Sep 29, 2007 22:30
Recently started talking to a mate's ex again first time in ages, lots has happened both finished in serious relationships getting on well chatting a lot
But... always a but.... he has been thinking more than friendship has bought me some mood lights and soap rose petals for the bathroom :S, i must admit though has been taking care of me on my drunken nights, but i no longer feel i could be drunk around him. He is very encouragable, i bit his finger last night in my drunkeness, so he bit the top of my leg! Which i think is inappropriate, he went through my phone to get my friends number without permission, also told me i punched him in the balls, which i know he must have done something to annoy me for me to have done, last couple of times ive been out drinking with him, ive not rememebered all of the night, like big things not little convos or nethin, and i don't normally forget that, i do not trust him. He has been saying things like he wanted to kiss my cheek or cuddle up with me on the sofa, and it makes me feel ill to be honest.
I am very concerned about the not rememebering bit, i think in all honesty i need to be more alert and not drink as much. I know i'm free and single etc and i want to have fun but i really do think i shouldn't drink much if going out cos then i can keep a control on myself, and not have to rely on anyone.
Feel a bit strange atm not entirely sure what's going on really, don't feel like im in reality at all odd i know.
I miss the old days, the oast days, but everyone seems to have a completely different life and reactions to how they used to be. Everyone thinks i'm confident when I'm seriously not. It's a facade, pretty convincing by the looks.
101 thoughts going through my mind, keep arriving at same conclusions tho. Want to change them tho.
Matt's being irrational in my eyes, asking if I'm gettin back with him! He doesn't love me doesn't really want to be with me it's a control thing. He told me his female boss was going roiund his to see his fish tanks on his day off, but instead he took her to his dads to see a fish tank he bought, you don't take a woman to your dads unless you want to introduce her, i'm not that bothered but a bit contradictary. He only wants me back cos he realises what he had and noone else would put up with it for as long.
Cute senior (supervisor) guy from work done my call monitoring today v friendly blokie, got me off the phone for 30/40 mins playing quizzes online lmao pity he's attached!
I miss the feeling of being with someone feel a bit lost and reckless i mean when am i normally out of a relationship, miss the familiarity of bein able to hug and kiss same person and get used to their smell and habits not have to worry can always go to same person for support affection where i've been held down and restricted for so long it's a bit overwhelming to think i'm free to not have to consider matt and whether what i do goes against him very odd.
I'm even worried to say half of what i want to on here cos i know from time to time matt will read it i shouldn't really worry but i am my head is a bit confuddlin atm.
I feel like i'm living in the moment, and in limbo a bit, just very odd feeling, feel out of place, but living with parents is cool they are being lovely :) chat later lovelies x