How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Zombie!Jesus
Ladies and gentlemen (and individuals of a non-binary gender persuasion) an announcement:
I am judging you. Constantly. From the shadows. Like a ninja.
The more awesome I think you are, the more suspicious of you I am. Do you enjoy 2D animation featuring the heroics of brightly attired "super men" and/or women? When perky baristas at your local Starbucks ask if you're Team Edward or Jacob do you respond, 'Go Team Venture!'? Did you watch all four of The Fast and Furious movies hoping to see Paul Walker and Vin Diesel make out on the hood of a shiny car? Are you intimately acquainted with the musical stylings of Dr. Wicked? Does your porn occasionally feature sex pollen, tentacles, and/or mysteriously appearing personal lubricant? Does your porn require spoiler alert etiquette?
Does your porn have a wiki page?
If you said yes to one or all of these things I probably really like you. And in any given conversation with you I'm probably trying to subtly determine whether or not you are the purveyor of severed heads. I live in constant fear of my life being defined by a street interview in which I tell a reporter, "[Your Name Here] was such a nice person, s/he liked the Daily Show and had a deep meaningful relationship with Karl Urban's eyebrows. Really the last person you'd expect to eat small children."
Suspicions of recreational homicide aside, what it all really comes down to is this - I fear rejection and have a deep seated need to be accepted, which I cover by trying to figure out what your glaring moral flaw is before you find mine.
I told you all that so I could tell you this: sometimes, after I have sex with people, they try to talk to me. This can be a bumbling, miserable affair if I don't immediately put the kibosh on it. I do not have the patience for polite, appraising, getting-to-know-you-chitchat which is probably all just a lie anyway. I am a woman on the go. I have shit to do. Ergo, I have a single question that neatly defines your moral standing and values as a human being.
I am judging you. Constantly. From the shadows. Like a ninja.
The more awesome I think you are, the more suspicious of you I am. Do you enjoy 2D animation featuring the heroics of brightly attired "super men" and/or women? When perky baristas at your local Starbucks ask if you're Team Edward or Jacob do you respond, 'Go Team Venture!'? Did you watch all four of The Fast and Furious movies hoping to see Paul Walker and Vin Diesel make out on the hood of a shiny car? Are you intimately acquainted with the musical stylings of Dr. Wicked? Does your porn occasionally feature sex pollen, tentacles, and/or mysteriously appearing personal lubricant? Does your porn require spoiler alert etiquette?
Does your porn have a wiki page?
If you said yes to one or all of these things I probably really like you. And in any given conversation with you I'm probably trying to subtly determine whether or not you are the purveyor of severed heads. I live in constant fear of my life being defined by a street interview in which I tell a reporter, "[Your Name Here] was such a nice person, s/he liked the Daily Show and had a deep meaningful relationship with Karl Urban's eyebrows. Really the last person you'd expect to eat small children."
Suspicions of recreational homicide aside, what it all really comes down to is this - I fear rejection and have a deep seated need to be accepted, which I cover by trying to figure out what your glaring moral flaw is before you find mine.
I told you all that so I could tell you this: sometimes, after I have sex with people, they try to talk to me. This can be a bumbling, miserable affair if I don't immediately put the kibosh on it. I do not have the patience for polite, appraising, getting-to-know-you-chitchat which is probably all just a lie anyway. I am a woman on the go. I have shit to do. Ergo, I have a single question that neatly defines your moral standing and values as a human being.