(no subject)
This week feels oddly weird. I don't like the feeling of being lost as though I can't find my placing and footing in this world. Unfocused and tired, I feel the dread. This week I will focus and study and find my anchor in myself. I think Hwachong is unsettling to an extent, because its easy how moods change and emotions sway amidst of all. Everyone can come and pei wo during my long breaks or jio me to stardee.
Back to NY on Thursday and Friday, I think nanyang feels more homely. Probably the architecture and how you feel like you're belonging to the whole school and world whilst you are there. Hwachong feels more like you are only a small piece, negligent to most. Talked to some teachers, saw many juniors, I feel like I don't belong anymore and that all my memories there have been stored back in a bottle buried in the sand. I feel alot older despite it being only 2 months into the year of being 17. Hopefully I'll feel like that next year and 2 years down the road too. Need to find footing in hwachong.
Sometimes I wonder if its better to be so accustomed to pain that you don't actually process its presence anymore, or is it better to know the pain and constantly feel it. Back is killing me very badly everyday, I feel like I can't do this anymore. I try to tell myself to have much more tolerance, to have better threshold, that pain is not exclusive only to me but everyone feels it somewhat somehow. But somehow all these talk is not working this time round, I feel very tired very unfocused and very moodswingy because of the ache I feel. Very afraid, need to stay strong.
Am very tired right now, need to go to sleep. I pray that I'll get good sleep tonight :)
Back to NY on Thursday and Friday, I think nanyang feels more homely. Probably the architecture and how you feel like you're belonging to the whole school and world whilst you are there. Hwachong feels more like you are only a small piece, negligent to most. Talked to some teachers, saw many juniors, I feel like I don't belong anymore and that all my memories there have been stored back in a bottle buried in the sand. I feel alot older despite it being only 2 months into the year of being 17. Hopefully I'll feel like that next year and 2 years down the road too. Need to find footing in hwachong.
Sometimes I wonder if its better to be so accustomed to pain that you don't actually process its presence anymore, or is it better to know the pain and constantly feel it. Back is killing me very badly everyday, I feel like I can't do this anymore. I try to tell myself to have much more tolerance, to have better threshold, that pain is not exclusive only to me but everyone feels it somewhat somehow. But somehow all these talk is not working this time round, I feel very tired very unfocused and very moodswingy because of the ache I feel. Very afraid, need to stay strong.
Am very tired right now, need to go to sleep. I pray that I'll get good sleep tonight :)