This is a very very difficult situation, and I think you are handling it maturely and doing the best you can.
I would not give up on counseling though---a physical therapist with a sex therapist might help you explore options. Extra marital affairs are very serious steps---they need to be handled very delicately. You don't want to hurt your wife, and it sounds like she is giving this option because she feels hopeless and depressed, and maybe insecure. That isn't a good place to start exploring non-monogamy from.
Does your wife ever feel aroused at all? Is she able to enjoy non-penetrative sex? Many couples have wonderful sex lives without PIV sex; this might be an option for you to explore. It might be worth introducing erotic material into your lives; even if neither of you are ready to have sex with each other, perhaps you can focus on yourselves? I don't know how you both feel about masturebation, but doing it side by side can take the pressure off of her to "perform" for you and can also be very bonding.
I'm in the opposite situation, where my partner has a very low sex drive and I have a very high one. Physically he is fine, we're not sure if there's some emotional issue behind it or not. but while he's often not up for sex, he still wants to be close to me, so we work out a compromise: we lie in bed and he holds me/kisses me/talks to me while I masturebate. It's very loving and it does a lot to ease the sexual frustration I feel.
Finally, if you feel you really do want a friend, I strongly urge you to not do so before you and your wife feel like you can openly tell each other your feelings about it. Lying in a relationship is the most poisonous thing I can think of, even if your intentions are good, it's extremely painful and only poisons the relationship with time *in my experience*.
I would not give up on counseling though---a physical therapist with a sex therapist might help you explore options. Extra marital affairs are very serious steps---they need to be handled very delicately. You don't want to hurt your wife, and it sounds like she is giving this option because she feels hopeless and depressed, and maybe insecure. That isn't a good place to start exploring non-monogamy from.
Does your wife ever feel aroused at all? Is she able to enjoy non-penetrative sex? Many couples have wonderful sex lives without PIV sex; this might be an option for you to explore. It might be worth introducing erotic material into your lives; even if neither of you are ready to have sex with each other, perhaps you can focus on yourselves? I don't know how you both feel about masturebation, but doing it side by side can take the pressure off of her to "perform" for you and can also be very bonding.
I'm in the opposite situation, where my partner has a very low sex drive and I have a very high one. Physically he is fine, we're not sure if there's some emotional issue behind it or not. but while he's often not up for sex, he still wants to be close to me, so we work out a compromise: we lie in bed and he holds me/kisses me/talks to me while I masturebate. It's very loving and it does a lot to ease the sexual frustration I feel.
Finally, if you feel you really do want a friend, I strongly urge you to not do so before you and your wife feel like you can openly tell each other your feelings about it. Lying in a relationship is the most poisonous thing I can think of, even if your intentions are good, it's extremely painful and only poisons the relationship with time *in my experience*.
You have my utmost sympathies, you and your wife.
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