My Mind
sunday was harrys 18 bday. im happy but i dont know what to do. i didnt really get him anything but then agn i didnt really have time bc im still grounded.
we had a cake fight, well really just the icing. the pictures are hilarious.
we went to seans soccer game on sunday as well.i sat in my car through most of it. i just couldnt make myself get out. i could hear mrs freeman nad see sean run. i eventually went to see harry and family on the other side of the field. after the game harry went and talked to virginia. mrs mccormick told me i had to go with her when she walked over too. It was weird but im glad i did it. we actually had a good conversation for a minute or so. i brought a book to the soccer game. its like a security blanket, i can disappear if i want to. i miss seeing her. she was always at meets and races. kris and me did the same events so her voice became usual and welcomed. she made me work harder, i made kris work harder, she did the same for me. we were a great team and usually unseperable. i miss her. i miss her mom. m,aybe she will come today. it wont be as weird bc harry wont be there. it will be like before, almost.
last night i screwed up. we were talking abt me having no cmmon sense and i said he wasnt always smart either. he though books...no common sense. "you dont always have common sense" then his response tore through me like cut glass. "i didnt see her". i didnt mean that i swear. i just wanted to hold him and i kno that it wasnt his fault. i believe that. i...i just hope that he knows it. his friends think dif than me, but yet he is still with them. i cant explain that, or just dont want to.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that is all i want to do. SCREAM!!! oh well. he just told me to leave bc i was late but...i cried my whole way home. i havent done that in a long time. i worked so hard to not show that i was upset but as soon as i closed my car door i couldnt do it ne more. everything that i thought i had overcome came right back and overwhelmed me so much. i coldnt even sleep well agn but i didnt want to call him bc im sure he wasnt real happy with me still. i havent even seen him since then. the dreams i have, the nightmares. i hope that they r not really what i think. i should have gone for a run but it was late and i jst couldnt make myself. i had things to do but i just laid in bed crying. idk whn i fell asleep but i didnt sleep for very long periods. i keep seeing her, dif ways she could have...it is just wonderful havign a good imagination adn memory. every scenario, every outcome, everythign that i could have done to stop it, even me being there instead of her, or the same thing happenign to me. it must stop. i think im fine until i become physically afraid of him, then i kno what i will do but i dont want to think abt that. everythig will be fine. the pictures in my mind will go away every time i close my eyes or stare into space, i will stop jumping at every noise i hear (especially the start gun) i will be me agn.
we had a cake fight, well really just the icing. the pictures are hilarious.
we went to seans soccer game on sunday as well.i sat in my car through most of it. i just couldnt make myself get out. i could hear mrs freeman nad see sean run. i eventually went to see harry and family on the other side of the field. after the game harry went and talked to virginia. mrs mccormick told me i had to go with her when she walked over too. It was weird but im glad i did it. we actually had a good conversation for a minute or so. i brought a book to the soccer game. its like a security blanket, i can disappear if i want to. i miss seeing her. she was always at meets and races. kris and me did the same events so her voice became usual and welcomed. she made me work harder, i made kris work harder, she did the same for me. we were a great team and usually unseperable. i miss her. i miss her mom. m,aybe she will come today. it wont be as weird bc harry wont be there. it will be like before, almost.
last night i screwed up. we were talking abt me having no cmmon sense and i said he wasnt always smart either. he though books...no common sense. "you dont always have common sense" then his response tore through me like cut glass. "i didnt see her". i didnt mean that i swear. i just wanted to hold him and i kno that it wasnt his fault. i believe that. i...i just hope that he knows it. his friends think dif than me, but yet he is still with them. i cant explain that, or just dont want to.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that is all i want to do. SCREAM!!! oh well. he just told me to leave bc i was late but...i cried my whole way home. i havent done that in a long time. i worked so hard to not show that i was upset but as soon as i closed my car door i couldnt do it ne more. everything that i thought i had overcome came right back and overwhelmed me so much. i coldnt even sleep well agn but i didnt want to call him bc im sure he wasnt real happy with me still. i havent even seen him since then. the dreams i have, the nightmares. i hope that they r not really what i think. i should have gone for a run but it was late and i jst couldnt make myself. i had things to do but i just laid in bed crying. idk whn i fell asleep but i didnt sleep for very long periods. i keep seeing her, dif ways she could have...it is just wonderful havign a good imagination adn memory. every scenario, every outcome, everythign that i could have done to stop it, even me being there instead of her, or the same thing happenign to me. it must stop. i think im fine until i become physically afraid of him, then i kno what i will do but i dont want to think abt that. everythig will be fine. the pictures in my mind will go away every time i close my eyes or stare into space, i will stop jumping at every noise i hear (especially the start gun) i will be me agn.