(no subject)
I forgot to let everyone know that my friend Stacy had her baby almost 2 weeks ago. Samuel Oak, a whopping 10 lb boy! And that my sorority sister is getting married next May. All these happy happy things. I'm excited to venture south in August to see everyone. I talked to a lot of my friends on the phone these last few days and it helps me remember I am loved. Even if there is one person in this world who hates me right now.
In other news, I had my first night as a handsome single lady last night. It's been awhile. Because even before that I liked someone all last fall/winter and I never really opened myself up to going out and just being Andrea the almighty. My heart was already taken and my actions followed suit. So yeah. Pretty weird. I drove to Lansing after refusing to mope and visited my lj peeps. Which was so much fun. I never get to see them and well, they are pretty friggin hilarious. I'm sad that there is this gaping possibility they are going to all move away in August. It seems like all these cool people I'm getting closer to or even meeting for the first time are moving. Change. Though constant in it's continuity, it is forever just screwing with my heart strings. Blech.
I'm really glad I went last night. I felt so welcome and special. Really special. It was the perfect place for me to be, the best people to be around. As I woke up this beautiful Memorial Day, I realized I didn't once look at my phone or check it at the party. Didn't even think about it until today. Now that's a sign of a good party. I felt free to just be myself and be goofy and silly and not worry about calling the bf before bed or to reassure him that he was missed or that I was on my best behavior. Fuck behavior. I'm so sick of having to smile and pretend like everything is okay so I can make sure someone else's ego is still intact and flourishing. Dammit. I think the most fun was just being alone, in my car. It was great listening to my all time favorite driving album (Dark Side of the Moon) and just contemplating. All this driving has given me a lot of time for some good thinking. And to further cement Pink Floyd as my all time favorite band. *sigh*
It's just- what the hell do I want out of this life? Who am I? I had this huge existential/love/spiritual/historical debate over the nature of the universe last night until almost 6 am. Is it better to be so sure of your belief that you sit hard and fast on top of your judgmental rock? So still and rigid you feel safe? Or kind of float through the uncertainty of ever declaring a niche for yourself, understanding that nonone can ever REALLY know why we are here or where we're going? Or is it balancing both? Where do all these people fit into your ideologies? Do I have enough energy to love as I know I can and should? Will it last? Why is something wrong also the right decision, simultaneously? What the hell should I be living for- myself? my God? A God? my family? my lover? the stranger on the sidewalk? How do I keep it real without isolation or being too selfish or spreading myself too thin? How do I know if someone truly gets me? Will they ever? Noone can ever do it- it's this hopeless thing to think you can totally be connected to someone- there are still secrets and the laboring, ever constant demand for faith and trust. Do I have what it takes? Why does it seem all these people around me have figured this out? Or is this a false perception?
Sometimes I just want to sleep. These dreams. These dreams I have. But I can't stop waking up....
In other news, I had my first night as a handsome single lady last night. It's been awhile. Because even before that I liked someone all last fall/winter and I never really opened myself up to going out and just being Andrea the almighty. My heart was already taken and my actions followed suit. So yeah. Pretty weird. I drove to Lansing after refusing to mope and visited my lj peeps. Which was so much fun. I never get to see them and well, they are pretty friggin hilarious. I'm sad that there is this gaping possibility they are going to all move away in August. It seems like all these cool people I'm getting closer to or even meeting for the first time are moving. Change. Though constant in it's continuity, it is forever just screwing with my heart strings. Blech.
I'm really glad I went last night. I felt so welcome and special. Really special. It was the perfect place for me to be, the best people to be around. As I woke up this beautiful Memorial Day, I realized I didn't once look at my phone or check it at the party. Didn't even think about it until today. Now that's a sign of a good party. I felt free to just be myself and be goofy and silly and not worry about calling the bf before bed or to reassure him that he was missed or that I was on my best behavior. Fuck behavior. I'm so sick of having to smile and pretend like everything is okay so I can make sure someone else's ego is still intact and flourishing. Dammit. I think the most fun was just being alone, in my car. It was great listening to my all time favorite driving album (Dark Side of the Moon) and just contemplating. All this driving has given me a lot of time for some good thinking. And to further cement Pink Floyd as my all time favorite band. *sigh*
It's just- what the hell do I want out of this life? Who am I? I had this huge existential/love/spiritual/historical debate over the nature of the universe last night until almost 6 am. Is it better to be so sure of your belief that you sit hard and fast on top of your judgmental rock? So still and rigid you feel safe? Or kind of float through the uncertainty of ever declaring a niche for yourself, understanding that nonone can ever REALLY know why we are here or where we're going? Or is it balancing both? Where do all these people fit into your ideologies? Do I have enough energy to love as I know I can and should? Will it last? Why is something wrong also the right decision, simultaneously? What the hell should I be living for- myself? my God? A God? my family? my lover? the stranger on the sidewalk? How do I keep it real without isolation or being too selfish or spreading myself too thin? How do I know if someone truly gets me? Will they ever? Noone can ever do it- it's this hopeless thing to think you can totally be connected to someone- there are still secrets and the laboring, ever constant demand for faith and trust. Do I have what it takes? Why does it seem all these people around me have figured this out? Or is this a false perception?
Sometimes I just want to sleep. These dreams. These dreams I have. But I can't stop waking up....