Liberation of a Bugatti Veyron
Written for
bubbles_san's challenge to write Clarkson's attempts to "get into Simon's Veyron".
In case you hadn't guessed, they aren't mine.
Liberation of a Bugatti Veyron, or Five Times Jeremy Clarkson didn't get to drive Simon Cowell's car and one he did.
1) The first attempt was laughable, really. Why he'd thought he could break into Simon Cowell's garage with a hammer without being noticed was one of the mysteries of mankind. After he'd posted bail, Jeremy thought 'Back to the drawing board'.
2) The second attempt was only marginally better. This time, he (ahem) borrowed Watchdog's tame car thief (the man could pick locks, too) and attempted to break into Simon Cowell's garage without being noticed. This time, he had to post bail for the pair of them.
3) The third plan was ingenious, even James had to admit that. There was, however, one flaw which he didn't hesitate to point out. "You were seriously expecting the Stig to steal one of the best driver's cars in the world, then give it to you?!"
"I was going to let him drive it back! I thought if he knew he'd get to drive it, he wouldn't mind."
"You pillock. He said after we got one on the show that the car didn't like you. Too concerned with how it made you feel, not enough for the car or something like that."
"That's ridiculous! Of course I was careful with it, it wasn't mine!"
"It's well known that you and Cowell don't get on, but that's entirely beside my point. The point is that you were expecting the Stig to drive a Bugatti Veyron to your house then just get out of it."
"All right, fair enough, I'm an idiot. Happy now?"
"Very. You know, you could try asking Cowell if he'll let you drive it."
"Shut up, James."
4) The fourth attempt was even less likely to succeed than the first. "What are you doing, Jeremy?"
"This, my tiny friend, is a teleport!"
"Oh, God. You're not still trying to steal Simon Cowell's Bugatti are you?"
"And what if I am? This thing will have other uses too, you know."
"If you ever get it to work. I agree with James, actually."
"Traitor. Now get out, your teeth are blinding me and interfering with my work."
5) The final attempt actually got him into some real trouble. "Jeremy, we can't keep bailing you out with the police like this. It's not funny, and it's got to stop. If it happens again, you're off the show."
"Yes, boss. No more illegal attempts to drive Cowell's Bugatti. Got it."
Hammond and May were waiting outside. "What did he say?"
"That if I do it again, I'm fired."
"We told you it was stupid. Trying to carjack Simon Cowell in the middle of London when he's stopped at traffic lights? You're lucky you weren't committed."
"I was, sort of. I'm attending compulsory counseling sessions for six months."
"You see? We told you not to do it."
Epilogue (seven months later): "That was fantastic! Thank you so much, Simon. I will never make fun of your taste in cars ever again."
"You see, Jeremy? All you had to do was ask nicely!"
bubbles_san's challenge to write Clarkson's attempts to "get into Simon's Veyron".
In case you hadn't guessed, they aren't mine.
Liberation of a Bugatti Veyron, or Five Times Jeremy Clarkson didn't get to drive Simon Cowell's car and one he did.
1) The first attempt was laughable, really. Why he'd thought he could break into Simon Cowell's garage with a hammer without being noticed was one of the mysteries of mankind. After he'd posted bail, Jeremy thought 'Back to the drawing board'.
2) The second attempt was only marginally better. This time, he (ahem) borrowed Watchdog's tame car thief (the man could pick locks, too) and attempted to break into Simon Cowell's garage without being noticed. This time, he had to post bail for the pair of them.
3) The third plan was ingenious, even James had to admit that. There was, however, one flaw which he didn't hesitate to point out. "You were seriously expecting the Stig to steal one of the best driver's cars in the world, then give it to you?!"
"I was going to let him drive it back! I thought if he knew he'd get to drive it, he wouldn't mind."
"You pillock. He said after we got one on the show that the car didn't like you. Too concerned with how it made you feel, not enough for the car or something like that."
"That's ridiculous! Of course I was careful with it, it wasn't mine!"
"It's well known that you and Cowell don't get on, but that's entirely beside my point. The point is that you were expecting the Stig to drive a Bugatti Veyron to your house then just get out of it."
"All right, fair enough, I'm an idiot. Happy now?"
"Very. You know, you could try asking Cowell if he'll let you drive it."
"Shut up, James."
4) The fourth attempt was even less likely to succeed than the first. "What are you doing, Jeremy?"
"This, my tiny friend, is a teleport!"
"Oh, God. You're not still trying to steal Simon Cowell's Bugatti are you?"
"And what if I am? This thing will have other uses too, you know."
"If you ever get it to work. I agree with James, actually."
"Traitor. Now get out, your teeth are blinding me and interfering with my work."
5) The final attempt actually got him into some real trouble. "Jeremy, we can't keep bailing you out with the police like this. It's not funny, and it's got to stop. If it happens again, you're off the show."
"Yes, boss. No more illegal attempts to drive Cowell's Bugatti. Got it."
Hammond and May were waiting outside. "What did he say?"
"That if I do it again, I'm fired."
"We told you it was stupid. Trying to carjack Simon Cowell in the middle of London when he's stopped at traffic lights? You're lucky you weren't committed."
"I was, sort of. I'm attending compulsory counseling sessions for six months."
"You see? We told you not to do it."
Epilogue (seven months later): "That was fantastic! Thank you so much, Simon. I will never make fun of your taste in cars ever again."
"You see, Jeremy? All you had to do was ask nicely!"