(no subject)
So an embarrassing thing happened at the gym today: jogging on the treadmill, about 70% done with my workout, I look up and noticed a young man standing by the windows of the upstairs studio, looking down unto the gym, and, for an instance, I think it's Terry, an ex. An ex who I was terribly smitten over and who broken my heart into a million-zillion pieces. I did a quick double look, lose my focus and almost fall off the freakin' machine. Luckily, I wasn't hurt and luckily it wasn't Terry. But, I was more surprised and shocked at my reaction to the possibility of running into him.
I've thought of him often. Although, I still think he is a "bitter and mean waste of a man" (my parting words to him), there is a part of me that still loves him. Shit, I hate saying the L word, especially towards someone who doesn't deserve my love. In a way, a part of me still cares for all my ex's. Good or bad, they have shaped me to be who I am. And, realistically, that something that made me think of them as the coolest cat around is still there. But, I also know that in a tiny corner in my subconscious there is tiny but loud monster deceives me to believe that I'm undeserving of love. Therefore, when someone does care or "love" me... I - in away - admire their courage to do so...but this is, of course, only after I test their love.
Anyway, with Terry, it was different. We were both nutcases and hurt one too many times. I was unable to say "I love you" and he was only able to say it in German thinking that I wouldn't understand (little did he know the extent of my Beatles craziness). The tender gestures that signal affection were there: chatting it up with the vegetarian housemate who he thought was a crazy hippie, covering me up with a blanket when I fell asleep on the sofa, or the tender touch of his hand as he moved a strand of hair from my face But, he f-ed it up! He cheated and it still pisses me off.
Yet, I would lie if I didn't say that my heart didn't do a tiny dance when I noticed he called today or when I saw a message from him on my inbox. He fucked up. I miss the tenderness of a new relationship, of something not broken, but I know that the Terry who calls and emails is not the puppy-eyed guy I fell for.... He's the shithole who broke my heart. A mean and bitter waste of a man.
I've thought of him often. Although, I still think he is a "bitter and mean waste of a man" (my parting words to him), there is a part of me that still loves him. Shit, I hate saying the L word, especially towards someone who doesn't deserve my love. In a way, a part of me still cares for all my ex's. Good or bad, they have shaped me to be who I am. And, realistically, that something that made me think of them as the coolest cat around is still there. But, I also know that in a tiny corner in my subconscious there is tiny but loud monster deceives me to believe that I'm undeserving of love. Therefore, when someone does care or "love" me... I - in away - admire their courage to do so...but this is, of course, only after I test their love.
Anyway, with Terry, it was different. We were both nutcases and hurt one too many times. I was unable to say "I love you" and he was only able to say it in German thinking that I wouldn't understand (little did he know the extent of my Beatles craziness). The tender gestures that signal affection were there: chatting it up with the vegetarian housemate who he thought was a crazy hippie, covering me up with a blanket when I fell asleep on the sofa, or the tender touch of his hand as he moved a strand of hair from my face But, he f-ed it up! He cheated and it still pisses me off.
Yet, I would lie if I didn't say that my heart didn't do a tiny dance when I noticed he called today or when I saw a message from him on my inbox. He fucked up. I miss the tenderness of a new relationship, of something not broken, but I know that the Terry who calls and emails is not the puppy-eyed guy I fell for.... He's the shithole who broke my heart. A mean and bitter waste of a man.