(no subject)
i knew everything was too good for too long. and yet still things are good its just my mind thats changed. school is not where i want to be right now, i am not doing well in it nor do i care that im not doing well. i love arcata and i love the people but i just dont want to be here right now. or, more likely i want to be here i just dont want to be doing what i am doing. waking up to go to classes most of which i am only going to in order to avoid failing which still may not be avoidable in some classes.
i am just not here right now, but somewhere else. sometimes the beatles make my cry. go listen to mother natures son. with a bottle of wine being sung to you by andrew your nextstore neighbor who has such a beautiful mind and is always there in the middle of the redwoods while the sun is setting on a beautiful friday and you know you have two days in which to enjoy life in all of its nothingness and then most likely you, too, will cry. then go study taoism and learn about the uncarved block, read the story about the stonecutter who wished to be more and listen to dangling conversations by simon and garfunkel while trying to avoid the jazz class that you are so behind in because your mind and soul has not been in it and of course you cannot play jazz if your soul is not in it. and you want to smoke a bowl but you dont have one and realize that nothings gonna change your world unless you change it for yourself. you should then go climb a redwood because that puts things in perspectives, climb until you tremble out of fear of being so high and you cling on for your life while you blow in the breeze but all the while you are aware that this tree is older than anything you've ever known and there is no way it is going to choose today while you are within in to crumble to the ground. after you finish dangling conversation you should listen to america and realize it has beautiful lyrics but youve just been in america for far too long.
thats why i am buying a ticket from san fransisco to hong kong. round trip. I want to see china and thailand and india india india and go to japan and ride a bus across the gobi dessert and i am going to just write and write and victor is going to play guitar by my side like he always does and take pictures of all the sights we experiance and everything will be okay.
but then the summer will end and ii will back here and then what do i do? I can make it through one more semester, but i just know that after having such an amazing summer going back to classes and this city where i have been for two years will just be too much and although i would only have to make it through one semester in order to have time to sign up for an abroad program I can already feel that it is to much. but anyways what am i saying i dont long to leave here that badly. I couldnt imagine being away from meagan for more than a few months and abbeys smiling face and what will I do about victor? I guess you take things as they come and these people are in my life right now that doesnt mean they are meant to be there forever. I keep reflecting on so many things though throughout my life, not only my life in humboldt and I am realizing who i am.
I am rebecca mae kaas lent who sometimes is called echo for those who wish and I love the winter even though all these californians i life with complain about it constantly. I enjoy being vegan it makes me feel healthy but it will not be that way my whole life. I have two parents who have raised my strong and smart and healthy even though they are not and I wonder everyday how much more time i will have with them. I love people I love getting to know them but sometimes they are too harmful and I need to escape from them. I dont like people who only think about themselves (who does?) but I also dont like people who only think about other humans. I like people who see a bigger picture of the world and all that surrounds it and that is who i choose to surround myself with. I love music it touches my soul and it make me feel something that regular words could never make me feel. I enjoy living in this small town that I live in and knowing practically everybody by name, even the homeless. I enjoy literature and poetry and have been buying too many books lately. Sometimes my mind gets too absorbed in things and it overtakes my life. I smoke pot and thats okay. I get drunk and thats okay. I love the redwood forest with all my heart and I love the ocean. The way the waves feel on my body floating without thought is orgasmic. I am in love with a boy and I cant believe that and it baffles me that he loves me back and weve been together a year now and still we laugh and run and skip across streets holding hands and thats just so funny. and he isnt going anywhere and thats great.
but maybe I am.
I cant figure out why I still write in this thing..yet I always come back to it.
I miss my dog.
thanksgiving is good and will be refreshing come see me I may not be back for a while.
things will improve. i just need to take a deep breath like every morning realize that grades are bullshit and that i only wake up everymorning because i enjoy learning as i wrap a scarf around my neck and plunge into the coldness of the humboldt county mist and smell the humboldt county greens from the neighboring apartments and see 8 people i know just on the walk to campus and even more once i get there and i just need to make it 5 more weeks until the end of the semester just breathing and loving and having a good time with the faces that surround me and the music in my life and know that everything will be okay.
and for now red wine. a bowl. a song from andrew a kiss from meagan. some avacado because its good. some editing of a midterm paper. perhaps i will paint a water color. a still life. i will help dave with his photo project. I will count the days until ruby realizes what she is doing. until nick realizes he loves andi. until the rain stops. until the next good music comes to humboldt county. and I will be held the whole night through by a warm body that i am so used to and will smile all the while.
as simon and g-funk sing me to sleep.
its a still life water color of a now late afternoon as the sun shines through the curtain lace and shadows wash the room and we sit and drink our coffee couched in our indifference like shells upon a shore you can hear the ocean roar in the dangling ocnversation and the superficial sighs the borders of our lives
i am just not here right now, but somewhere else. sometimes the beatles make my cry. go listen to mother natures son. with a bottle of wine being sung to you by andrew your nextstore neighbor who has such a beautiful mind and is always there in the middle of the redwoods while the sun is setting on a beautiful friday and you know you have two days in which to enjoy life in all of its nothingness and then most likely you, too, will cry. then go study taoism and learn about the uncarved block, read the story about the stonecutter who wished to be more and listen to dangling conversations by simon and garfunkel while trying to avoid the jazz class that you are so behind in because your mind and soul has not been in it and of course you cannot play jazz if your soul is not in it. and you want to smoke a bowl but you dont have one and realize that nothings gonna change your world unless you change it for yourself. you should then go climb a redwood because that puts things in perspectives, climb until you tremble out of fear of being so high and you cling on for your life while you blow in the breeze but all the while you are aware that this tree is older than anything you've ever known and there is no way it is going to choose today while you are within in to crumble to the ground. after you finish dangling conversation you should listen to america and realize it has beautiful lyrics but youve just been in america for far too long.
thats why i am buying a ticket from san fransisco to hong kong. round trip. I want to see china and thailand and india india india and go to japan and ride a bus across the gobi dessert and i am going to just write and write and victor is going to play guitar by my side like he always does and take pictures of all the sights we experiance and everything will be okay.
but then the summer will end and ii will back here and then what do i do? I can make it through one more semester, but i just know that after having such an amazing summer going back to classes and this city where i have been for two years will just be too much and although i would only have to make it through one semester in order to have time to sign up for an abroad program I can already feel that it is to much. but anyways what am i saying i dont long to leave here that badly. I couldnt imagine being away from meagan for more than a few months and abbeys smiling face and what will I do about victor? I guess you take things as they come and these people are in my life right now that doesnt mean they are meant to be there forever. I keep reflecting on so many things though throughout my life, not only my life in humboldt and I am realizing who i am.
I am rebecca mae kaas lent who sometimes is called echo for those who wish and I love the winter even though all these californians i life with complain about it constantly. I enjoy being vegan it makes me feel healthy but it will not be that way my whole life. I have two parents who have raised my strong and smart and healthy even though they are not and I wonder everyday how much more time i will have with them. I love people I love getting to know them but sometimes they are too harmful and I need to escape from them. I dont like people who only think about themselves (who does?) but I also dont like people who only think about other humans. I like people who see a bigger picture of the world and all that surrounds it and that is who i choose to surround myself with. I love music it touches my soul and it make me feel something that regular words could never make me feel. I enjoy living in this small town that I live in and knowing practically everybody by name, even the homeless. I enjoy literature and poetry and have been buying too many books lately. Sometimes my mind gets too absorbed in things and it overtakes my life. I smoke pot and thats okay. I get drunk and thats okay. I love the redwood forest with all my heart and I love the ocean. The way the waves feel on my body floating without thought is orgasmic. I am in love with a boy and I cant believe that and it baffles me that he loves me back and weve been together a year now and still we laugh and run and skip across streets holding hands and thats just so funny. and he isnt going anywhere and thats great.
but maybe I am.
I cant figure out why I still write in this thing..yet I always come back to it.
I miss my dog.
thanksgiving is good and will be refreshing come see me I may not be back for a while.
things will improve. i just need to take a deep breath like every morning realize that grades are bullshit and that i only wake up everymorning because i enjoy learning as i wrap a scarf around my neck and plunge into the coldness of the humboldt county mist and smell the humboldt county greens from the neighboring apartments and see 8 people i know just on the walk to campus and even more once i get there and i just need to make it 5 more weeks until the end of the semester just breathing and loving and having a good time with the faces that surround me and the music in my life and know that everything will be okay.
and for now red wine. a bowl. a song from andrew a kiss from meagan. some avacado because its good. some editing of a midterm paper. perhaps i will paint a water color. a still life. i will help dave with his photo project. I will count the days until ruby realizes what she is doing. until nick realizes he loves andi. until the rain stops. until the next good music comes to humboldt county. and I will be held the whole night through by a warm body that i am so used to and will smile all the while.
as simon and g-funk sing me to sleep.
its a still life water color of a now late afternoon as the sun shines through the curtain lace and shadows wash the room and we sit and drink our coffee couched in our indifference like shells upon a shore you can hear the ocean roar in the dangling ocnversation and the superficial sighs the borders of our lives