Wait what?
I'm so tired right now I can't even keep my eyes open but I needed to type type type about my day....even if I was half asleep for most of it. hehe
I find my mind thinking more and more about a specific someone these days, yet I'm not sure how to deal with it. I mean even though my heart hadn't been in it for a while with my relationship with William I still need healing time. Yet how do I get that much needed healing time without getting the hell out? I mean, besides staying out all night until he falls asleep. Thank god he's asleep now and I didn't have to deal with him when I got home. I need a better plan than this! lol....
I'm terrified of my feelings right now. I opened myself up and now?... yeah, just a little wee bit vulnerable. Thought's are constantly going through my head. What if he doesn't even like me? What if I'm not good enough? What if he gets to know me and all my flipping insecurities and then decides that I really am crazy. What if I'm just more of a friend to him?(gahh! Jenn knows something damn it!) I mean, I know people all have their own problems, but what if mine are the kind that he can't deal with? I already feel like he's too good for me.
Meh! I'm so scared right now.... and what's worse is that I want nothing more than to just have him hold me in his arms and keep me safe... yet that's what's scaring me. I tell you what I'm a nut job, sheesh! Why is it that I'm so terrified of intimacy? I love hugs. I can do hugs. Cuddling? Hell yeah! Anything past that? Wait what?! No not that.... Even though it's been non stop on my mind lately. But if I wasn't ready for it I couldn't handle it. I don't get it... I want to be near him and love it when we hug or touch, yet while liking that at the same time it's what's making all the alarms go off in my head.
I don't know.
I'm so tired right now I'm falling asleep in the middle of my thoughts.
Goodnight I'll post more tomorrow!
I find my mind thinking more and more about a specific someone these days, yet I'm not sure how to deal with it. I mean even though my heart hadn't been in it for a while with my relationship with William I still need healing time. Yet how do I get that much needed healing time without getting the hell out? I mean, besides staying out all night until he falls asleep. Thank god he's asleep now and I didn't have to deal with him when I got home. I need a better plan than this! lol....
I'm terrified of my feelings right now. I opened myself up and now?... yeah, just a little wee bit vulnerable. Thought's are constantly going through my head. What if he doesn't even like me? What if I'm not good enough? What if he gets to know me and all my flipping insecurities and then decides that I really am crazy. What if I'm just more of a friend to him?(gahh! Jenn knows something damn it!) I mean, I know people all have their own problems, but what if mine are the kind that he can't deal with? I already feel like he's too good for me.
Meh! I'm so scared right now.... and what's worse is that I want nothing more than to just have him hold me in his arms and keep me safe... yet that's what's scaring me. I tell you what I'm a nut job, sheesh! Why is it that I'm so terrified of intimacy? I love hugs. I can do hugs. Cuddling? Hell yeah! Anything past that? Wait what?! No not that.... Even though it's been non stop on my mind lately. But if I wasn't ready for it I couldn't handle it. I don't get it... I want to be near him and love it when we hug or touch, yet while liking that at the same time it's what's making all the alarms go off in my head.
I don't know.
I'm so tired right now I'm falling asleep in the middle of my thoughts.
Goodnight I'll post more tomorrow!