Time may change me, but I can't trace time
So, while my life is going well right now, and I am generally happy, I still hate change. Not only my best friend, my longest friend, but the friend I've spent the most time with (in my entire life), the one Ive talked to on the phone and cried with about everything and laughed, and was always there no matter what...well yea you get the picture. Well, not only is she not going to the same school as me for the next 3 years but shes living there too. And it might not be so bad, but I dont have a car. I dont know which is worse, the fact that I cant see her or the realization that our friendship will never be the same after this fucking hell. To add insult to injury, I dont even know if she feels the same, misses me as much. Maybe were just so preoccupied in our own lives, which just makes me more made at myself and the situation. Fuck. Ok, and the second thing...As most of you probably dont know my dad was remarried and divorced (for the third time) and this one was the worst, the life changing, well it basically led to my illness. Whatever. Well, Jess, my stepsister has been god knows where since...I cant even remember 2? 3 years? Amy, my ex-step mom is now remarried and my younger sister, Kelci, hates him. Shes 14 and just finished freshmen year at Bishop Moore, but her grades are crap, shes been dating since she was 12, been smoking pot and drinking since 8th grade and worse does it before class...Basically what Jessica was doing at that age. And now shes in Utah(?) living in a trailer park with a 45 year old dead beat on welfare...oh, but I shouldnt worry cause the only drugs she does now (or when we talked a year ago) are pot and crystal meth!! Again, to add insult to injury...Amy never called me after I got back from new york when I told her, told her before I left that I needed NEEDED her to keep in contact with me. And she didnt. So, I asked Kelci to hang out this week because her mother feels the need to keep her out of the house for all but like 2 weeks of summer. And fuck, now Kelci is making excuses that sound lame and I dont even know if she wants to see me. They are my family...were, were. No, it was supposed to be are, thats what we agreed on. And its not fair. And people wonder why I dont believe in marriage. Why am I being like this? Im upset and then I get angry and confused for being upset. WHEN WILL IT END?!! Why cant I ever just be...steady. Cause I know that tomorrow I will be all giddy and happy. Or maybe not. But it doesnt take much to bring me back up. Although, I havent felt this shitting in a while. I dont know where it came from...I had another date with Stephen. Hes really great. We really hit it off the first night. And today he took me to lunch and he was rushed and brought me home right after and didnt hug, or kiss me goodbye. And Im probably just reading into things because I dont want to let myself get comfortable. To think that this may be something when I want to SOOO BADLY to be able to...But experience made self-doubt and second guessing and over analyzing a defense mechanism. Because I am a romantic. I cant deny it, it will never go away. I know because I cried through almost all of As Good As it Gets even though I almost know it word for word. Im just damaged. A chip, I guess, from the wear and tear from the horrible burden it is to constantly wear your heart on your sleeve. Im exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. But what else is new? I dont think I will ever hear anything worse than my father telling me: He knows high school was hell on earth for me, that is was so awful. That everything piled up and happened at the same time. Going from a school I loved where I knew everyone to a strange, excepting place. September 11th, for christs sake, on my birthday...The horrible, earth-shattering divorce; getting sick...and the crying, on the sofa, from the pain...did I remember all the crying? He knows how horrible it is...but I have to realize that my emotions cause my pain. That I am a hypochondriac. So, I cry, and in my manicness, I make a joke and laugh over-zealously to prove thats its ok... I dont know if its more for him or me...