The Christmas Invasion (nine redux)
An AU story, because the Christmas Invasion annoyed me. Most of S2 annoyed me, in fact, but TCI in particular just would have been better with Eccleston. So I decided to see if I could do better. This begins during the Parting of the Ways, when the Doctor is kissing Rose. Please assume all outside events occur precisely as they did on-screen.
The Doctor stood, holding his beloved in his arms. He then exhaled the Time Vortex on one long breath, and smiled. He called, before he'd thought "Jack? Come on, if you're coming!" and carried Rose into the TARDIS. He'd meant to carry her to the medical bay, but placed her down gently on the grating instead when he felt the first spasm of weakness. Pre-regenerative amnesia, or instinct, led him to the door to call "Jack?". He was therefore less startled than he should have been to see the man sprinting towards him and into the TARDIS.
Jack dashed through the door, then stopped dead when he saw Rose lying unconscious on the floor. "Doctor? What happened?" he asked.
"Jack. So glad you could make it. Hit the fast return switch, there's a good lad."
"What? What's wrong, I don't understand."
"I'm only dying, it's nothing to worry about, but I'm in quite a bit of pain right now, and I don't trust myself at the controls so will you please do as I asked?"
Jack did, flicking the switches almost without noticing. "Doctor, if you're dying, shouldn't you be in the med-bay?"
"Good idea. Bring Rose, would you?" But before Jack could get to her, she had woken and was sitting up.
"Jack? Doctor? What happened? Oh, my head."
"Come on Rosie, we need to get you to medical. Doctor's orders, you know." Jack replied, helping her up. "I'd tell you what's going on, but I don't know myself. His Lordhip's not at all well, so I haven't pushed him for an explanation."
The three of them found the medical bay conveniently located on the first right turn out of the console room, and Jack helped Rose onto a bed. "Lie there sweetheart, just until you're feeling a bit better, hey?" Jack said, and Rose was feeling too confused and disoriented to argue. "Doctor?" he added, going to the Time Lord's side. "You said you're dying, how's about I try to fix some of that? I at least know where the aspirin isn't stored."
"All right." he grudgingly agreed, grimacing at the joke. "Not sure there's much you can do to help, though." lying down, the Doctor crossed his arms over his chest. "I'll try a healing coma. Might work, might not. There should be some neuro-repair tech lying about, too. It'll have a Time Lord setting, but be careful. If I have to regenerate, I don't want you too close. I'm not very good at it, and the circumstances are far from ideal." he then shut his eyes, and by all appearances went to sleep.
Rose watched, dazed, as Jack dashed about the room trying to find something and muttering incomprehensibly to himself. "What're you looking for?" she asked.
"A neuro-repair unit." he answered, distractedly.
"What's it look like?"
"A really fancy spanner, more than anything else. One of those nice, metal ones you see in museums."
"What? Jack, that's just a spanner. And it's hanging from the cupboard right above your head."
He looked up. "Thanks, Rose. You're a lifesaver!" He started muttering again, then ran over to the Doctor's bedside and held the open end of the 'spanner' over his forehead. It emitted a warm, yellow glow which enveloped his face, then after a while it stopped. The sleeping features of the face beneath him seemed to relax, and Jack let out a breath of relief. Then, he reset the unit for humans and used it on Rose. It took some time, and since he knew what he was looking for this time, Jack explained to Rose that while he didn't know what she'd done to get herself into such a state, she would have been very over-emotional, prone to mood swings and have had impaired reasoning skills while her brain repaired itself. He then told her to press the button set just below the working end of the unit while holding it so that his hairline was in the gap at the top.
"After all, I was dead not half an hour ago. Who knows what kind of damage that could do?"
In fact, he was just fine, after a diagnostic cycle the neuro-repair unit shut off. He and Rose then straightened out the room, and went to open the door to whoever was attempting to beat it down. Which turned out to be Jackie and Mickey.
"Rose? Rose! Oh, thank God you're okay, sweetheart." Jackie led Rose out, talking all the while. "I was so worried! ..."
"So. Jumping Jack flash. Where's the Doctor?" Mickey asked.
"In the med-bay, receuperating."
"From what? Is he all right?"
"I don't know. On both counts. Look, if you want to talk can we go inside? I don't want to leave him."
"Yeah, all right. What happened out there?"
"I could ask you the same thing. Last I knew, fast-return switch should have taken us to fourteenth-century Kyoto, not here."
"Well, the last I saw of the TARDIS was four months ago, back in August. Rose came out, complaining because the Doctor had sent her away, and how it wasn't right. Then she got the idea that she could open up the console, fly the TARDIS. Jackie and I told her she was crazy, but she wouldn't listen so we helped her do it. Next thing I know, the doors shut by themselves and it vanished. Then it turned up here."
"Thanks. That explains a lot, actually. I think."
"Great. So what happened back there in the year whatever-it-was?"
"Daleks. Insane, murderous pepperpots." he added, at Mickey's blank look. "They'd somehow managed to build a fleet out in the wilds of the solar system, and we had to stop them. I was holding them off, the Doctor said he'd sent Rose home - but you knew that - and he was building a weapon to stop them. Then they shot me, and the next thing I know I'm taking in this giant breath, and I'm hearing the Doctor shouting for me. I ran to the TARDIS, hit the fast-return switch, came in here and patched everyone up as best I could, then I went to let you two in. Hello, here comes trouble."
"Right. I said so, Rose. He cannot possibly be comfortable sleeping in that. You two, change him into this." Jackie announced icongruously, dropping a bundle of pyjamas into Jack's arms. "Rose, where can I find a blanket on this blinking ship?"
"There's one in the drawer." Jack answered.
"Right, well you can cover him in that too. Us girls'll be waiting outside, knock when you're done." she herded Rose through the door, shut it and leaned against the wall.
Five minutes later, a knock came. "Great. Now, you and Rose look like you could use a rest. Go and do some shopping, it's nearly Christmas. I'll sit with this lump. You go on as well, Micks." Jackie said in a motherly fashion, herding the trio out of the door.
*****
In the marketplace Mickey took them to, Jack had them both laughing at some crazy, semi-fictionalised episode of his life, when he abruptly pulled them into an alley. "Don't look, but those men in red suits are following us." he said quietly.
"Red suits?" Mickey asked, confused.
"He means the Santas. Thought Iwas being paranoid." Rose said.
"How can you not recognise Santa?" Mickey asked.
"They don't have Christmas where I come fro- duck!" Jack cried, as the market began to explode around them.
"No, run!" Rose countered. This seemed like a sensible suggestion, so they did. They finally stopped, out of breath, leaning against the TARDIS. "Was that tree there earlier?"
"No. And it looks too nice to have been thrown out, and why would anyone put a Christmas tree there?"
"You guys put trees in the trash?! God, that explains so many of the environmental problems you guys get."
"Not really, and they're mostly artificial trees, but can we focus?"
"Sure. Particularly since your mosly artificial tree is coming towards us."
Rose started to protest, then stopped. The three turned, and in an admirably synchronised maneuver, they dashed into the TARDIS. Rose shut the door, Mickey put his head in his hands and Jack dashed to the med-bay. "Doctor? I know this is gonna be bad for you, but can you please wake up? There's a mostly artificial tree trying to get into the TARDIS."
The Doctor opened his eyes. He sat up and reached for his jacket pocket, hitting cloth. "Screwdriver?" he demanded.
"Right here."
"What sort of mostly artificial tree?"
"Rose called it a Christmas tree, whatever that is."
"What would a...? Never mind. Come on." he strode from the room, with Jackie following. "Rose, open the doors would you? Ta." He looked out, checked the setting and zapped the tree, which promptly exploded. "Everyone okay? Rose, Mickey?"
"Yeah."
"I'm fine, Doctor."
"Good. Jack, you shouldn't have woken me up. I think I'm out of the woods as far as regeneration is concerned, but my neural pathways still haven't stabilised. I'm still - what's this?" he pulled an apple from his pajama pocket.
"That's Howard's. He gets hungry." Jackie answered.
"He gets hungry in his sleep?" the Doctor exclaimed.
"Sometimes." she responded defensively.
"Now, Rose. Jack." he staggered, and she was beside him, easing him to the ground. "I need to tell you this." they could have been the only people in the room. "Those were just pilot fish. Something's coming." He passed out.
"What're pilot fish?" Rose asked.
"How should I know? Jack, catch his legs would you?" Jackie puffed, lifting the Doctor's shoulders.
"They're these tiny fish with lights on 'em, I think." Jack answered. "Swim around with the big boys, sharks and all that. I think what the Doctor meant is that if we're seeing pilot fish, the sharks aren't far behind."
Mickey had been fiddling with the monitor on the console, Rose having told him earlier that it could receive television signals. "Hey, I've found the news! Come and have a look at this!" he called. There was some footage of Harriet Jones, talking about the importance of British extraterrestrial efforts, and Rose said
"That's Harriet Jones!"
"Yeah, she's prime minister now. Didn't you know?" Jackie replied. Jack looked a bit awestruck, and the trio returned their attention to the screen. The headline now read Live footage from the Guinevere One. The screen showed a newsreader, who was explaining that the mars probe had just re-established contact. The screen then cut to some snow, and then to feirce-looking bone faces with glowing red eyes. One of them was speaking. It was gibberish. Rose looked at Jack.
"Don't look at me, sweetheart. I can just about recognise that it's a language that'll get subsumed into Galactic Standard in a thousand years; that doesn't mean I can translate."
"But the TARDIS translates for us. Everywhere. All the time."
"Well apparently not."
"Thanks, Rickey, we'd noticed that. You mean you didn't realise?" he asked Rose.
"Well, why would I? No reason to until now. How did you know?"
"I come from the fifty-first century. Do you really think my native language is your contemporary English? Ever since I came aboard the TARDIS, I've been hearing you both speak Boeshane - my language. When the Doctor dropped into his 'healing coma', you stopped. He must be part of the translation software."
"Must be. Sorry, Jack, I never thought. You were speaking English perfectly in 1945, or you'd never have fit in, so I just sort of assumed..."
"'S all right." he gave her a one-armed hug. She switched the monitor off with a decisive click.
"Mum. If there're aliens out there, and Jack hasn't told us anything," She looked at him, he shook his haid as if to say I don't even recognise them, "I think it's fair to assume that this isn't official first contact and they aren't friendly, so we need provisions. Mum, you should get some food, please. Mickey, help her. I'll chech on the Doctor, and Jack, if you'd keep an eye on the news channels?"
Jackie and Mickey nodded, and Jack gave a crisp "Yes, ma'am!"
*****
Rose stopped stroking the Doctor's hair (well, his head, she amended mentally) to pour a cup of tea from her mum's thermos when there was a terrific jolt, and then a loud yell from the console room. She jumped up, spilling the tea, and ran out. Jackie, Mickey and Jack were being held by the aliens from the news footage, she saw as she crashed into Harriet Jones and was enveloped in a hug.
"Oh, thank God. Is the Doctor here?" she asked.
"He's ill. Flat on his back in the TARDIS." Rose answered, indicating the box behind her.
"Oh, dear."
Rose smiled wryly. One of the aliens had removed his mask at some point, and was now speaking. "What's he saying now, d'you know?"
The man standing behind Harriet holding some sort of computer said "He says that we were hiding...superior technology. He says that the owner of the ... clever blue box will speak for humanity."
"Well," said Jack, stepping forward, "I guess that's me." He shot a look at Rose, daring her to contradict him. "You're breaking at least fifteen galactic laws, you know. Maybe more, I'm not sure how strict the Shadow Proclamation is in this time period. Now, I'm not the local enforcer, but I know him pretty well. I'll not tell him what you've done if you leave peacefully."
The sycorax just laughed. "One third will die, or one half will be sold." He said, echoed by the man with the translator. "It's your choice." he added, in English.
"Wait a minute!" Rose said, in great excitement. "You're speaking English!"
"I would never sully my tongue with your filthy speech! I speak only Syoraxian." The Sycorax leader protested.
"But I'm hearing Boeshane." Jack grinned. "And if I'm hearing Boeshane, that means..."
They all turned to look at the TARDIS doors, which opened to reveal the Doctor, in all his pyjama-clad glory. "Did you miss me?" He turned to the Sycorax, looked around. Then he ran out, shutting the doors bahind him, and stopped at the console with a glowing red dome.
"Now, what's this?" He knelt. "Looks like blood." He dipped a finger in it, then sniffed the finger delicately. "Yep, definitely. Human blood, A positive, with just a dash of iron. Which means...blood control! Oh, that's just... I haven't seen blood contol for centuries! Ah! Now, blood control, you're holding this lot to ransom. Harriet Jones, hello there. All the A postives back home doing something alarming, are they?" She nodded. "Well, the thing about blood control is that it only goes so far. Like hypnotism, you can't hypnotise somebody to death, the survival instinct's too strong, and that means that you're holding the Earth to ransom on a bluff. Now that's dangerous. Cos you see, I'm gonna have to call that bluff." He pressed the dome of the console, and on the planet below, two billion people started to step forwards, blinked and came to themselves.
"Right!" The Doctor continued. "Now that that's dealt with, you lot." He looked around, thinking, then abruptly drew a sword from the nearest Sycorax's sheath. "I stand as this planet's champion. By the ancient rites of combat, I challenge you."
There was a bloodthirsty gleam in the other's eye. "For the planet?"
"For the planet."
The swordfight was brilliant, Rose thought. The Doctor was showing an uncommon level of skill, though he looked as if he'd have been more comfortable with something lighter like a rapier, and this led to one sticky moment, when the Sycorax leader pinned him and cut his hand off. "Ah," he'd said. "You think you've won. But I'm luckier than that, you know. I very nearly triggered a regeneration earlier, and that means I have just enough cellular energy to do..." he held up his stump, which wasn't bleeding, "This!" She watched, rapt, as a palm gerw up, then fingers and finally, he flexed the hand and used it to catch the sword she threw him.
"Witchcraft!" the Sycorax snarled.
"Time Lord." was the Doctor's response. He renewed his attack, and in short order he'd had the other alien pinned beneath him at the edge of the ship. "Do you yeild?" he'd asked.
"I do." he grudged.
The Doctor stood. "You all saw!" he called out. "Now, leave this planet and its people in peace!" He'd then turned to Rose, Jack and the others. "Your Howard sure does like his snacks." he said to Jackie, pulling a satsuma from his pocket. "Now doesn't that just sum up Christmas? You get to the end of everything, and there's always one silly little satsuma." He then threw it, hard, at the button in front of him, disintegrating the hull beneath the attacking Sycorax behind him. "I know every art and artifice, and that includes treachery. Be warned." He then strode into the ship, and looked at the others. "Go out, into the stars. Tell them of the Earth, if you must. Tell them of the people, and the riches. But do not neglect to tell them this. It. Is. Defended."
In a flash of blue light, they were at ground level once again. "Harriet Jones." the Doctor said affectionately. "You won the election, then?"
"Landslide majority." she answered, proudly.
"Fantastic! And you two!" he added, turning to Jack and Rose. "You two were brilliant! I heard that little speech you gave, Jack, and Rose? Thanks for the sword." He hugged them both.
Harriet had drawn away, talking to the man who'd been with her on the ship. "Torchwood, ma'am. They say it's ready."
"Good." She said. "I saw the specs on that gun. Tell them to fire, but just to clip the nose of the alien ship. Show them what we're capable of. Oh, and tell them that if the ship is destroyed, their budget is zero for the next five years. And that includes their ... extracurricular funding."
He turned away, speaking into his earpiece. There was a slight tremor, and a thick green beam lanced out and knocked off the foremost inch of the retreating ship.
"What was that?" Rose asked.
"That, my dear, was a demonstration of what we're capable of. The Doctor isn't always here, we saw that today, and it pays for enemy aliens to know that we can fight our own battles, if we have to."
The Doctor nodded. "Nice strategy. And thanks for not destroying it."
"I've already ordered the murder of one group of aliens, Doctor. I have no wish to do so again."
The Doctor nodded again. "Well put. Well, from the look on Jackie Tyler's face, I shall have to attend Christmas dinner. You'll enjoy it, Jack. Be educational. And your lift is here." A black car had pulled in from a side-street. So farewell, Harriet Jones. Long may you preside over the affairs of this nation. Or something like that. Merry Christmas!" He waited until she'd sat down in the car, then waved and, along with his chattering friends, walked off to the TARDIS.
There. Isn't that better? I'm happier, anyway. If people like, I could maybe redo the rest of season two this way, then seasons three and four. So far as the AU is concerned, my (very vague) plot structure is as follows: Jack learns he's immortal from the Doctor, and figues out that he's got to work within Torchwood like he did in canon some time before Doomsday; Rose still gets lost, but that stupid little speech is rather different cos the Doctor realises she set this up and she did it for a reason so she'll get back; Martha does not love the Doctor at all, he's emphatically not her type (and he doesn't kiss her), and HN/FOB is radically different; Donna does fancy the Doctor since he is her type, but gets over it fast because she knows he's in love with Rose and he'll see her again. Also, Journey's End will be rather happier. Yes? No? Recoiling in horror? Please let me know!