An unfortunate epiphany.
So, I was working the info booth, covering my coworker's break, when a car pulled up. The driver looked exactly like Nathaniel-- same bone structure, same hair, same physical mannerisms, same clothing style; hell, he didn't even say a word, his did in the passenger seat did all the talking. As I gave the dad directions I kept glancing at the Nathaniel-doppelganger, and didn't like at all the way looking at him made me feel.
I wasn't angry, I wasn't bitter, I was SAD. Sad beyond all reason.
And I sat back and thought, well, THAT'S not right.
And, during the three hours I had to myself at work, I realized: despite all the reasons that Nathaniel wasn't the right guy for me--and I know there are many-- I still miss him. Not just the relationship, not just the way he made me feel, HIM, which... was unexpected. That's not supposed to happen. And I don't miss him as a friend, either. I miss the time when he was my boyfriend. . ...After a great deal of time thinking otherwise, I don't think I'm over him. Well over a year later, I still wish we had never broken up. I was happy when we were together, and I've never been that happy since, and I'm just not okay with this.
What. The hell.
I've been single for 16 of the 17 months we've been separated. I haven't found anyone else to fill that gap. Meanwhile, he's marrying someone else, and now, out of nowhere, I realize, shit. Despite what I've been telling myself for over a year, I still... not so much want him back? I don't think I could date him again now, after all this, in the warped alternate universe where that was an option. But I want what we had back.
I seriously had no idea. I knew I was bitter, sure. I didn't know I still wanted him. And this is me non-pmsing and adjusted to 40mg of antidepressants, so I can't blame either of those things for this sudden self-mutiny.
This is not okay. This is seriously, seriously not okay.
Nothing I can do, really. Just keep doing what I have been.
I'm especially pissed about this because before this I had a post all drafted about how awesome life was because things have stabilized and I finally felt like I had a handle on my life and future and was content with being single.
I cannot express my ire deeply enough.
I am vexed.
I wasn't angry, I wasn't bitter, I was SAD. Sad beyond all reason.
And I sat back and thought, well, THAT'S not right.
And, during the three hours I had to myself at work, I realized: despite all the reasons that Nathaniel wasn't the right guy for me--and I know there are many-- I still miss him. Not just the relationship, not just the way he made me feel, HIM, which... was unexpected. That's not supposed to happen. And I don't miss him as a friend, either. I miss the time when he was my boyfriend. . ...After a great deal of time thinking otherwise, I don't think I'm over him. Well over a year later, I still wish we had never broken up. I was happy when we were together, and I've never been that happy since, and I'm just not okay with this.
What. The hell.
I've been single for 16 of the 17 months we've been separated. I haven't found anyone else to fill that gap. Meanwhile, he's marrying someone else, and now, out of nowhere, I realize, shit. Despite what I've been telling myself for over a year, I still... not so much want him back? I don't think I could date him again now, after all this, in the warped alternate universe where that was an option. But I want what we had back.
I seriously had no idea. I knew I was bitter, sure. I didn't know I still wanted him. And this is me non-pmsing and adjusted to 40mg of antidepressants, so I can't blame either of those things for this sudden self-mutiny.
This is not okay. This is seriously, seriously not okay.
Nothing I can do, really. Just keep doing what I have been.
I'm especially pissed about this because before this I had a post all drafted about how awesome life was because things have stabilized and I finally felt like I had a handle on my life and future and was content with being single.
I cannot express my ire deeply enough.
I am vexed.