You Win or You Hide, 12/?
Title: You Win or You Hide, 12/?
or,
The Adventures of Charlie and Chuck in the Mysterious Kingdom
Author: reading_is_in
Chars: Charlie, Chuck, Crowley, ensemble.
Pairings: (later) Cas/Dean, Charlie/Anna
Rating: PG
Genre: Crack, Adventure, AU
“This is it?” Sam said doubtfully, looking out at the assemblage of Gabriel’s forces.
“I’m a lover, not a fighter,” Gabriel shrugged. “Besides, ever heard of quality over quantity?”
“We’ll see about your quality,” Dean grunted, and yelled, “Alright, duel formations. Let’s see some hand to hand!”
He jumped down off the dais and started to walk amongst the ranks, yelling corrections and encouragement and insults he went. Word had come from the North the previous evening - Crowley was, as they all expected, quite thoroughly decimating the kingdom, and the people were close to revolt. The scouts believed that many of the common folk would side with Cas at once if he returned - but Crowley had many nobles and knights in his power, through a combination of bribery and fear. Some might desert at the chance, but certainly not all of them.
“Why aren’t you training, Chuck?” Sam asked.
“Me?” Chuck snorted. “I’d trip over my own feet, die, and get someone else killed in the process. I’m no soldier.”
“Neither is Castiel, and look at him.”
Cas was down in the ranks with the soldiers, sword in hand - not the ceremonial blade Chuck had seen him with at court, but a regular iron blade that looked like it had seen battle. He was dressed in armour emblazoned with the standard of the Eagle. Dean stopped by him and repositioned his stance.
“Well, he’s their King,” Chuck rolled his eyes. “Leading the people and all. Plus, they’re all gonna protect him in battle, aren’t they?”
“I suppose my brother would throw himself in front of a sword before he let Cas take a scratch,” Sam looked amused.
“Well,” Chuck frowned.
“All I’m saying is it will be safer for you if you know how to handle a sword and shield. At least the basics.”
“Alright,” Chuck sighed resignedly and held out his arms, as though Sam would immediately provide said accoutrements. “I mean it would be safer still if I could hide out in a tavern or something, but I suppose I won’t have the chance for that.”
Sam spoke with Gabriel’s armourer, and all too soon, Chuck found himself fitted with a hauberk, a helmet and a mailshirt. They tried a breastplate, but it was heavy enough that he pretty much couldn’t move. He got a plain sword in his right hand and a supple shield in his left. On his way back to the field, Chuck caught a brief glimpse of himself in the looking glass.
He did a double-take.
He looked - well - not a knight. Not even the squire of a noble house. But something. Someone. Not himself.
Someone capable of not only surviving, but accomplishing something.
“I’ll work with you,” Sam offered. “Dean seems to have the troops well in hand.”
“Go easy on me,” said Chuck.
“I will.”
It turned out they had different ideas of ‘easy’. By the end of the day, Chuck felt like he’d been beaten all over with a meat tenderizer. He could barely stand. Still, all his limbs were still attached, and he felt just a little more confident that if he were lucky, very very lucky, he might be able to deflect an enemy’s sword.
“You’re not bad,” said Sam.
“Right,” Chuck snorted.
“I’m serious,” Sam insisted. “I mean - you’re not good - but considering you haven’t had the training - you’re - not as bad as you think you are. I’ve seen worse. A lot worse.”
“Is that your pep talk?”
“Well, it’s honesty.”
“I’ll take it.”
Moreover, that day, a few more of Gabriel’s bannermen turned up and offered their levies, each a few hundred men. Charlie believed that the battle was all but won:
“Let’s go!” she urged the knights. “What are we waiting for?!”
“My lady, we must have a strategy to take the city,” Anna said, and for some reason, Charlie turned bright red.
“Are you alright?” Chuck asked her.
“Of course,” she glared at him. “I’m fine. Why would you even ask that?”
“You’re all red. Literally bright red.”
“You’re all…stupid,” she trailed off lamely. Chuck looked at her in confusion.
Gabriel called a meeting of his newly-appointed 'war council', which basically meant Dean, Sam and Cas, Gabriel's master-at-arms, a couple of senior knights in his service, his terrier dog, the scouts who'd been North, one of the parrots and Anna, who kept everyone in order except the parrot. Charlie and Chuck came along because nobody told them not to.
"The southern gate is the least fortified," one of the scouts said, pointing at a map laid out on the table.
“But it’s heavily guarded,” Sam said, “And sees most traffic.”
“Guards can be killed,” Dean shrugged.
“And kill good men in return,” the master-at-arms and Dean glared at each other - Chuck thought the grizzled old swordsman didn’t appreciate the imposition of the Winchesters on his turf.
“The north wall of the city can be scaled with grappling hooks,” said Sam.
“HOOKS!” the parrot agreed.
“It’s been done before, when the Good King’s grandfather was on the throne,” Sam went on. The host made it right to the throne room before their leader, a rogue hedge knight named Garwick the Gold, was killed and their strength wavered.”
“Thanks for the history lesson,” said Dean. “But the question is how would we get to the northern wall without being seen? We’d have to skirt the city from the east, and all the land is plain and open that way.”
“It’s true,” one of the scouts chimed in. “Even a small group of riders would be seen against the snow.”
“We must go by stealth,” declared one of the knights: Chuck recognised him as the man who’d presented them to Gabriel, the captain of the guards at the swamp.
“Oh!” Charlie’s eyes grew round. “Oh! I know what to do!”
They all looked at her doubtfully.
“Charlie,” Cas said gently, “Your service has been brave and wise and will be nobly rewarded. But you are no warrior. Leave this to-“
“But I read a book like this once!” she said, then looked mortified at having interrupted her sovereign.
“Well - continue,” Cas said, though the master-at-arms rolled his eyes.
“Well - um - Cas, we have to sneak you into the city. Like in disguise. Then you find all the people faithful to you - and like, rally them in secret. Meanwhile, the army sneaks up to the city, like at night, and you get one of your people to open the gates. We can take the city back from inside!”
Everyone at the table looked at each other.
“If someone were to open the Eastern gates, we could approach under over of the Glistening Woods,” Sam said slowly, “And take the straight road to the Castle.”
“I -,” Cas looked slightly alarmed. “I am not certain that I have the experience - I have never-”
The parrot chortled obnoxiously from the back of Cas’s chair, and turned itself upside-down, spreading its tail feathers.
“Oh, I’ll help you rally people,” Charlie dismissed. “No-one in the city knows my face. Chuck can go with the army - I mean, he’s been training and everything.”
Chuck tried to kick her under the table, but instead his foot just brushed Gabriel’s leg, who grinned at him and said,
“Good sir, I am flattered by your attentions, but alas I do not, as the phrase is, swing that way.”
“Are there maps of the Woods?” Sam asked intently. One of the knights went to fetch them library, and they started
to plot the route that would return the true prince to the North.
tbc
or,
The Adventures of Charlie and Chuck in the Mysterious Kingdom
Author: reading_is_in
Chars: Charlie, Chuck, Crowley, ensemble.
Pairings: (later) Cas/Dean, Charlie/Anna
Rating: PG
Genre: Crack, Adventure, AU
“This is it?” Sam said doubtfully, looking out at the assemblage of Gabriel’s forces.
“I’m a lover, not a fighter,” Gabriel shrugged. “Besides, ever heard of quality over quantity?”
“We’ll see about your quality,” Dean grunted, and yelled, “Alright, duel formations. Let’s see some hand to hand!”
He jumped down off the dais and started to walk amongst the ranks, yelling corrections and encouragement and insults he went. Word had come from the North the previous evening - Crowley was, as they all expected, quite thoroughly decimating the kingdom, and the people were close to revolt. The scouts believed that many of the common folk would side with Cas at once if he returned - but Crowley had many nobles and knights in his power, through a combination of bribery and fear. Some might desert at the chance, but certainly not all of them.
“Why aren’t you training, Chuck?” Sam asked.
“Me?” Chuck snorted. “I’d trip over my own feet, die, and get someone else killed in the process. I’m no soldier.”
“Neither is Castiel, and look at him.”
Cas was down in the ranks with the soldiers, sword in hand - not the ceremonial blade Chuck had seen him with at court, but a regular iron blade that looked like it had seen battle. He was dressed in armour emblazoned with the standard of the Eagle. Dean stopped by him and repositioned his stance.
“Well, he’s their King,” Chuck rolled his eyes. “Leading the people and all. Plus, they’re all gonna protect him in battle, aren’t they?”
“I suppose my brother would throw himself in front of a sword before he let Cas take a scratch,” Sam looked amused.
“Well,” Chuck frowned.
“All I’m saying is it will be safer for you if you know how to handle a sword and shield. At least the basics.”
“Alright,” Chuck sighed resignedly and held out his arms, as though Sam would immediately provide said accoutrements. “I mean it would be safer still if I could hide out in a tavern or something, but I suppose I won’t have the chance for that.”
Sam spoke with Gabriel’s armourer, and all too soon, Chuck found himself fitted with a hauberk, a helmet and a mailshirt. They tried a breastplate, but it was heavy enough that he pretty much couldn’t move. He got a plain sword in his right hand and a supple shield in his left. On his way back to the field, Chuck caught a brief glimpse of himself in the looking glass.
He did a double-take.
He looked - well - not a knight. Not even the squire of a noble house. But something. Someone. Not himself.
Someone capable of not only surviving, but accomplishing something.
“I’ll work with you,” Sam offered. “Dean seems to have the troops well in hand.”
“Go easy on me,” said Chuck.
“I will.”
It turned out they had different ideas of ‘easy’. By the end of the day, Chuck felt like he’d been beaten all over with a meat tenderizer. He could barely stand. Still, all his limbs were still attached, and he felt just a little more confident that if he were lucky, very very lucky, he might be able to deflect an enemy’s sword.
“You’re not bad,” said Sam.
“Right,” Chuck snorted.
“I’m serious,” Sam insisted. “I mean - you’re not good - but considering you haven’t had the training - you’re - not as bad as you think you are. I’ve seen worse. A lot worse.”
“Is that your pep talk?”
“Well, it’s honesty.”
“I’ll take it.”
Moreover, that day, a few more of Gabriel’s bannermen turned up and offered their levies, each a few hundred men. Charlie believed that the battle was all but won:
“Let’s go!” she urged the knights. “What are we waiting for?!”
“My lady, we must have a strategy to take the city,” Anna said, and for some reason, Charlie turned bright red.
“Are you alright?” Chuck asked her.
“Of course,” she glared at him. “I’m fine. Why would you even ask that?”
“You’re all red. Literally bright red.”
“You’re all…stupid,” she trailed off lamely. Chuck looked at her in confusion.
Gabriel called a meeting of his newly-appointed 'war council', which basically meant Dean, Sam and Cas, Gabriel's master-at-arms, a couple of senior knights in his service, his terrier dog, the scouts who'd been North, one of the parrots and Anna, who kept everyone in order except the parrot. Charlie and Chuck came along because nobody told them not to.
"The southern gate is the least fortified," one of the scouts said, pointing at a map laid out on the table.
“But it’s heavily guarded,” Sam said, “And sees most traffic.”
“Guards can be killed,” Dean shrugged.
“And kill good men in return,” the master-at-arms and Dean glared at each other - Chuck thought the grizzled old swordsman didn’t appreciate the imposition of the Winchesters on his turf.
“The north wall of the city can be scaled with grappling hooks,” said Sam.
“HOOKS!” the parrot agreed.
“It’s been done before, when the Good King’s grandfather was on the throne,” Sam went on. The host made it right to the throne room before their leader, a rogue hedge knight named Garwick the Gold, was killed and their strength wavered.”
“Thanks for the history lesson,” said Dean. “But the question is how would we get to the northern wall without being seen? We’d have to skirt the city from the east, and all the land is plain and open that way.”
“It’s true,” one of the scouts chimed in. “Even a small group of riders would be seen against the snow.”
“We must go by stealth,” declared one of the knights: Chuck recognised him as the man who’d presented them to Gabriel, the captain of the guards at the swamp.
“Oh!” Charlie’s eyes grew round. “Oh! I know what to do!”
They all looked at her doubtfully.
“Charlie,” Cas said gently, “Your service has been brave and wise and will be nobly rewarded. But you are no warrior. Leave this to-“
“But I read a book like this once!” she said, then looked mortified at having interrupted her sovereign.
“Well - continue,” Cas said, though the master-at-arms rolled his eyes.
“Well - um - Cas, we have to sneak you into the city. Like in disguise. Then you find all the people faithful to you - and like, rally them in secret. Meanwhile, the army sneaks up to the city, like at night, and you get one of your people to open the gates. We can take the city back from inside!”
Everyone at the table looked at each other.
“If someone were to open the Eastern gates, we could approach under over of the Glistening Woods,” Sam said slowly, “And take the straight road to the Castle.”
“I -,” Cas looked slightly alarmed. “I am not certain that I have the experience - I have never-”
The parrot chortled obnoxiously from the back of Cas’s chair, and turned itself upside-down, spreading its tail feathers.
“Oh, I’ll help you rally people,” Charlie dismissed. “No-one in the city knows my face. Chuck can go with the army - I mean, he’s been training and everything.”
Chuck tried to kick her under the table, but instead his foot just brushed Gabriel’s leg, who grinned at him and said,
“Good sir, I am flattered by your attentions, but alas I do not, as the phrase is, swing that way.”
“Are there maps of the Woods?” Sam asked intently. One of the knights went to fetch them library, and they started
to plot the route that would return the true prince to the North.
tbc