussing details but you all know how), but for 2018 I had managed to sign up for and be accepted into the SDCC Volunteer program. By volunteering 3-4 hours of my time, I got the rest of the day at the Con for free.
So it happened that Saturday after Con, my friends Pam and Scott convinced me to come to a panel with them Sunday morning before my Sunday shift, for a little show called “Supernatural”. Like I’m sure most of you are, I was aware of the show, but I’ve never seen it. I never really thought it was for me - I’m not a big horror or monster-movie fan. Plus, it starred two cute boys and I assumed drew a crowd of squeally-girl fans, of which “Twilight” had given me plenty of reason to dislike being involved with.
But when Pam told me, first, this show was going on it’s FOURTEENTH SEASON, and second, that KANSAS - the ACTUAL FUCKING BAND KANSAS - had opened their panel last year… well, this was something I had to see. I needed to see what it was with this show about two cute boys chasing monsters in a car that had led to this kind of longevity.
There was also this thing I had heard about and been intrigued by but never signed up to do - GISH, the Greatest Internet Scavenger Hunt - that I had just signed up to do, and was starting the week after Comic-Con… and was the brainchild of one of the stars of the show, Misha Collins. So I went to see what this guy was all about, and wondering if he might drop some hints as to what I was in for.
Let me just say - I was NOT PREPARED.
The first thing that hit me was the trailer reel for Season 13. These were NOT boys, but very enigmatic and talented MEN (and yes, not hard on the eyes by a long shot) starring in this show, and just that short trailer displayed the quality, love, and care that went in to making it. When I saw (SPOILERS!!) Dean (Jensen Ackles) turn into Michael the archangel, my only thought was “I HAVE TO SEE HOW THIS HAPPENED!”.
Then when the panel started, I saw something I had never, in all my many years of going to Comic-Con, seen before. I did not see a cast come out on stage greeted by an audience - I saw beloved members of a FAMILY returning to an annual FAMILY REUNION with over six thousand family members. The outpouring of genuine LOVE for these guys was PALPABLE - and most shockingly of all, that love was RETURNED IN KIND by the men on the stage. It washed over me like a wave, even though I was clear in the back of the room.
I’m literally shaking as I write about it now, so extraordinary the experience and vivid the memory.
July 24, 2018 - I started on my journey to discover what it was about this show that caused this kind of devotion. By October 17th, 2018 - the day of the Season 14 season premiere - I had watched every episode of thirteen seasons, plus every season’s gag reel. And in that time I discovered the secret.
This was not a show about boys hunting monsters in a car. This was a show about LOVE, FAMILY… and the things the love for family can lead you to do - pain and sacrifice, for sure, but also knowing there will ALWAYS BE SOMEONE WHO HAS YOUR BACK.
When this finally dawned on me - the last of my Wall (see Pink Floyd) came crumbling down, and the FEELINGS began rushing in. And OH MY CHUCK, did it ever HURT. IT HURT SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.
But it also… FELT GREAT. I started feeling creative again… energetic. I actually participated in Nanowrimo again (even though I didn’t “win” - I write too damned slow). Because of the subject matter of my Nano story (a Dresden Files/Supernatural/Mists of Avalon crossover fic), I picked up a new hobby slash obsession - European Swordfighting. I dropped way too much money on a Supernatural convention and photo ops, happening in March - and changed my eating and workout habits in preparation. To date I have lost over 10 lbs and have no intention of stopping.
Not all of it has been great, though. I’ve discovered that, now, social interaction is a lot harder, and I can’t tolerate near as much as before. I can FEEL again, but the nerves are still SO RAW. This has led to me actually noticing my anxiety and depression. Waking up in the morning, I wonder why… why get up, why continue… what’s the point? And at night, when I go to bed… not loneliness, per se - more like missing the FEELING of being SPECIAL to someone and having someone who FEELS SPECIAL to me too. Someone to experience the rest of my life with me. A purpose besides working to pay the bills.
If you’ve made it this far and are alarmed - I’m not in any danger of ceasing to exist, at least by my own hand. I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here. For the past three years, I’ve existed and didn’t really give a thought to care about it… but now, I CARE, and IT HURTS, and IT’S HARD. But I’m also HOPEFUL - hopeful that things will work out, and I WILL figure it out.
Lastly, thank you… thank you for reading, listening, being there. Everyone who has been with me during this, and who may have noticed the changes both good and bad, THANK YOU for your patience and understanding. When I finally figure it out, we’ll have a great big ol’ party!