The Preface of all PREFACES
:Disclaimer: I was taught that titles are the key to luring in the readers. Although bold and ambitious my title may be, you will be the judge of the following and whether or not it can live up to it's name. Truthfully, I can give a rat's ass. Keep in mind that these are my private thoughts, opinions and comments about the world surrounding me, which I've decided to share with anyone who cares to read. I encourage feedback, for I am a person that loves human interaction. Enjoy!:
My current state, if looked at a glance, has a mixture of outward smiles, joy, love, freedom and inward disillusionment, sorrow, boredom, and anxiety. This blended condition has me scrambled emotionally and physically. Only those who live with me can tell how my emotions are affecting my physical will of living life. The depression that has set in since early fall has peaked out every day ever since, making it harder for me to stay positive on my nights out. This depression is well-controlled with a slight of sloppiness.
Having left my job in September was the right move to make on a deeper level which I'm beginning to understand, but draining- the main seed of my depression. Though my insanity depended on my choice to withdraw from those corporate chains I've been attached to for 4 years, the consequences of not finding a job that I would value were great and damning to my well being. Filling out applications, following up on emails, speaking to spammers on craigslist, setting up interview appointments, and attending said interview appointments were the death of me. Yes, this long, arduous process of finding a god forsaken job I'd be proud of was slapping me across the face, leaving lasting imprints I could only feel but not see.
My mom, troubled by my misery, felt she had the task of lifting me up from the dark pitfall I resided within. Every day passing, my funds dwindled and my anxiety heightened. Aware of my situation, she "sana, sana, colita de rana(ed)" it with words of encouragement which I appreciated, but took with a grain of salt. She would assure me that by me making huge changes to my life, new, positive outcomes would arise. She's a huge believer in "The Secret," and anything that relates to the energy of the universe. I love that about her, amongst a million other things, but I digress. My mom chanted "change" as much as an Obama campaign, so you can imagine the constant pounding of this was quite overwhelming and in the end triumphant, like with Obama (coincidence?!)
It was Thanksgiving week and I was once again perusing through the Craigslist's section of (un)employment ads. As I'm about to close the window, my eye catches this nifty subject line (see my disclaimer on titles,) "Teach English Abroad," location: South Korea. "Click" went my mouse and I'm in. One step forward to my sanity and direction in life. I joked about moving there for a year to my mom, but had a tiny feeling this was the change I was searching for months. Although tiny, that feeling encouraged me to apply. A quick response from the recruiter opened my heart to accepting such a change. The more I spoke and thought about it, the more I believed it. My older brother, Jess, is responsible for why I fully committed to the idea. After informing him of my demise to take over S. Korea, I mean teaching English to lil' Koreans in Korea, his response although short and sweet, made me realize "why the fuck not?" Without hesitation he said something along the lines of, "damn, that's awesome. That's perfect for you right now." I don't think that anyone could've told me the exact same thing and I would feel the exact same way. Why? Because finally my older brother stepped up to the plate and assumed the role I hoped and dreamed he'd have when I was growing up. At that instant my inside frown turned upside down. My life had changed; my brother unaware of this change he caused. A change that brought on many, many mixed emotions I couldn't handle, so I disguised it with the mask of reassurance.
Back in Frisco the realization was setting in: I was leaving the bay. Fuck did that hurt. You know how people say that home is where the heart is, well though true to most, my heart will always belong to the SCO. I was made for that city. I was born and raised in LA and most of my good friends and family live there, but the universe led me to SF because I belong there. That being said, leaving that city is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. It vastly pains me not to be there that I still struggle with the depression I had hoped would be gone after deciding to move to S. Korea. I can honestly write pages of my love for the bay which would include my past experiences and encounters with amazing people I've met, some who I currently keep in contact with and some who I will know for the rest of my life, giving insight on why I'm strongly affected by the move, BUT that's for another time. Just know that the bay area(the SCO)is beyond words in my book/blog/journal.
Without any money and hopes of leaving to S. Korea at the end of December/Early January, my decision to leave SF the 3rd week of the month to LA was rational and logical. I could stay with my mom in her studio (rent-free), 1 minute from Georgie's apt., making going out with good friends to good locations, ideal. As the holidays approached in the sunny days of LA, my depression followed me as the shadow of my shadow. The celebrations have never been the same since my parents' divorce. The exhausting task of pleasing both parents on "special" days that contained the same amount of hours as other days (very few, I may add) was unattractive to my already negative emotional condition. It didn't help none that my dad's gf is SATAN. hah! She's another huge reason why my depression stays stagnant, but I'd rather not divulge. She's not worth any more space here. Not now.
Christmas, New Year's eve/day, and Birthdays came and went. Friends from LA, friends from the SCO and family lightened up that dark tunnel for weeks on end, yet no finite date for my departure to S. Korea. I wanted to be 100% in the moment during those important events, but knowing that stupid gov't documents were not yet completed to make it official that my new employer was on S. Korean soil, my anxiety grew.
This brings me to this very moment as I type. I have signed a contract for March 1st that ends February 28, 2011. I'm expected to leave on or around February 20, but I'm still waiting on that fucken criminal background clearance I was supposed to receive last week. The mere fact that I have not received it makes my throat feel clogged and my heart pound erratically. Why must this bureaucratic process hold my life down?! I've never been to jail or ever convicted of anything criminal in the eyes of the law according to the US constitution. Why then, is this review taking so fucken long. (As with everything I write, I do it as a form of releasing and venting, so as to not cause bodily harm to anyone arm's length around me :) Just a mini explanation of the explosion of exasperated exodus of thoughts through words, displayed above)
I've not added everything important in my life in the above-mentioned, not because there was no desire, but because this is merely a preface to my life. One that acts as a brief intro to what's to follow.
Cheers! Bon Santé! Salud!
My current state, if looked at a glance, has a mixture of outward smiles, joy, love, freedom and inward disillusionment, sorrow, boredom, and anxiety. This blended condition has me scrambled emotionally and physically. Only those who live with me can tell how my emotions are affecting my physical will of living life. The depression that has set in since early fall has peaked out every day ever since, making it harder for me to stay positive on my nights out. This depression is well-controlled with a slight of sloppiness.
Having left my job in September was the right move to make on a deeper level which I'm beginning to understand, but draining- the main seed of my depression. Though my insanity depended on my choice to withdraw from those corporate chains I've been attached to for 4 years, the consequences of not finding a job that I would value were great and damning to my well being. Filling out applications, following up on emails, speaking to spammers on craigslist, setting up interview appointments, and attending said interview appointments were the death of me. Yes, this long, arduous process of finding a god forsaken job I'd be proud of was slapping me across the face, leaving lasting imprints I could only feel but not see.
My mom, troubled by my misery, felt she had the task of lifting me up from the dark pitfall I resided within. Every day passing, my funds dwindled and my anxiety heightened. Aware of my situation, she "sana, sana, colita de rana(ed)" it with words of encouragement which I appreciated, but took with a grain of salt. She would assure me that by me making huge changes to my life, new, positive outcomes would arise. She's a huge believer in "The Secret," and anything that relates to the energy of the universe. I love that about her, amongst a million other things, but I digress. My mom chanted "change" as much as an Obama campaign, so you can imagine the constant pounding of this was quite overwhelming and in the end triumphant, like with Obama (coincidence?!)
It was Thanksgiving week and I was once again perusing through the Craigslist's section of (un)employment ads. As I'm about to close the window, my eye catches this nifty subject line (see my disclaimer on titles,) "Teach English Abroad," location: South Korea. "Click" went my mouse and I'm in. One step forward to my sanity and direction in life. I joked about moving there for a year to my mom, but had a tiny feeling this was the change I was searching for months. Although tiny, that feeling encouraged me to apply. A quick response from the recruiter opened my heart to accepting such a change. The more I spoke and thought about it, the more I believed it. My older brother, Jess, is responsible for why I fully committed to the idea. After informing him of my demise to take over S. Korea, I mean teaching English to lil' Koreans in Korea, his response although short and sweet, made me realize "why the fuck not?" Without hesitation he said something along the lines of, "damn, that's awesome. That's perfect for you right now." I don't think that anyone could've told me the exact same thing and I would feel the exact same way. Why? Because finally my older brother stepped up to the plate and assumed the role I hoped and dreamed he'd have when I was growing up. At that instant my inside frown turned upside down. My life had changed; my brother unaware of this change he caused. A change that brought on many, many mixed emotions I couldn't handle, so I disguised it with the mask of reassurance.
Back in Frisco the realization was setting in: I was leaving the bay. Fuck did that hurt. You know how people say that home is where the heart is, well though true to most, my heart will always belong to the SCO. I was made for that city. I was born and raised in LA and most of my good friends and family live there, but the universe led me to SF because I belong there. That being said, leaving that city is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. It vastly pains me not to be there that I still struggle with the depression I had hoped would be gone after deciding to move to S. Korea. I can honestly write pages of my love for the bay which would include my past experiences and encounters with amazing people I've met, some who I currently keep in contact with and some who I will know for the rest of my life, giving insight on why I'm strongly affected by the move, BUT that's for another time. Just know that the bay area(the SCO)is beyond words in my book/blog/journal.
Without any money and hopes of leaving to S. Korea at the end of December/Early January, my decision to leave SF the 3rd week of the month to LA was rational and logical. I could stay with my mom in her studio (rent-free), 1 minute from Georgie's apt., making going out with good friends to good locations, ideal. As the holidays approached in the sunny days of LA, my depression followed me as the shadow of my shadow. The celebrations have never been the same since my parents' divorce. The exhausting task of pleasing both parents on "special" days that contained the same amount of hours as other days (very few, I may add) was unattractive to my already negative emotional condition. It didn't help none that my dad's gf is SATAN. hah! She's another huge reason why my depression stays stagnant, but I'd rather not divulge. She's not worth any more space here. Not now.
Christmas, New Year's eve/day, and Birthdays came and went. Friends from LA, friends from the SCO and family lightened up that dark tunnel for weeks on end, yet no finite date for my departure to S. Korea. I wanted to be 100% in the moment during those important events, but knowing that stupid gov't documents were not yet completed to make it official that my new employer was on S. Korean soil, my anxiety grew.
This brings me to this very moment as I type. I have signed a contract for March 1st that ends February 28, 2011. I'm expected to leave on or around February 20, but I'm still waiting on that fucken criminal background clearance I was supposed to receive last week. The mere fact that I have not received it makes my throat feel clogged and my heart pound erratically. Why must this bureaucratic process hold my life down?! I've never been to jail or ever convicted of anything criminal in the eyes of the law according to the US constitution. Why then, is this review taking so fucken long. (As with everything I write, I do it as a form of releasing and venting, so as to not cause bodily harm to anyone arm's length around me :) Just a mini explanation of the explosion of exasperated exodus of thoughts through words, displayed above)
I've not added everything important in my life in the above-mentioned, not because there was no desire, but because this is merely a preface to my life. One that acts as a brief intro to what's to follow.
Cheers! Bon Santé! Salud!