How I Defeated Mary-sue
The day I met Mary-sue, I screamed. I also said a whole string of words I normally despise. I couldn’t help it. I was in shock. I mean, how many people do you meet with freaking red eyes? We’re not talking fake contact lens red or movie red, I mean really red. For a split second, I could’ve sworn she was a demon or something. When she saw my shock, her eyes flickered through yellow and purple and black, like a slide projector.
“What the hell are you?” I squealed.
Mary-sue smiled a huge smile. Her teeth were perfectly straight and white. I’m talking perfectly here. Paper white, could’ve been cut using a ruler. Her smile was like those drawings you do when you’re little, back when you can’t be bothered to make teeth look real. I managed not to scream that time, though.
“I’m a half-fairy, half-elf,” said Mary-sue. Her voice was sickly sweet enough to draw mosquitoes, and in fact I thought I saw several head our way. It was weird, too, like she was using her singing voice while talking. “My parents abandoned me here. They were very wicked and abused me but I loved them and miss them.”
Now that’s something you don’t expect. You meet a monster and it starts giving you the tragic sob story of how it came to be. I started looking around for anything which could be used as a weapon. Everyone knows villains only start monologueing right before they’re going to kill you.
As she jabbered on and on in that hypnotizingly creepy voice of hers, Mary-sue flipped her hair. It swung out, so shiny it must have been metallic, and fell back, bouncing against her shoulders.
Bouncing. Not even bouncy balls have that much effect when they touch clothing. Just what was this creature made of? Could fairy dust cause a skin condition like that?
Could any weapon of mine stop her? I couldn’t let that creature out in the world.
The Mary-sue was yammering about herself now, showing me her, as she put them, curves.
Just kill me now.
No, wait, kill her. Then again, along with the bouncy skin, she must have a spin of steel to support that tiny waist, those huge - and I mean grossly huge - things.
Shudder.
Finally, I hit on a plan. “Hey, I have an idea,” I started, but Mary-sue wasn’t listening. For that matter, she didn’t stop talking for a second. I might as well not have been there. I gave it a second’s thought, and said, “There’s a really hot guy through that door there!”
Mary-sue’s eyes went from electric blue to violent violet to neon pink faster than you could say, “Freak-a-zoid.” She sprinted to the door, unlocked it, and stepped inside. I slammed the door shut behind her and bolted it.
“Hey,” I heard her say. “Where are you, super hot guy? You wanna see what I got under this tank? Super hot guy? Hello? I'll sing for you. Hello? Brr, it’s cold in here.”
Well it would be, in the freezer.
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A note on Mary-sues: 'Sues have to be shallow because otherwise their changing eyes would always be a mix of colors, and thus various shades of diarrhea.
“What the hell are you?” I squealed.
Mary-sue smiled a huge smile. Her teeth were perfectly straight and white. I’m talking perfectly here. Paper white, could’ve been cut using a ruler. Her smile was like those drawings you do when you’re little, back when you can’t be bothered to make teeth look real. I managed not to scream that time, though.
“I’m a half-fairy, half-elf,” said Mary-sue. Her voice was sickly sweet enough to draw mosquitoes, and in fact I thought I saw several head our way. It was weird, too, like she was using her singing voice while talking. “My parents abandoned me here. They were very wicked and abused me but I loved them and miss them.”
Now that’s something you don’t expect. You meet a monster and it starts giving you the tragic sob story of how it came to be. I started looking around for anything which could be used as a weapon. Everyone knows villains only start monologueing right before they’re going to kill you.
As she jabbered on and on in that hypnotizingly creepy voice of hers, Mary-sue flipped her hair. It swung out, so shiny it must have been metallic, and fell back, bouncing against her shoulders.
Bouncing. Not even bouncy balls have that much effect when they touch clothing. Just what was this creature made of? Could fairy dust cause a skin condition like that?
Could any weapon of mine stop her? I couldn’t let that creature out in the world.
The Mary-sue was yammering about herself now, showing me her, as she put them, curves.
Just kill me now.
No, wait, kill her. Then again, along with the bouncy skin, she must have a spin of steel to support that tiny waist, those huge - and I mean grossly huge - things.
Shudder.
Finally, I hit on a plan. “Hey, I have an idea,” I started, but Mary-sue wasn’t listening. For that matter, she didn’t stop talking for a second. I might as well not have been there. I gave it a second’s thought, and said, “There’s a really hot guy through that door there!”
Mary-sue’s eyes went from electric blue to violent violet to neon pink faster than you could say, “Freak-a-zoid.” She sprinted to the door, unlocked it, and stepped inside. I slammed the door shut behind her and bolted it.
“Hey,” I heard her say. “Where are you, super hot guy? You wanna see what I got under this tank? Super hot guy? Hello? I'll sing for you. Hello? Brr, it’s cold in here.”
Well it would be, in the freezer.
---
A note on Mary-sues: 'Sues have to be shallow because otherwise their changing eyes would always be a mix of colors, and thus various shades of diarrhea.