Vomit and future bad poetry awaits...
I re-edited my last post because some major stuff happened this weekend. I went to Kalamazoo Friday night (for Em’s bf John’s going away party) after eating with Andrew and his fam. It was cool until later when I talked to him on the phone and we proceeded to get into a big argument. He can’t even let me do my own thing with my friends (I ditched them last week , AGAIN, to hang out with him) although I see him all the time. He felt bad about not being invited Fri, but honestly, I had more fun being able to drive alone, spend some time with myself and MY friends, and not having to worry if he was going to fit in and have fun all night. He is just so insecure sometimes and well, I am sick of having to worry about if he’s going to get along with my friends or if he’s not going to talk or if I have to explain a definition or allusion to him...Seeing the wondering looks on my friends faces... "why are you dating him...?" He is smart in other ways than me in music but he doesn't discipline himself... I need something more than that. Someone who’s going to read poetry to me and discuss politics and make me laugh uncontrollably and really pay attention to what’s going on (with me and his surroundings). Someone a little more mature and in tune to the subtleties and complexities of my nature. So I did something wrong, I admit it. I went to Ann Arbor, not expecting this amazing/terrifying thing to happen... but it did. Time and maturity and stopping self-medication has not only changed my outlook on things but the heart of another. Who (as I was told) also hasn’t stopped thinking about what could happen if we really devoted ourselves to each other. So yeah... the Arb, a blanket, my poetry, and several hours of discussion later, I had stood up my (ex) boyfriend, turned into a really big cunt, and well, made a decision that has been at the back of my mind for the last month and a half. Not seeing this other person, but breaking up (again) with Andrew. I have been trying to make this work because I was rebounding and I never make things work... But as I’m beginning to realize, it’s not supposed to be this hard (especially at first). I’m just tired. Making excuses about a boy my parents hate, and hanging out with people who didn’t even graduate high school. I’m sure I sound like a snob, but it’s high time I start making these decisions about who I really want to spend time with... Not that I don't like all his friends, but there’s more to me than social time and even just making music... I have so many facets and I need a stimulating crowd. I want to spend my time wisely with people who cultivate me. Andrew was the most supportive, sweetest person I’ve ever met... but still naïve and just not on my level. He is smart in other ways than me, but I can’t keep trying to be in his world all the time. I need someone who can fit into MY intellectual world too... Because that’s just the kind of person I am. I am outgoing.. I need someone who can make conversation with my friends, not necessarily be Mr. Gregarious, but I don’t’ want to worry if he can hold his own in a conversation or not...
I guess the whole break up thing is really just the fact that I'm a bitch. I make him a painting. I meet his brother and his family.... I feel horrible thinking about them asking about me and that just stinging his heart even more... I hate that I won't have his friendship any more...But I can't keep this effort up anymore. Though I love him, I am not in love with him and it's becoming exhausting trying to convince myself about how wonderful he is every time I don’t have him to physically remind me...
So I feel like I'm going to puke every time I think about eating and otherwise feel like a disgusting human being (especially since I met his brother and grandparents Fri) because honestly, I don't think I was ever over Mr. break-my-heart-rebuild-me-anew-Ann-Arbor. It's funny how you can try to suppress your feelings and try to make them go away. I think I saw in Andrew someone who would treat me like a princess and realize how amazing I am. But flattering fancy and fun nights out on the town are not a relationship. No matter how hard you try to tell yourslef. Even sharing a lot with another person doesn’t mean you are in love with someone. Having to "chill", then having to drink with someone to relax is not healthy. Not that it's been that way a lot lately, but a few drinks did make it easier to enjoy myself and forget the little things that irked me.... He did everything right, and I thought I was happy, then thought I should be happy, then I thought I would/could maybe be happy in the future sometime when he got his shit together...I’m tired of being someone’s mom.. I need to trust my partner and have faith that he’s going to make the right decisions about being responsible, who he hangs out with, how he takes care of himself. Even though he made me feel beautiful at the time I needed to the most, even though we hung in there together after stopping smoking, it wasn't enough because I need something more challenging and subtle to keep up with my intellect and interests. I have learned that I never want to settle for anything less than how he treated me, but at the same time, I have to do this even though it friggin hurts. And even though I know we will both be sad. God it kills to know he's going to be sad. He has such a big heart. And he thinks I'm an evil person.
SO! There's your negativity for you Joshay... it was not an expected thing, but I had a very long conversation with Mr. Ann Arbor yesterday and it was like bam! This same old box of feelings came out and I saw myself just relaxing as myself- but trying to be a better person at the same time. He has that effect on me. No-one has that effect on me! Arg... I always feel like it's the other way around... I want to respect my partner and his intelligence, not feel like I'm the brains in the outfit. I want someone who's going to challenge me to really examine how I behave and interact with others. I think last fall was the wrong timing and well... I'm not saying we are going to date (I need some total healing room at the moment) but the whole evening showed me that I did not need to continue dating Andrew if I could feel this way about someone else. It felt like we hadn’t missed a beat, but we had both changed in ways as well for the better. I'm glad I talked to Andrew today and just told him this, although I know he hates me now and thinks I'm horrible and like “planned” this whole thing. Honestly I didn’t. I kept hoping this light would fall and I would really fall in love with him, after I met his family and things got better... but meeting his family just scared me. First of all I hate superficial conversation and secondly: Why am I meeting these people if I don't see a future?!?!?! I didn't want to continue with something that would just hurt worse in a year. And the whole Ann Arbor thing... I was hoping to catch up with someone I thought I’d gotten over, but it just wasn't the case. I do feel kind of evil but also relieved at the same time....Sometimes I feel so mixed up about this kind of stuff but this was such a clear decision for me... does that make it more honorable? You tell me. I feel like puking still. More than ever.
I guess the whole break up thing is really just the fact that I'm a bitch. I make him a painting. I meet his brother and his family.... I feel horrible thinking about them asking about me and that just stinging his heart even more... I hate that I won't have his friendship any more...But I can't keep this effort up anymore. Though I love him, I am not in love with him and it's becoming exhausting trying to convince myself about how wonderful he is every time I don’t have him to physically remind me...
So I feel like I'm going to puke every time I think about eating and otherwise feel like a disgusting human being (especially since I met his brother and grandparents Fri) because honestly, I don't think I was ever over Mr. break-my-heart-rebuild-me-anew-Ann-Arbor. It's funny how you can try to suppress your feelings and try to make them go away. I think I saw in Andrew someone who would treat me like a princess and realize how amazing I am. But flattering fancy and fun nights out on the town are not a relationship. No matter how hard you try to tell yourslef. Even sharing a lot with another person doesn’t mean you are in love with someone. Having to "chill", then having to drink with someone to relax is not healthy. Not that it's been that way a lot lately, but a few drinks did make it easier to enjoy myself and forget the little things that irked me.... He did everything right, and I thought I was happy, then thought I should be happy, then I thought I would/could maybe be happy in the future sometime when he got his shit together...I’m tired of being someone’s mom.. I need to trust my partner and have faith that he’s going to make the right decisions about being responsible, who he hangs out with, how he takes care of himself. Even though he made me feel beautiful at the time I needed to the most, even though we hung in there together after stopping smoking, it wasn't enough because I need something more challenging and subtle to keep up with my intellect and interests. I have learned that I never want to settle for anything less than how he treated me, but at the same time, I have to do this even though it friggin hurts. And even though I know we will both be sad. God it kills to know he's going to be sad. He has such a big heart. And he thinks I'm an evil person.
SO! There's your negativity for you Joshay... it was not an expected thing, but I had a very long conversation with Mr. Ann Arbor yesterday and it was like bam! This same old box of feelings came out and I saw myself just relaxing as myself- but trying to be a better person at the same time. He has that effect on me. No-one has that effect on me! Arg... I always feel like it's the other way around... I want to respect my partner and his intelligence, not feel like I'm the brains in the outfit. I want someone who's going to challenge me to really examine how I behave and interact with others. I think last fall was the wrong timing and well... I'm not saying we are going to date (I need some total healing room at the moment) but the whole evening showed me that I did not need to continue dating Andrew if I could feel this way about someone else. It felt like we hadn’t missed a beat, but we had both changed in ways as well for the better. I'm glad I talked to Andrew today and just told him this, although I know he hates me now and thinks I'm horrible and like “planned” this whole thing. Honestly I didn’t. I kept hoping this light would fall and I would really fall in love with him, after I met his family and things got better... but meeting his family just scared me. First of all I hate superficial conversation and secondly: Why am I meeting these people if I don't see a future?!?!?! I didn't want to continue with something that would just hurt worse in a year. And the whole Ann Arbor thing... I was hoping to catch up with someone I thought I’d gotten over, but it just wasn't the case. I do feel kind of evil but also relieved at the same time....Sometimes I feel so mixed up about this kind of stuff but this was such a clear decision for me... does that make it more honorable? You tell me. I feel like puking still. More than ever.