What I sent to Seventeen
Being thirteen is hard enough without moving away from everyone you know. I had always moved but this time it was different. I spent two years growing up and making friends in a little town in Indiana. So when I had to move, everyone was upset. Maybe if I was moving to just a town away or even just one state away it wouldn’t have been so hard, but instead my parents moved me to Florida. I started my eighth grade year there. My parents put me into a charter school that had only 13 kids in my grade. The worst part of that was that only 3 of them aside from myself were girls. I kept close contact with all of my friends from Indiana. I even kept up with the gossip; I just couldn’t let them go. I some how managed to even steal someone else’s boyfriend away from them and date long distance with him for a month. I was still normal I just couldn’t let go.
Or at least that’s what it looked like to my parents. In reality, that’s all right, I was keeping tabs on my friends and the gossip up north, and I was dating someone long distance from there, but away from that I was doing so much more. I skipped lots of school getting permission from my mother most of the time, all day I would read fan fiction. Which is stories fans write about novels. Which in this case was about Harry Potter. Somehow by moving, I had become obsessed with this whole other world that was created by the fans of this one book. Eventually I stopped talking to my friends up north and I had not made any at my new school. I spent all of my time reading and writing, until one day they opened a chat room. I then spread my obsession from reading and writing about my favorite story, to role-playing it and talking to all the other obbsessers.
I felt close to certain people that I met in the chats. I talked to them daily. Before school after school and sometimes all night. One of my closest friends invited her baby sitter online. His name was Jesse and I hated him, he liked me though. Eventually I learned to like him… a lot. Everyday he would baby sit for the girl and then come online to talk to me. He was fun to flirt with. He eventually started calling me his online girlfriend, and I learned more and more about his life. When he first came online he had acted as if he were a dork. Asking how to talk to girls and what they really think about stupid pick up lines. But then I realized he was a lot more knowledgeable about girls then he led on. Or at least that’s what he made me think. All of the people I met online liked him, and soon when my status changed from online girlfriend to just girlfriend things got serious.
I spent a full year dating this boy I had never met. I wanted to make things as real as possible. My family and life were already crazy enough to get his attention. I found I never even had to lie like you hear most people do. I uploaded pictures, used microphones and talked to him, and I bought a webcam and let him see me. I even gave him my number and address. I knew how risky it was but I thought that I loved him and I thought I could trust him. He never called or wrote, which I thought was strange. I knew he couldn’t be cheating or not serious about this because he was online all the time like I was. Sometimes I wondered but there was never any full evidence that anything was wrong with him. When I had given up all hope that he would ever call me he did. The ten minutes we talked was enough to keep me satisfied. I was hooked; I lost all interest in anything but this online world that we had created. I swore up and down I loved him, at one point we even got engaged. We made plans many times to meet but nothing ever worked out.
All this time many girls tried to take him from me offline and online. I became mean making sure no one could take him from me. If I was away for the computer for ten minutes I felt sick to my stomach thinking he was going to be stolen. Eventually... he was. He “fell in love” with another girl but insisted he still loved me. I couldn’t take it though and I took 13 Tylenol and cut myself. I got scared though and was rushed to the hospital. Everyone thought I was crazy. Even I did. No one knew that Jesse was a boy I never met except two people. The two best friends I had from Indiana. One of them went online and told him what had happened to me. I waited for the phone to ring and for him to call and tell me he loved me and he was sorry but it barely rang and when it did it wasn’t him.
After the hospital I still loved him, or so I thought. Until I moved once again. I was starting high school and I thought, that maybe I could become normal again. Get away from the computer and fakeness. But I still tried to be with Jesse. We broke up and got together many times. Until he got a girl pregnant when we were broken up. That’s when I realized that, this wasn’t real. That world that I had been living in for over a year was fake. I could never be with him, and yet I tried to kill myself to be what he wanted me to.
Now, I try to stay away from the internet and the separate world that I once lived in. I slowly got my life back, but I will always remember those lonely nights in the hospital. Because of them, I know I can’t be in that world. I wanted it to be real so badly that I tried to take my own life because it couldn’t have ever been. I’m glad I’m away from it now. Life is way better in the real world.
Or at least that’s what it looked like to my parents. In reality, that’s all right, I was keeping tabs on my friends and the gossip up north, and I was dating someone long distance from there, but away from that I was doing so much more. I skipped lots of school getting permission from my mother most of the time, all day I would read fan fiction. Which is stories fans write about novels. Which in this case was about Harry Potter. Somehow by moving, I had become obsessed with this whole other world that was created by the fans of this one book. Eventually I stopped talking to my friends up north and I had not made any at my new school. I spent all of my time reading and writing, until one day they opened a chat room. I then spread my obsession from reading and writing about my favorite story, to role-playing it and talking to all the other obbsessers.
I felt close to certain people that I met in the chats. I talked to them daily. Before school after school and sometimes all night. One of my closest friends invited her baby sitter online. His name was Jesse and I hated him, he liked me though. Eventually I learned to like him… a lot. Everyday he would baby sit for the girl and then come online to talk to me. He was fun to flirt with. He eventually started calling me his online girlfriend, and I learned more and more about his life. When he first came online he had acted as if he were a dork. Asking how to talk to girls and what they really think about stupid pick up lines. But then I realized he was a lot more knowledgeable about girls then he led on. Or at least that’s what he made me think. All of the people I met online liked him, and soon when my status changed from online girlfriend to just girlfriend things got serious.
I spent a full year dating this boy I had never met. I wanted to make things as real as possible. My family and life were already crazy enough to get his attention. I found I never even had to lie like you hear most people do. I uploaded pictures, used microphones and talked to him, and I bought a webcam and let him see me. I even gave him my number and address. I knew how risky it was but I thought that I loved him and I thought I could trust him. He never called or wrote, which I thought was strange. I knew he couldn’t be cheating or not serious about this because he was online all the time like I was. Sometimes I wondered but there was never any full evidence that anything was wrong with him. When I had given up all hope that he would ever call me he did. The ten minutes we talked was enough to keep me satisfied. I was hooked; I lost all interest in anything but this online world that we had created. I swore up and down I loved him, at one point we even got engaged. We made plans many times to meet but nothing ever worked out.
All this time many girls tried to take him from me offline and online. I became mean making sure no one could take him from me. If I was away for the computer for ten minutes I felt sick to my stomach thinking he was going to be stolen. Eventually... he was. He “fell in love” with another girl but insisted he still loved me. I couldn’t take it though and I took 13 Tylenol and cut myself. I got scared though and was rushed to the hospital. Everyone thought I was crazy. Even I did. No one knew that Jesse was a boy I never met except two people. The two best friends I had from Indiana. One of them went online and told him what had happened to me. I waited for the phone to ring and for him to call and tell me he loved me and he was sorry but it barely rang and when it did it wasn’t him.
After the hospital I still loved him, or so I thought. Until I moved once again. I was starting high school and I thought, that maybe I could become normal again. Get away from the computer and fakeness. But I still tried to be with Jesse. We broke up and got together many times. Until he got a girl pregnant when we were broken up. That’s when I realized that, this wasn’t real. That world that I had been living in for over a year was fake. I could never be with him, and yet I tried to kill myself to be what he wanted me to.
Now, I try to stay away from the internet and the separate world that I once lived in. I slowly got my life back, but I will always remember those lonely nights in the hospital. Because of them, I know I can’t be in that world. I wanted it to be real so badly that I tried to take my own life because it couldn’t have ever been. I’m glad I’m away from it now. Life is way better in the real world.