Trapped...
13Dec05
heh.. Now im stuck in a mental gridlock! Found an answer... now to apply it... I don't know what else to say....
Well I guess ill just go back to studying the differences of this War on Terrorism in Iraq and way out the conclusions based on historical evidence from the Philippine Insurrection. I've ordered 2 more books on it getting sent home right now along with the Alchemist and The Historian. Still have to start my read on the Kite Runner. Ack where to start. It fucking sucks cause its darker than shit in here and i don't got my own light to read it besides the glow of this laptop.
Shit! We're so damn close to coming home! I hope no one else gets hurt. 6-7 More weeks dammit! Its like blue balls... hahahaha.
I miss Holly... I have a picture of her and I under the top rack. I sleep on the bottom though. My screen saver is filled with pictures of both of us or just her. I really have to stop expecting shit. I think it's one of my major flaws.
15Dec05
Yesterday i stood restless staring at the wall. I dunno how you say it so simple, but i felt trapped. Trapped cause im here? Trapped from doing the things i want to do? Trapped inside of myself? There i go again into my deep thought. Eventaully after reading Kite Runner for a few hours i fell asleep.
The elections started.. I dont want to say much im sure im being monitored plus these are government lines. My prayers are for the armed forces fighting out there. I hope this situation could come to a end. We took some detainees over and i talked to the Iraqi translator down there who used to work at Camp Fallujah. It's odd im not usually a social bee, but i always wondered of how they viewed the war. He said that it would take time and he's glad of the progress here. I told him about the Philippine Insurrection and how it is very similar to the current situation. It's funny if i think of it if the Iraqis knew what happened to the Philippines they would feel different about this situation and may even embrace it. Im still undecided on how i feel about the war. The difficulty of this war is differentiating friend or foe. Innocent lives always end up lost in these kind of situations. Someone told me that they read a article on the reasons why their are suicide bombers. It stated that they were aiming for a political cause. I feel as if it was more on a personal basis. You can't help the fact that their is ignorance on both parties. A Marine who lost his friend to a insurgent will most likely hold less respect and dignity for a Iraqi. Vice versa. Its sad but mercy and forgiveness is difficult for some. If you put it into that think of a Iraqi man who has lost his brother as result of accident or hostile act. It's very difficult with deciding whether to use deadly force. Judging between hostile intent or hostile act within a matter of seconds means your life. If i put myself in these Iraqi shoes and was directly affected by the armed forces, i would have probably have been an insurgent. I'll have to say more later on when the situation dies down though. But i have to get that off my chest.
The stress is insurmountable to these Marines. Some haven't had sufficient time to cope with loss. I talked to Joey whos back in the rear about ordering books to help cope with these kind of situations. I hope he follows through cause if he doesnt i will follow through with it alone regardless of help. Put it like this, if you lost your brother or sister to the enemy. Would you still have mercy toward that enemy? The rage in loss... The lack of family and friends to console you. The pain will make you rot inside without help.
I woke up gasping for air... was odd. Well the dream that is.. Jan was there.. and some girl at the end of the river i believe. I had feelings for the girl... was it Holly? or Leanne from way back when i was in 5th grade... Odd huh. Something in the back of my head? I'm not sure who it was because she was faceless. So was Jan.. but i knew it was him. We were having a race to swim laps across the river. The water was clear and you could see the gravel of smooth rocks at the bottom. So we swam across. Once we hit the end point the girl was expressionless yet was staring at me... giving me a gut churning feeling. When Jan and I hit the end point we swam back. He was beating me by a long shot. I was struggling cause it seemed as the water flow was decreasing and i can feel my legs wading against the gravel. The water was decreasing fast enough that i couldn't even swim. So i got up and ran towards the end to meet up with Jan. I told him "Fucker you beat me" Then we laughed and i woke up gasping for air around 0556. The the lights turning on wake me up? It's been a while i had dreams. I like them though very odd subliminal messages my sub consciousness is giving me. I think i wrote another one of my dreams on this journal before too ill have to read through again. Im about to sleep again hopefully i could dream again. My life is drab here small things like this amuse the fuck outta me.
I bought xmas presents for a few friends. I never bought gifts for friends in a long ass time too. Feels good though. I put a lot of thought into what they liked most. Maybe after christmas i'll list what i gave the =) i feel monitored lol.
These Marines amaze me everyday. I feel like im in a huge family. The time going home is coming close, yet i feel that i'll sense loss. It's great working with them regardless the bullshit. I know it will be completely different when i come back home. I usually hear marines talking shit or something bad about certain corpsman or "Docs" I don't really feel that way though. More of they treat me with respect cause i do same. Im usually doing my best to motivate them during their formations by playing Quad City Dj's - Come on ride the Train. Sometimes im jumping into their massive dog piles on top of each other. It feels good to be respected though. They already know im cocky when it comes to going out.
"Doc we gotta go out... and do some rehearsals"
"FUCK! Bah you don't need me go do it on your own"
"Well, you know how it is Doc..."
"yeah yeah im just fucking with ya. You guys are bunch of big babies"
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen my daily routine!
Thank you Lord for giving me another day. Im lovin this shit. Give me what You got.
YEAAAAAAAYUH!
heh.. Now im stuck in a mental gridlock! Found an answer... now to apply it... I don't know what else to say....
Well I guess ill just go back to studying the differences of this War on Terrorism in Iraq and way out the conclusions based on historical evidence from the Philippine Insurrection. I've ordered 2 more books on it getting sent home right now along with the Alchemist and The Historian. Still have to start my read on the Kite Runner. Ack where to start. It fucking sucks cause its darker than shit in here and i don't got my own light to read it besides the glow of this laptop.
Shit! We're so damn close to coming home! I hope no one else gets hurt. 6-7 More weeks dammit! Its like blue balls... hahahaha.
I miss Holly... I have a picture of her and I under the top rack. I sleep on the bottom though. My screen saver is filled with pictures of both of us or just her. I really have to stop expecting shit. I think it's one of my major flaws.
15Dec05
Yesterday i stood restless staring at the wall. I dunno how you say it so simple, but i felt trapped. Trapped cause im here? Trapped from doing the things i want to do? Trapped inside of myself? There i go again into my deep thought. Eventaully after reading Kite Runner for a few hours i fell asleep.
The elections started.. I dont want to say much im sure im being monitored plus these are government lines. My prayers are for the armed forces fighting out there. I hope this situation could come to a end. We took some detainees over and i talked to the Iraqi translator down there who used to work at Camp Fallujah. It's odd im not usually a social bee, but i always wondered of how they viewed the war. He said that it would take time and he's glad of the progress here. I told him about the Philippine Insurrection and how it is very similar to the current situation. It's funny if i think of it if the Iraqis knew what happened to the Philippines they would feel different about this situation and may even embrace it. Im still undecided on how i feel about the war. The difficulty of this war is differentiating friend or foe. Innocent lives always end up lost in these kind of situations. Someone told me that they read a article on the reasons why their are suicide bombers. It stated that they were aiming for a political cause. I feel as if it was more on a personal basis. You can't help the fact that their is ignorance on both parties. A Marine who lost his friend to a insurgent will most likely hold less respect and dignity for a Iraqi. Vice versa. Its sad but mercy and forgiveness is difficult for some. If you put it into that think of a Iraqi man who has lost his brother as result of accident or hostile act. It's very difficult with deciding whether to use deadly force. Judging between hostile intent or hostile act within a matter of seconds means your life. If i put myself in these Iraqi shoes and was directly affected by the armed forces, i would have probably have been an insurgent. I'll have to say more later on when the situation dies down though. But i have to get that off my chest.
The stress is insurmountable to these Marines. Some haven't had sufficient time to cope with loss. I talked to Joey whos back in the rear about ordering books to help cope with these kind of situations. I hope he follows through cause if he doesnt i will follow through with it alone regardless of help. Put it like this, if you lost your brother or sister to the enemy. Would you still have mercy toward that enemy? The rage in loss... The lack of family and friends to console you. The pain will make you rot inside without help.
I woke up gasping for air... was odd. Well the dream that is.. Jan was there.. and some girl at the end of the river i believe. I had feelings for the girl... was it Holly? or Leanne from way back when i was in 5th grade... Odd huh. Something in the back of my head? I'm not sure who it was because she was faceless. So was Jan.. but i knew it was him. We were having a race to swim laps across the river. The water was clear and you could see the gravel of smooth rocks at the bottom. So we swam across. Once we hit the end point the girl was expressionless yet was staring at me... giving me a gut churning feeling. When Jan and I hit the end point we swam back. He was beating me by a long shot. I was struggling cause it seemed as the water flow was decreasing and i can feel my legs wading against the gravel. The water was decreasing fast enough that i couldn't even swim. So i got up and ran towards the end to meet up with Jan. I told him "Fucker you beat me" Then we laughed and i woke up gasping for air around 0556. The the lights turning on wake me up? It's been a while i had dreams. I like them though very odd subliminal messages my sub consciousness is giving me. I think i wrote another one of my dreams on this journal before too ill have to read through again. Im about to sleep again hopefully i could dream again. My life is drab here small things like this amuse the fuck outta me.
I bought xmas presents for a few friends. I never bought gifts for friends in a long ass time too. Feels good though. I put a lot of thought into what they liked most. Maybe after christmas i'll list what i gave the =) i feel monitored lol.
These Marines amaze me everyday. I feel like im in a huge family. The time going home is coming close, yet i feel that i'll sense loss. It's great working with them regardless the bullshit. I know it will be completely different when i come back home. I usually hear marines talking shit or something bad about certain corpsman or "Docs" I don't really feel that way though. More of they treat me with respect cause i do same. Im usually doing my best to motivate them during their formations by playing Quad City Dj's - Come on ride the Train. Sometimes im jumping into their massive dog piles on top of each other. It feels good to be respected though. They already know im cocky when it comes to going out.
"Doc we gotta go out... and do some rehearsals"
"FUCK! Bah you don't need me go do it on your own"
"Well, you know how it is Doc..."
"yeah yeah im just fucking with ya. You guys are bunch of big babies"
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen my daily routine!
Thank you Lord for giving me another day. Im lovin this shit. Give me what You got.
YEAAAAAAAYUH!