At Least I Loved Enough to Hurt

[realmdreamer]

I remember everything. I remember the way you looked from across the street the first time I saw you, before we met, as I was getting on the bus. I remember those green eyes, tinged with yellow the first day we hung out. I remember out first date and the things you said that made me realize that I wanted to be with you. I remember how terrified you got when I was sick, looking out the window with me at Miami Valley, trying not to cry. I remember making blankets with you for our family our first Christmas together, and getting you your sewing machine and how excited you got picking out fabric for Lucy's jackets. I found doggy treats in that brown Levi bag I'd take with us on our Late Night Adventures. I remember our first last night adventure, and how it was the perfect date. I remember so many times, hearing you say that you never thought you'd meet someone you'd want to live with, not just tolerate but really want to be with. I remember the way you held me when we were losing Carol and I lost it. I remember air mattresses on the kitchen floor and the first night I cooked for you. I remember the night I told you that I loved you, and I remember the night you said it back. I remember coming home from work Valentine's days to candy and candles. I remember and still have the mother's day card you ordered for me with pictures of our "kids" on it. I miss them so much. I remember how my heart stopped after our accident and I looked over and saw you grabbing your chest, afraid you were having a heart attack, and the complete dread that came over me. I remember making you dance with me in the living room to a song called "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin, and how much I thought the song spoke to me about us. I remember the day we got our phones, then the day you got your smart phone. I remember so many wonderful things.

I also remember the negative, but as time is moving on, it is the good things I'm taking with me. I hope you are too. It was never that I didn't love you. I just couldn't keep going on like we were, stuck in a town you kept promising to leave, but never tried to. I couldn't take being with someone I would have given up the world for, but wouldn't give it up for me. You know how fiercely I love. I need to be loved just as fiercely.

That doesn't mean that I don't miss you, miss us, because I do. Most of the time, I'm extremely happy, but occasionally, I think about you, and I feel incomplete. Wish you would have lived the life I have now with me, but since you couldn't, I have to live it without you. I'm sorry, and I'll always love you. I hope you find it again, with someone better suited for you, and I hope you love fiercely.