im the cake, you only like the frosting.
As i woke up today, i had the most intense headache come on. like a migraine. a fucking migraine(sp?) with pms. im not even kidding. and now im feeeling shitty. not physically,. but mentally. i keep having discussions with myself about how worthless i am. you'd think talking to yourself would result in an automatic draw. but noo. the part of me that brings me down to where i feel like the most subtle comment will get me reeeling in tears. it's all the same. everyday. work. school. weed. sleep.i have this really strong urge to cut or burn parts of my body. in cassse ya dunnno. thats why my arms are all discoloured..cuts here. burns there. meh. i havent done it in sooo long but the urges return. I dont even like smoking cigerettes yet i find myself wanting one. wanting many things and achieving little is all i've ever done. goals are worthless if they can't be attained. but at the same time. you can't attain anything if you dont set a destination point. my destination is happiness and as of now, the only way to get there is weed.
I havent had a thing to get up for in about 2 months. maybe the last time i was happy was because i had a girlfriend, but even then i wasnt fully there.
relationships are really hard for me. im not mentally developed to handle them. i didnt have any to learn from. and from the ones ive had it's either me fucking a good one up or someone fucking with my head. why are those beautiful creatures know as woman so...complicated. yet at the same time. they really aren't. except for saying what they want and doing the complete opposite. jus to fuck with you. i swear. noo. you don't want a fucking sweeet guy that would do anything for yer happiness. yes. you say that, but you want the fucking frosting, not the cake. the frosting is what i like to call..the pointless shyt that won't any difference later in life. it's kind of having a good tasting frosting but not being able to eat it cuz you'll get fat, and die alone with 50 cats, eating catfood and knitting clothes for the baby you never had cuz you were a bitch. welll im the cake, the plain vanillla, or the plain chocolate(that i would be, cuz im black) that willl make you happy, but i taste bad. so who wants that. heh.
In the past couple weeks i've been trying to be very polite to people. I personally would love people to be nice to me, but when i do. it's like..people expect others to be mean. they look at me all weird as if i have a hidden agenda. well. only to make people's day's betters.. im jus tired of seeing people sad and i try to help and these people look at me as if IM THE WEIRD one. wtf is this. when i order something from a drive thru im really paranoid that they fucked with it. im all happy.. telling them "one moment please." and thanks and all that stuff and they dont even give me mild sauce when i ask twice for it. but seriously. how can people be so fucking mean to eachother. everyones just trying to chug along. you're not better than me. if anything. im better than you because i acknowledge yer existance and try to make you feel better bout it. im also smart cuz i try to see what things i can NOT get away with. to test people. everyone needs a hug. i need a hug. and im everyone cuz the world revolved around ME. MEMEMEMEMEME. but enough about you. more about me. i want a hug right now. or i'll seriously cry.
So once again, im in that position of being alone and empty. I want soo badly to just have a bestfriend. ya know, being able to enjoy eachother's company without even doing anything. thats what i want. I wanna feeel like someone cares. and that if something does happen, someone would be there to visit me at the hospital and sing to me and hug me and listen to my stupid jokes like this one "you knowww how they have eastsiiiyyyyde and westsiiiiyddde in america..well they got sheeeeeeeiyyyyte in iraq." yeah, nobody thinks that funny, but thats genius. genius i says. and all those other friend stuff. like getting drunk and talking about pointlesss shyt expressing how much you care about yer friend snd how awesome they are.(yeah, i seem to do that a lot) ARGGH. i just wanna feel the closeness i once had.
my heart may look like <3 but it feels like <#3
I havent had a thing to get up for in about 2 months. maybe the last time i was happy was because i had a girlfriend, but even then i wasnt fully there.
relationships are really hard for me. im not mentally developed to handle them. i didnt have any to learn from. and from the ones ive had it's either me fucking a good one up or someone fucking with my head. why are those beautiful creatures know as woman so...complicated. yet at the same time. they really aren't. except for saying what they want and doing the complete opposite. jus to fuck with you. i swear. noo. you don't want a fucking sweeet guy that would do anything for yer happiness. yes. you say that, but you want the fucking frosting, not the cake. the frosting is what i like to call..the pointless shyt that won't any difference later in life. it's kind of having a good tasting frosting but not being able to eat it cuz you'll get fat, and die alone with 50 cats, eating catfood and knitting clothes for the baby you never had cuz you were a bitch. welll im the cake, the plain vanillla, or the plain chocolate(that i would be, cuz im black) that willl make you happy, but i taste bad. so who wants that. heh.
In the past couple weeks i've been trying to be very polite to people. I personally would love people to be nice to me, but when i do. it's like..people expect others to be mean. they look at me all weird as if i have a hidden agenda. well. only to make people's day's betters.. im jus tired of seeing people sad and i try to help and these people look at me as if IM THE WEIRD one. wtf is this. when i order something from a drive thru im really paranoid that they fucked with it. im all happy.. telling them "one moment please." and thanks and all that stuff and they dont even give me mild sauce when i ask twice for it. but seriously. how can people be so fucking mean to eachother. everyones just trying to chug along. you're not better than me. if anything. im better than you because i acknowledge yer existance and try to make you feel better bout it. im also smart cuz i try to see what things i can NOT get away with. to test people. everyone needs a hug. i need a hug. and im everyone cuz the world revolved around ME. MEMEMEMEMEME. but enough about you. more about me. i want a hug right now. or i'll seriously cry.
So once again, im in that position of being alone and empty. I want soo badly to just have a bestfriend. ya know, being able to enjoy eachother's company without even doing anything. thats what i want. I wanna feeel like someone cares. and that if something does happen, someone would be there to visit me at the hospital and sing to me and hug me and listen to my stupid jokes like this one "you knowww how they have eastsiiiyyyyde and westsiiiiyddde in america..well they got sheeeeeeeiyyyyte in iraq." yeah, nobody thinks that funny, but thats genius. genius i says. and all those other friend stuff. like getting drunk and talking about pointlesss shyt expressing how much you care about yer friend snd how awesome they are.(yeah, i seem to do that a lot) ARGGH. i just wanna feel the closeness i once had.
my heart may look like <3 but it feels like <#3