Trust
Trust.
It’s a simple yet complicated notion. Its something so tedious and difficult to build, yet so easy to break and shatter. It’s like a fine, ceramic or glass vase. It takes a great amount of time to artistically shape it as it is. Yet one small push, and it falls, either cracking or shattering into smaller shards.
For the past four months, “trust” was what was endangered for me. I nearly lost my lover, and had to trade in my closest friend. You all know what happened. Ever since I left Rain, it never rested. I was happy in general, but everyday at random times, I would have anxiety attacks lasting around 10 minutes. Sometimes I would also space out for a while, entering a cycle of self-blame and guilt. It would start with me thinking about Rain, then I would be reminded of what I did to him, which then awakened my guilt. And then I would start thinking that I shouldn’t feel that way because of KIVEGA, which then makes me feel even more guilty, and then it goes back to Rain. The cycle continued until it faded. That went on for two months. I would fight it at times, but fighting it only made it stronger. It ate me up from inside. The more frequent the episodes, the more the guilt piled up. I began to look to alcohol to flush out the guilt temporarily. But it would pile up again within a week’s time. Eventually, it became a demon that would wake up to bother me; a demon I was almost prepared to live with. It began to tell me that Rain was angry and would never forgive me. That thought ate my soul.
Just last week me and KIVEGA argument. This time it had been his fault. I will not get into details, as it is very personal. But let’s just say that I discovered that even though he said he trusted me, the truth is he didn’t. Because he didn’t, he did something that would have been unforgiveable. That was the last straw for me. Being restricted from seeing my friend for the past two months in exchange for his trust, and then realizing how brittle the trust was, I wanted to break free. At that point, I just didn’t care anymore if he’d abandon me because I wanted my freedom back. I wanted the demon within me to die. I wanted all this to rest. I told him I wanted to see my bestfriend. Surprisingly, he came over to me all the way from where he lived. We talked things over and settled things pretty quickly. He decided to just take a leap of faith and trust me completely. After all, that’s how real trust should be: free from conditions, and no strings attached. From that day onward, I felt free from the demon within me. I decided to finally contact Rain somehow.
I eventually contacted Rain, though it took about a week or so. I was so glad I could finally talk with him. But I knew deep inside, things would be different. I know him well. And everything I thought turned out to be true. He was angry with me; he was beaten. He was unable to forgive me. All I could do was apologize. I knew what I put him through. My guilt was justified and the demon within me was right about everything. It hurt knowing the status between me and him, yet relieving in a way because I finally saw him and talked with him. We talked in his house. I met his mother for the first time. She was a nice person.
Rain’s trust in me was shattered, but I guess it wasn’t so much because he was willing for us to start over. He was willing to stay open to me. Still, I have a lot of work to do. He’s a shattered ceramic vase, a vase that would be easily disposed because it was broken and not beautiful anymore. But I’m stubborn. If I break something or mess something up, I fix it. And that’s what I intend to do.
They say that when you break someone’s trust, things won’t be the same. That’s true. I believe that once is trust broken, it’s difficult to rebuild, and it would never be the same - just like a glass or ceramic vase. But things like that can still repaired. Pieces can be brought back together. The vase won’t be as perfect as it once was. But I believe that depending in how you put the pieces back together, the vase can still become beautiful.
金継ぎ(Kintsugi). I stumbled across this one time on Facebook. Kintsugi was the art of repairing broken ceramics using gold, silver, or platinum lacquer. When the shards are put together, the cracks between them are lined with the lacquer, making the once broken vase an imperfect yet beautiful vase. Apparently, the philosophy behind it was to recognize the history of what is broken and instead of disguising it, incorporate it into its repair.
I’ve broken people’s trust in me. I’ve broken KIVEGA’s, but was able to mend it. Our relationship became stronger with each of our failures. I’ve also broken Rain’s, and he will be a challenge. But just like with KIVEGA, I intend to fix that trust. It will take time, but eventually, everything will be alright.