I should let you go...
It's not what everyone thinks of when they think of love. It's not what they expect it to be. It’s not the hand-holding, snuggling up at night and falling asleep together kind of love. It’s not an ache to make passionate love, or to live happily-ever-after with her, but it’s the strongest thing I’ve ever felt. It doesn’t make sense to me. I have spent the past year and a half trying to figure out if I’m trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, and I have found out that the square peg fits in that round hole, but it’s still not right, because the round holes in my heart are just so big that anything can fit in them, and she does- she fits in multiple holes in my heart, and she fills various roles that I wasn’t expecting. That just makes it more confusing for me. It would be so much easier to put her in one hole and keep her there, but it doesn’t work that way. Her ability to fit in various holes in my life means that I love her in each of those roles differently, and all together, it’s more love than I ever expected I could have for anyone.
In that, I have found that I can’t love anyone else romantically. My love for her, in all of the other roles, in all of the other ways, far overshadows any kind of romantic love. I don’t understand it, and I don’t think I can explain it. She’s become my everything, and that’s scary, because I know that no matter how much she may care about me, she doesn’t love me, and she doesn’t want to be my everything.
And though I know my life would be a lot less complicated if she wasn’t my everything, I can’t let her go, because to let her go, I’d have to let go of all of her. I don’t get to pick and choose which kind of love I’m feeling at any given time. One day she’s a friend, another, she’s a sister, a mentor, a mother, an aunt, and yes, on occasion, she feels like someone I could spend the rest of my life with, even if there's never anything sexual, and again, I know it doesn't make sense. She’s my voice of reason, my conscience, my constant grounding balance. I can’t see my life without her there. At some point, she became a need. And that hurts, because she doesn’t need me, and at times, I don’t even know if she wants me around, but the very thought of not having her there scares me like nothing else in my life scares me.
I love her. I may not be in love with her, but the love I feel for her is just as strong, and there’s nothing that can explain it, nothing that can change it, and nothing I would take in exchange for it.
In that, I have found that I can’t love anyone else romantically. My love for her, in all of the other roles, in all of the other ways, far overshadows any kind of romantic love. I don’t understand it, and I don’t think I can explain it. She’s become my everything, and that’s scary, because I know that no matter how much she may care about me, she doesn’t love me, and she doesn’t want to be my everything.
And though I know my life would be a lot less complicated if she wasn’t my everything, I can’t let her go, because to let her go, I’d have to let go of all of her. I don’t get to pick and choose which kind of love I’m feeling at any given time. One day she’s a friend, another, she’s a sister, a mentor, a mother, an aunt, and yes, on occasion, she feels like someone I could spend the rest of my life with, even if there's never anything sexual, and again, I know it doesn't make sense. She’s my voice of reason, my conscience, my constant grounding balance. I can’t see my life without her there. At some point, she became a need. And that hurts, because she doesn’t need me, and at times, I don’t even know if she wants me around, but the very thought of not having her there scares me like nothing else in my life scares me.
I love her. I may not be in love with her, but the love I feel for her is just as strong, and there’s nothing that can explain it, nothing that can change it, and nothing I would take in exchange for it.