just emailed this to a bunch of people:
hi everyone,
don't expect this to be well-written or poetic in any sense of the word because i am a hysterical MESS right now (home in pennsylvania).
after waiting in a near-panic mode after being "let go" from my job at Nike, i found out today (after leaving a message last night) that i did not get the job at amnesty. why the media director called me privately to give me advice about my final interview and why she pretty much told me i had the job i'll never know. my guess is that the directors vetoed me because i don't have human rights or hard news experience. yeah. i pretty much lost my job at nike as a result of pursuing this one. i know! it's stupid, but i began to HATE that job and everything about PR. it's not something that could have been fixed. i had to leave work for interviews and took a couple of days off. i also lost interest in what i was doing completely and fully as a result of the excitement of this opportunity. as you may or may not know, i've struggled a lot since moving to new york. i've been pretty lonely at times...i've had to work very hard and have spent a lot of time with very little money and very little hope. i think i'm done.
i don't know what to do with my life and i feel like new york is home and i'm so lucky to have met so many remarkable people with so much to offer and so much to share in new york. but i think it's time for me to make some major changes and move on.
for those of you who don't already know, i've also really been suffering recently in the romance department. i've never been in love and thought i fell in love with someone who didn't reciprocate and i now am forced to see with his new girlfriend who's like 12 years old or something (i'm exaggerating). it's not easy. i feel like i've been pretty strong.
i feel like i've given everything a fair shot and have not had any luck at all. i feel utterly defeated. and perhaps the most tragic part is that while the world tells me "NO!!! you are doing everything WRONG!!!", i don't feel that way. i have a rather ridiculous amount of self-confidence. i know i'm a bit on the bizarre side, but..um..it ain't THAT bad! ha.
as you may or may not know, my parents have been incredibly supportive of everything i've ever set out to do in my life. financially and otherwise, i've been lucky. but we aren't a wealthy family by any means, and i have student loans to pay off. i've spent a lot of time unemployed in new york. at 23 or while interning or what have you, it was fine. manageable. it's not really okay with me anymore.
i'm not depressed. it's a bit ironic because i have been in the past, but i'm not right now. i think this time would be best spent away from people who can only remind me of my failures and..um..extreme lack of desirability apparently!!! hahaha, away from places that perhaps turn "lost souls" into black and hopeless ones.
i'm glad to be home now. (i also can't stand my living situation - that's another story!) i can reflect on my jagged and difficult climb to...well...nowhere.
please don't send me any motivational emails about how many talents i possess and how one day i'll meet a boy i like who won't think i'm an unaffectionate psychopath. haaaa.
because i don't believe anyone else has the answer right now. i don't need any advice. if there's one thing i've learned in my 24 years, i'ts not to take advice so seriously and to learn things on my own. i've learned that working through problems on my own is tough yet character-building.
i don't want to "find something else" either. i don't care if that's bratty. i'm sick of it. i don't want to go on another interview. i don't want to explain inconsistencies away until i'm blue in the face and then hate myself for sitting behind a screen all day in the end. i know everyone hates their jobs. but you know what i hate? i hate NOT traveling. i hate giving all my money to new york city (a city that lost it's integrity to advertising/PR-fueled commerical crap anyway). do i still love new york? yes. i still love the subway, the energy on the streets, the pizza, the free stuff...all of it. yes yes yes. i don't feel overwhelmed by it at all. this experience is different than the same ol' "i miss my hometown. i hate all the noise. byebye.".
but i just wanted you all to know that i am most likely leaving new york and leaving my pain and looking toward something in "a far off place"...perhaps a volunteer opportunity. is it running away? yeah, probably. will i regret it at some point? absolutely! i also regret pursuing Public Relations, falling in love with an emotionally-stunted fool and getting so completely WASTED every other night (on second thought, i love drinking. LOVE IT.).
actually, i do want to hear your responses. i just don't want to hear what i'm doing wrong...ever...again.
holly