(no subject)
I was hit with tunnel vision, of sorts. My problems seem more important to me than they really are. There is no self, the pain I feel will go away, and even if I accomplish nothing, the world will still turn. I realized this searching for a topic to write about in Oral Communications for tomorrow, which I still haven't selected. I just realized I know nothing about any social, political, or economic issues. I'm just sitting here in the dark, worrying about my own pathetic needs. I need to be strong enough to stand up and powerfully declare myself worthless, rather than sitting here and desperately trying to convince even myself.
Still, we've ignored the Middle East, right? Remember two years ago? Right before Sept 11? I think it was back then. There was a bomb scare in India/Pakistan, and Israel and Palestine were getting hot, with conferences trying to prevent wars and such. Then 9/11, then, Iraq, and we here absolutely nothing about The Middle East, about Sharon and Arafat, about anything. When did the news stop? Was it just me not paying attention? Shit's goin down, BTW. Hamas leaders were trying to hold a conference, and Isreal busted 'em down, 'cause they're terrorists, you know? Then Hamas was all like, "Mofos! We bombed your fucking busses, you know?" Then, the European Union was all like, "OMG, fuck you." You see, there's a military wing of Hamas, and a political wing that tries to influence shit, and they were kept in the EU because they thought it'd help international relations, and because of some other shit so as to perhaps work towards peace. But then, they were all like, "Bitches!" and excommunicated 'em, and froze their assets and shit. Bummer. But yeah, Hamas was all like, "FU! I bomb your house!" and started tearing shit up. And that's where we are. I mean, there's still news around the world, but I'm hearing nothing.
Also, people talk about ridding themselves of emotion, namely Ange and Sophia. The whole Mind vs. Heart debate. I want that. I want to rid myself of emotions, good and bad. Are they really necessary, if you end up with more bad than good? I think the only path to this is sheer ambivalence, right? You can't show emotion, you can't be happy, but it just depends on what scale you do this, you know? It'll be much easier to live with emotions than without, unfortunately, so you must know when to implement them. Either way, this is another point I'll randomly throw in, but lack of self-esteem is yet another cog in the machine of losign one's emotions. There's no point in self-esteem whatsoever other than to make yourself feel good, correct? You gain confidence in your ability or worth as an individual, and feel depressed when you find that your worth is less than par. Ridding yourself of self-esteem is ridding yourself both of the postive emotion of security and the negative feeling of failure. I'm basically throwing it out because more often than not, I'm dissapointed. :\
But actually, if you rid yourself of all emotion, what're are you hoping for in life? Aren't you just alive due to habituation? Like, most people are in the pursuit of happiness, but the more you rid yourself of emotion, the less happiness you possess. So, basically, unless you already have no confidence in your ability, there's no point in ridding yourself of your emotions, because in a way, you lose your reason to live, even if you don't lose your will. Either way, the point of my existence may not exist, but I'll just live on, for simply the point of being alive, for the sake of habituation.
It's a strange feeling, now that I think about it. Just imagine, will you be happy tomorrow? Will you wake up tomorrow, go through your day, and sleep with a smile? Do you imagine that this will happen a year from now? Two years? Ten years? If the answer to any of these is no, should you be worried? Well, I've got a few nos, and I'm worried. But not really. I'll just wake up and do everything I did before, and live on in relative obscurity. I feel like I'm being a depressing loser, but I also feel that I'm totally justified in this feeling, so I don't care.
I'm just tired. Tired of everything. A tiredness that seeps into my bones. I just want to wake up and shed my skin and turn into a different person. It'll never happen, so I suppose I'll just have to settle with finding some way to let off some steam. Is this how kids get addicted to drugs? Smyre?
Still, we've ignored the Middle East, right? Remember two years ago? Right before Sept 11? I think it was back then. There was a bomb scare in India/Pakistan, and Israel and Palestine were getting hot, with conferences trying to prevent wars and such. Then 9/11, then, Iraq, and we here absolutely nothing about The Middle East, about Sharon and Arafat, about anything. When did the news stop? Was it just me not paying attention? Shit's goin down, BTW. Hamas leaders were trying to hold a conference, and Isreal busted 'em down, 'cause they're terrorists, you know? Then Hamas was all like, "Mofos! We bombed your fucking busses, you know?" Then, the European Union was all like, "OMG, fuck you." You see, there's a military wing of Hamas, and a political wing that tries to influence shit, and they were kept in the EU because they thought it'd help international relations, and because of some other shit so as to perhaps work towards peace. But then, they were all like, "Bitches!" and excommunicated 'em, and froze their assets and shit. Bummer. But yeah, Hamas was all like, "FU! I bomb your house!" and started tearing shit up. And that's where we are. I mean, there's still news around the world, but I'm hearing nothing.
Also, people talk about ridding themselves of emotion, namely Ange and Sophia. The whole Mind vs. Heart debate. I want that. I want to rid myself of emotions, good and bad. Are they really necessary, if you end up with more bad than good? I think the only path to this is sheer ambivalence, right? You can't show emotion, you can't be happy, but it just depends on what scale you do this, you know? It'll be much easier to live with emotions than without, unfortunately, so you must know when to implement them. Either way, this is another point I'll randomly throw in, but lack of self-esteem is yet another cog in the machine of losign one's emotions. There's no point in self-esteem whatsoever other than to make yourself feel good, correct? You gain confidence in your ability or worth as an individual, and feel depressed when you find that your worth is less than par. Ridding yourself of self-esteem is ridding yourself both of the postive emotion of security and the negative feeling of failure. I'm basically throwing it out because more often than not, I'm dissapointed. :\
But actually, if you rid yourself of all emotion, what're are you hoping for in life? Aren't you just alive due to habituation? Like, most people are in the pursuit of happiness, but the more you rid yourself of emotion, the less happiness you possess. So, basically, unless you already have no confidence in your ability, there's no point in ridding yourself of your emotions, because in a way, you lose your reason to live, even if you don't lose your will. Either way, the point of my existence may not exist, but I'll just live on, for simply the point of being alive, for the sake of habituation.
It's a strange feeling, now that I think about it. Just imagine, will you be happy tomorrow? Will you wake up tomorrow, go through your day, and sleep with a smile? Do you imagine that this will happen a year from now? Two years? Ten years? If the answer to any of these is no, should you be worried? Well, I've got a few nos, and I'm worried. But not really. I'll just wake up and do everything I did before, and live on in relative obscurity. I feel like I'm being a depressing loser, but I also feel that I'm totally justified in this feeling, so I don't care.
I'm just tired. Tired of everything. A tiredness that seeps into my bones. I just want to wake up and shed my skin and turn into a different person. It'll never happen, so I suppose I'll just have to settle with finding some way to let off some steam. Is this how kids get addicted to drugs? Smyre?